Happy Birthday Jimmy

So, today would have been Jimmy's 16th birthday. All he could talk about for his birthday was going to a local hamburger joint and feasting on their 1 lb hamburgers! So, our family all headed out to eat hamburgers to remember Jimmy (as if we can forget!! I always think that's a funny phrase...we are gathered here to remember...It's almost all I think about! Maybe "honoring Jimmy" would be the correct phrase. kay, enough rambling.)

I hesitated even writing a new blog because I loved it that when I opened my blog the first thing I saw was his picture. So, if you haven't yet read it, scroll a bit down and read my "what's in a life" blog-a tribute to my brother James.

Tomorrow my dad and I set off for a cruise that we had planned throughout this last year. It seems so out of context for me to be setting off, and I feel almost reluctant to get on that plane. I've been told by countless people that it will be good for me and I should go so I'm just trusting them (and it's non-transferrable, non-refundable so if I don't go, no one goes.) I'm still a bit numb and overwhelmed that all the last few weeks has held. It seems so snobby to feel unappreciative of a fabulous cruise in the mediterranean, but I think it's not so much snobbiness as perspective. People spend everything trying to get to places like I've seen often running over their family or cutting out time with people to work more. I guess I've just been dealt a mighty load of perspective, and I know that all the trips in the world and all the stamps in your passport mean nothing compared to the people that God puts in your life be it blood relatives or good friends or even people you can't really stand. All of them were created by Him and are filled with the beauty of God. How many times do we blow by and mistreat the most precious treasures in our lives?

I visited my dear friend Kendall and his wife Andi in the hospital this weekend. Kendall has been battling cancer and just recently went through surgery and is now on a ventilator and walking through some intense "perspective-giving" times as well. (you can check out his story and status at: www.caringbridge.org/visit/kendallkoens). I left just with a great realization of how fragile life is and how flippantly I sometimes treat it. And it's often when it's taken away or drastically changed that we realize those things. Too bad it has to be that way.

Sorry this post is a bit melancholy but I'm pretty sure if you're reading this you can understand why. Every day I wake up and I ask God, is this the day when the pain will get less? I am tired of being so sad but know that it's part of the grieving and healing process. Someone asked if I was mad at God, and honestly I'm not. I'm confused. I, of course, have asked the "why" questions knowing that I probably wouldn't get any answers. I'm frustrated at the seeming injustice of it all, but I know without a doubt that God is standing with his arm around Jimmy waiting to welcome the rest of us home when it's our time. And I know that until that time, I walk daily in the care and the presence of a God who loves, who feels what I feel, and carries me when I don't have the strength for even another step. You can't be mad at a God like that.

What's in a life?

What can I tell you about my amazing brother James? He had the most gentle heart I think I've ever seen in a boy his age. He was the perfect mix of "becoming a young man" and still retained his child-like innocence. He loved to play with toy cars in the yard, even at 15! And yet he had a girlfriend and had thoughts and opinions on politics and world events. He could entertain himself for hours and yet could get along with pretty much anyone. At times he drove me crazy, at times he probably rolled his eyes at his crazy older sister. I miss him like crazy. I just wanted you all to know what kind of a person my brother was, and still is in my heart where I will hold his memory forever.

He had a blossoming and growing relationship with Jesus. My favorite treasure from him was a letter that he wrote and gave me before I headed overseas a year and a half ago. I had gotten good-bye cards and well-wishes from so many people but I opened his before I headed off on the airplane. He had included a Bible verse, simple and yet full of truth, just for me to take with me. I sobbed when I read it.

There is a definite "space" in my family without James. It's a space we will run into every day and hopefully the pain will fade as we enounter that space. Until then I will fill that space with lovely memories of him and the peace of knowing that he is in his true home, that his heart is truly at rest and he will be waiting to welcome the rest of us when our numbered days come to an end.

James' obituary

Funeral

The funeral for my brother will be held on November 9, Thursday at 1:00pm at Biwabik Covenant Church. If you are wanting to attend and need directions, please email or call me.

On my way home....

It's shocking how one moment in your life can change it forever. It's amazing how one event, one person can affect people around the entire world.

Just a few days ago while I was in Tajikistan I received information that my second youngest brother, James (or Jimmy to some) was in an accident and is no longer with us. My heart is broken and I miss my brother so very, very much. He had one of the most gentle hearts I had ever seen in a boy his age and I had so many dreams of what an amazing man he would grow to be.

However, he is with Jesus now and our family is mourning his loss.

Currently I'm in the Amsterdam airport and just about to set off on the last leg of my journey home. I'm about to experience "home" as I've never experienced it before, minus a dear brother that I love with all my heart. It's times like these that you realize what is really important in life and all else fades away. I'm looking forward to being with my family. These last few days have been so difficult grieving on the other side of the globe from them. My team is like a second family to me and they have been amazing in bringing comfort and praying with me. However, I cannot wait to embrace my family here in America and weep with them and remember James together with them.

Please pray for me as I not only go through this time of grieving with my family but as I am re-entering my culture so abruptly and having to go through some massive loads of reverse-culture shock at the same time. I walked past a shop today that was all decorated for Christmas and I just stopped and stared (and almost fell over when I glanced down at the box of chocolates in front of me that were priced at $80!). I haven't seen Christmas decorations for a few years! Back to the 1st world, to individualism and equality among men and women. Back to luxury and entertainment and way, way too many choices.

Greetings from Tajikistan!!

Well, after a series of many, many miracles I made it to Tajikistan with another teammate of mine. It's a long story but we didn't have tickets the day we were supposed to leave. So, we decided just to go to the airport and to see what would happen. The day before we called the airline and they said the flight was already overbooked. But, we got a seat on the plane and here we are!!

It's been so nice to have a bit of freedom...as you can see I'm not wearing my headscarf nor am I wearing clothes that cover my bottom, other than my jeans! :) It's great. They speak mainly Russian here in the city so I'm a bit out of it communication-wise but most people also speak Tajik as well. Dari is closely related to Tajik so I can communicate and get around, although this usually comes after I explain that I cannot understand Russian and can you please repeat what you just said in Tajik?!

We've been meeting with people all week and speaking with local groups and recruiting students for an upcoming school we are having. The doors are really open and much has been happening.

While we are not doing that, I've also gotten opportunities to do a bit of shopping, get a haircut, go to a restaurant and even do a little bit of dancing! These things are absolute luxuries for me. Amazing what little bit of freedom can be found just on the other side of a border! :)