Worldview lays a foundation for all we say and do and think in life. It lingers underneath our feet, behind our brains, within our prayers, seeping out when we are not even aware of the leakages into all areas, saturating every inch of our being. It becomes glaringly obvious when we encounter a worldview so drastically different from our own. When I sit across from poverty-stricken mothers, holding wailing children with snot running down their faces, no shoes on their feet and hopelessness in their eyes, I am shocked to hear words escape their mouth that reveal that they believe the life they live is their fate. They cannot escape it, this is what the universe dealt them. They must just shuffle on. My inner American cringes and I speak "hope and life" in feeble attempts to shift their thinking. I get on my knees in prayer later sharing with God my heart that their worldview keeps them in bondage from really having a true relationship with a God who loves them, who calls them his children, who knit them together in their mother's womb, who has a hope and a future for them.
Some days I would love to believe that my whole worldview is entirely Biblical. I would love to think that I have stared at the black and white and red-letter pages so long that they have transformed every inch of my being into the way God thinks and out of me oozes the love and grace and mercy of God. I have days where I wish I was Jesus himself in the way I treat others. To be honest, I thank God for my experiences that have helped me critically evaluate my own western-oriented worldview and purge away the things that are not godly within me. And yeah, there's much that God has shifted in my life...he's gone hard after materialism in my life. He's showed me what hospitality and serving really is (I joke with people that the American version of hospitality is asking "Hey, do you want something to drink, water, soda, coffee? No, okay.") But let's face it, we are all human, we are all soaked in our own worldview, biblical or unbiblical, that silently oozes out of us daily.
And I cannot be the one to cast the first stone. My worldview will often separate me from relationship with God when not aligned with his truth and his heart. Yesterday to my shame, I came face-to-face with my own inner bratty child.
Coming back to America from living in Asia for quite awhile, I find myself being more acutely aware of my surroundings. I stand in lines and I hear the conversations around me so clearly (try living without your native language for awhile and then coming back to it....it's like sensory overload!). I listen to women complain about how slow the cashier is being, "They should get more people on these registers. These lines are ridiculous," (said to the whole two people standing in front of her). Translation: "I don't deserve to have to wait this long." I listen to a teenage girl tell her mom, "But (brother's name) got that new video game. Why can't I get this CD? It's not fair," Translation: "I deserve to have just as much stuff as someone else does." Or one day hearing "Can you believe my husband didn't consult me about the color of our new car? Now I have to drive around with this ugly tan thing." Translation: "I deserve to have things exactly the way I want them."
Entitlement: That bratty child that rises up in us and screams out to the world "I deserve this! I want this! I have to have this! You have failed if you don't give it to me!"
And I've casually listened to these conversations sometimes laughing, and sometimes, to be honest, sneering and judging, sometimes saddened, all the time thinking of people I know that if given a tan "ugly" new SUV they'd weep and hug everyone in sight. I think to myself, "I hope I don't say things like that."
Then yesterday, my inner bratty child came out to have a tantrum. My day had been one frustration after another. I sent out yet another application, resume and cover letter. I looked at my budget and saw nothing but squeezing and cutting things out. I looked at my list of things "to do" for the wedding and grew a little bit angry that I may not be able to have what others have had. It was yet another day with no job prospects, no accomplishments, feeling useless, and disconnected. In a conversation the words "I'm just so mad at God right now" came out of my lips. Translation: "God owes me more than this. Look at what all I have given for him and this is how he treats me."
Ouch. Entitlement, you are an ugly beast.
So, now that that little child has thrown itself on the floor, screaming, flailing and kicking its legs, it's time to deal some discipline and love and care. The honesty is out there. The ugliness is not hidden. So, I come back to my Abba, sit on his lap, ask for forgiveness and lean in and trust him that his ways are the highest good. He says so, he is faithful, he never leaves or forsakes us. Smooth my rough edges and continue to burn away those things that are ugly within my soul.
