The book of Genesis has become one of my favorites. The characters are so, well, real. They lie, they doubt, they inflict violence on each other, they do crazy stuff that leaves us asking "and WHY are these the examples of faith laid out for us?" In other words, I identify with their humanity.
Abraham has been an encouraging figure to me as of late. And not because of him being the "father of faith" or what not, but just because I feel like I have a small little taste of walking in his shoes.
Today is my last day of my temp job. Yesterday I received my final support check after eleven years of having a consistent, faithful support network. Eleven years ago I never would have thought I would say this, but I've really appreciated raising my own support and it's brought so much freedom to my life (for a further explanation of why, please feel free to ask...though it's not the focus of this blog, so I'm continuing on....). And right now, with my season of support finishing, I find myself on uncertain ground.
Not only am I jobless, I'm crashing in other peoples' homes. My fiance just finished his job today and moved out of his apartment yesterday to stay with his cousin until his visa goes through. And oh yeah, we are still waiting for Roy's visa in hopes that he can arrive in the USA by our intended wedding date. So, here we are, two people starting a future together with no jobs, no home to call their own, and no guarantee of when they will be together. There is no anchor point to hold on to at this point to say "this is my security."
....apart from having faith that God will come through.
And that's where we stand. There's a million and one reasons to doubt. I have sent out many, many job applications, interviewed and been denied a job opportunity over and over. It seems like a closed door. Roy and I have very little finances and yet we have to see him move internationally, have a wedding and find a place to live, furnish it and live in the day-to-day. And as of today, both of our paychecks finished.
It's scary. And all around me the American world is screaming at me to get insurance, save up, find security, make sure my future is solid. My arms feel like they are being ripped off in two different directions.
Abraham. Abraham packed up everything leaving security behind. I think many of us who have gone through transition look to him and sigh, knowing that someone, somewhere at some point in history has known how we feel. I also have been thinking about how God promised Abraham he'd be a father of many nations and yet it was decades before he saw the fulfillment of the promise. Delay and no change in circumstances can lead down a very direct road to doubt the validity of God's words, doubt his willingness to keep his promises, doubt the good will of his heart towards us.
I'm going to be honest and say I've doubted a LOT in this journey. It's been a struggle of the will, the mind, the heart and emotions to look at God's word and say "yes, that is true. Yes, this is the character and nature of God that I know and believe in." But the story of Abraham keeps pulling me back to that point. Realizing he had to wait years to see God come through and Roy and I hopefully are banking on months. We are definitely in a place where if God doesn't move, we are really stuck. I guess that can be good because it means God is FULLY in control and we have no power in and of ourselves.
But, I post this in the public forum not to whine but just to ask for prayers. We also need the fellowship and faith of others to help us stand and walk through each moment of this season. And I would ask that you would also pray that my faith would be strengthened, that I would not walk away from this season missing what God is showing me and missing seeing God for who he is in the midst of my small circumstances. For those of you coming to our wedding, know that when you arrive you also will be witnessing a true miracle as so many things will have had to have happened to see that day come to pass. We're excited to share it with you.
