Starbucks revelation

I sat at starbucks today in California tapping my pen on the table next to a card that took me way too long to choose out of the cliched-filled rack of sympathy cards. Noah Steven Graves, 7 months, was taken off of life support last week and I was attempting to put into words something that was beyond human description. In a moment of honesty, I etched out some mediocre musings and put the card in the envelope. But, as my words felt inadequate, my spirit felt inspired. I just sat, sipping my dark roast coffee (which in my coffee-snobbiness I felt couldn't compare to my favorite cup of caribou coffee...how ironic to be dwelling on the trivial in that moment). My mind was bouncing between memories of James and images of little Noah in his hospital bed. And honestly friends, I felt as if I was pressed up against the cross. I could see it towering above me. I reached out and touched the wood only to withdraw in pain as splinters pierced their way into my palm. And it was empty. I felt what is becoming an all-too-familiar ache in my heart when I think of James...and only those who have experienced a deep loss can understand how your heart physcially hurts when you miss someone like that. I coddled the ache, mulling it over in my spirit and the whisper of Jesus came to me, "this is what I died for. This is what I am returning for." That ache in my heart is only a small amount of what Jesus took upon himself on the cross. Death was never the plan in the beginning, and only because of our selfishness and greed has it become a part of our life through the Curse. But, it's our choice to embrace death as a normal part of life, or to embrace eternity beyond this shadow of what is to come that we live in.

Where, o death, is your sting?! I can now scream it to the heavenlies.

As me and Jesus were having our intimate, caffeine-tickled moment, I couldn't help observe what was happening around me. There were two Iranian students behind me chatting away in Farsi. I understood bits and pieces of their conversation about frustrations over finances and other daily problems. Another couple of young, athletic, all-American guys were brainstorming youth group activities and were figuring out which part of the Bible teaching to cut out so they'd have enough time for a scavanger hunt. Two women across from me were scoping out adult education classes in a catalogue and another touchy-feely couple was chatting away in Spanish. It just seemed so ordinary. In some ways, insignificant. And yet, I thought, here we all sit in the shadow of the cross with its splinters in our hands.

"I am beginning to suspect...that the common transactions of life are the most sacred channels for the spread of the heavenly leaven." George MacDonald, The Curate of Glaston.

Amen, MacDonald. Amen.

The Gift of Sight

My mom received a letter yesterday from the organization that helped coordinate Jimmy's organ donation. They were writing to inform us that someone had received the gift of sight through the donation of James' organs. My mom and I cried together on the phone when she told me about it.

I remember someone going off on me about organ donation a couple years ago and how the system is corrupt and some people's organs end up being waste in some university somewhere. They swore they would never let their body parts be so flippantly dealt with. I don't believe that person has ever lost a loved one or known someone that had a second chance because someone else donated their organs. And by the way, I'm an organ donor so you can all fight over my body parts once I'm gone. I definitely won't be needing them!

Of course, even if we could help every single person in the world, it wouldn't take away the pain in my heart from losing James, but today, a little bit of it was eased. I know that someone out there, is walking around with James' gentle eyes. There truly is beauty that rises out of the ashes.

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I'm scheduled to take my GRE at noon on Friday, January 12. I'll be so happy to finally have that over with.

And then I fly out to CA on Sunday!!!
(My return date to Asia is leaving the States February 12 and arriving Feb. 14)

Here are some photos, as promised earlier:

My grandparents' house all decorated for Christmas!


This is a view of the yard after a snowstorm on New Year's Eve.


William (my youngest brother) and I went sliding on "killer hill" near where my grandparents live.


One of many silly pictures William and I took in the park after sliding.


This is for all you Who's down in Who-ville! :)

just random stuff: a pseudo Christmas update letter

Happy New Year everyone!!!

I wanted to let you all know (for those of you who actually do look at my blog!) my plans for the weeks and months ahead. I'll be in Minnesota through January 14 and speaking at Biwabik Covenant Church on January 7. Then I'll be flying out to CA to stay with some friends and mentors of mine. Super "stoked" about that! From CA, I'll leave for good ol' home-away-from-home in C. Asia. I'll be there until this summer when I'll be coming back to the States and starting grad school in the fall. Some people have asked what I'll be doing at grad school and if it relates to what I'm doing now. I'm planning on attending Wheaton College and going through their Intercultural Studies program and I'll focus on leadership development in cross-cultural contexts. And for those of you who know what I'm up to lately, it definitely relates to my job. I'm planning, as of this moment but God has the right to change my plans at any time, to return overseas after the one and a half year program.

Everyone's also been asking how Christmas was with me and my family. I'm happy to say that it was quite nice. We really enjoyed being together (it's been 5 or 6 years since we were all together for the holidays). We had our sad moments and shed a few tears but all-in-all the focus was really on enjoying our time together. It was really great to be with my family even though the events that brought me home were nothing I would have wished to bring me home. For those who know my family, here's a brief update on what everyone is doing: my mom just finished her exams and is officially a Ph.D. candidate. Go Mom!! We're all super proud of her. she's put a lot of work into going back to school and she took her exams just a few weeks after the funeral. She's amazing. Her husband, Mike, is currently not working due to an injury to his shoulder but he still putzes in the garage and pretty much dishes out a hard time to all us kids...all in good fun. What would our family be without sarcasm? Mike definitely fits in! William is back at school and working on cars and practicing his guitar. He really, really wants to learn drums and begs Mom and Mike for a drum set all the time. Jeremy is living in Minnesota and working as a DJ and at a convenience store. He also is part of a Christian metal band called Servanthood but is really passionate about writing his own music as well. His guitar skills put me to shame.

I'll be sending out a newsletter (minus all the above details so it will actually be interesting!!) so if you are not sure if you're on my mailing list and would like to get one, please let me know. And I'll be posting some Christmas pics in the days ahead.

Happy 2007!!! I can't believe it's already here. Time flies. I've been spending this time with friends and family, meeting spouses that I haven't met yet, seeing children that I haven't seen yet. I'm beginning to realize I actually am in my late 20's (27th birthday in a month!!). Some friends and I were talking that we used to babysit for people who were our age at the time. weird.

But, may this year be one of passion for Jesus, friends and family, and full or surprises and joy. That's what I'm hoping for this year!