Teaching prep

I had a conversation with a 30-something friend of mine about how we were feeling that when we turned thirty that was when we were living more out of who we are and not just wandering around trying to figure ourselves out. But, I'm still shocked to find that I've existed on this planet for almost 31 years and I'm still figuring out who I am. I bet that will be a life-long journey.

I have three weeks here in Taiwan with a pretty open schedule. I have this continued tension of hating routine and every moment of my life planned but I'm also realizing that if I don't have at least a little bit of structure, I get lazy and waste time and procrastinate so easily. So, I had this "game plan" for coming back that I'd write a list of goals that i'd like to accomplish (to feed that need to achieve something every day that is within me) but I have managed to stay true to that list only periodically. Sigh. I envy people who are disciplined and structured within themselves.

So, I'm trying my hardest to sit myself down and get my teaching prepared, but also enjoying the time I get to hang out with friends and next week getting to experience my first ever Chinese New Year and celebrate my birthday!

I'm teaching the book of Psalms in our first quarter here. As I've been studying (when I actually do sit down and study), I've been struck by the thought of how relevant our emotions are to God. The psalms just explode with every kind of emotion which are all raw and exposed before the Lord. We get the privilege to glimpse into someone's intimate conversations with God...but every time there is sorrow or anger, it usually moves towards worship and praise. Even what we perceive as the "bad" emotions can be used to lead us to worship the Lord. And the Psalms were used in public worship....and in our culture today I feel like the pendulum of emotions in public worship swings two ways. I've seen the extreme emotionalism where people don't think the Holy Spirit is among them unless there is weeping or hysterical laughter. The emotion is more important than the object of worship. But there is also stoicism where emotions are seen as a sign of weakness and a lack of spiritual maturity. The Psalms give us a great balance of truth and the human expression of our emotions.

So, I'm pressing on. There is lots to think about. How do you pack the entire book of Psalms into 3 hours of teaching? But, I'm enjoying the journey and hopefully I can share some of my insights as I prepare with you who take the time to read my blog from time to time (thanks by the way! I'm honored you're here.)

"Home"

I made it back to Taiwan two nights ago. I had to return early from my vacation in Minnesota because I had some issues with my visa that couldn't be taken care of in the US. So, I made the flight back and headed into the Foreign affairs office yesterday in Taipei. And thankfully, that is finished and I can work into settling into my new apartment here in Dan Shui.

I always find the trips back and forth across the ocean a crazy mix of emotions. There are many books on the experience of missionaries returning to their home lands, and I watch so many students go through it after they finish a training school with YWAM.

It's a strange feeling to return to a place that you once labeled as home, and sometimes still do, but the feelings and experiences of "Home" are so entirely different. I am actually a visitor to home. Everyone else has their own schedules, their own space and their own stories they are living out. I am jumping into their schedules, space and story and there are moments where I wonder how mine fits in to that place. We talk about old memories we have, from when my life was more integrated with theirs. We update on how things are going giving the broad overview of life and not having time to go super deep unless we intentionally take it. I have to repeatedly answer questions about if I have a boyfriend or not, feeling slightly like a teenager and a little bit like a spinster. ha ha!

It's a strange transition. And it always leads me to ask the question, "where do I belong?" I am no longer American in the traditional sense. I look less and less like what is expected of a 30 (soon to be 31!) year old with a Masters Degree and work experience. Questions that are normal to answer--"what's your home address?" "What's your phone number" have multiple answers for me and long explanations. I don't belong in America. And I am living in Taiwan currently, but I am definitely a foreigner here. I have a piece of Afghanistan within me, but that's not home either.

I am a student and a teacher of the Bible, so my thoughts continually go back to God's story. And it feels a bit like a cliche to say that "this world is not our home." But, this experience into missions has made that cliche very much a truth and reality to my heart. This morning I was reading from Psalms (which I will be teaching the first quarter of the School of Biblical Studies here in Taiwan) and Psalm 84 has a familiar verse: "How lovely is your dwelling place, O Lord of hosts! My soul longs, yes, faints for the courts of the Lord..." I think my soul is fainting for the courts of the Lord these days. The temple for the people of the OT was the place where God's presence dwells among men. Today we have the Holy Spirit and yet we live in a now but not yet tension of knowing that the fullness of living in God's presence will be realized in our heavenly home.

So all this rambling to say, I'm thankful that I don't belong. It is in the longing to belong that I meet with my true place of belonging, at home with the Lord. The longing is an ever-present reminder that there is nothing in this world that can bring absolute fulfillment.

I'm "home" in my new apartment, but this place will fade. I'll move somewhere else, people and friends come and go in and out of my life. I am loved by those near and far but my true home awaits.