Remember what you learned

Ever "cram" for a test? I'm excellent at that....I can study and memorize then spit information out on to a piece of paper and really feel like I have a good grasp of the material. Then ask me about it next week, next month and it's a blurry memory.  How do we maintain what we "know"? Since I've really got into teaching, for me the things that stick the most are what I pass on to others, and those things that have poignant life lessons attached to them.

This has been a testing season to say the least. I moved back to my home country where I haven't lived for eight years. That is challenging whether you may be aware of it or not. I transitioned out of a ministry that I've been working with for eleven years. I have been looking for a job for nearly five months now and have been without consistent financial support for two months. And the greatest challenge is maintaining a very long distance relationship while planning our wedding which has the risk of having to be rescheduled if my fiancé's visa has any glitches.

I know there will be a time when I look back on all of this and see the 20/20 hindsight perspective. I'll see how it was all woven together for my good and how each thing that did or did not happen would turn out to be a blessing. But right now I stand in the unknown. Right now I'm in the thick of it with 10 days to a wedding I'm not even 100% sure will happen on that day.

But I've learned. And, oh, how these lessons didn't come easy. I wanted to put some things in writing before this season whisks away and dissolves into the next and I forget the poignant things written into my soul.

1. God is trustworthy.
As a student and teacher of the Bible, a committed Christian and a woman who has given my life to serving God, you would think this would be a given piece of information. This simple truth has been tested to the max and I am ashamed I spent far too many days in tears wondering if this was in fact true. When job after job faded out of my grasp. When delay after delay happened in Roy's visa. When day after day went by and I am still facing reverse culture shock and asking if I truly heard God right because the journey in front of me feels so difficult and at times impossible. But God's character stands above circumstances. I don't know why I still don't have a job (and believe me, it's not for lack of trying or experience or education). I don't know why Roy and I have spent seven straight months apart. I don't know why it seems he will only arrive here two days before the wedding. But what I DO know is that none of those things makes a dent in God's trustworthiness. His plans are not our plans. His best is not always what I think is best. That challenges can be far better for me in the long run than ease and comfort. God is trustworthy. Even if we have to change the wedding. Even if we have to live with family and work odd jobs for awhile. Even if another circumstance comes our way. God is trustworthy. I don't ever want to forget that.

2. Marriage is far more important than any wedding/wedding detail.
I now know why the "bridezilla phenomenon" happens. It makes sense. And it's been a tempting reaction. The entire wedding industry sells you this fact that you can and indeed should have the wedding of your dreams and every detail can be perfect. (as long as you're willing to pay for it of course). You are paraded through this list of expectations and then if that isn't overwhelming enough, they tell you that because you are a unique couple you can break any one of those expectations and do whatever you want because it's YOUR wedding and you are the princess and you rule for that day. Self, greed, pride, reigns on your wedding day and you have every right for that to be so.
But really, if my groom makes it here, the church could burn down, no one could show up, the food could be foul, the music like nails on chalkboards, my dress stained or ruined and as long as I say "I Do" and make a covenant before God (and at least one witness!) then our marriage has begun. And that is a beautiful thing. Roy and I have had the clarity of seeing that at the end of the day, if him and I are together, THIS is what matters. The rest is insignificant and fades into a list of memories. Our relationship endures.

3. Money is not the most important thing (though it is needed in life).
I believe the teachings of the church on money often leave Christians confused. We are told money is not to have any power over us. We are never to bow to money, make it our idol. And yet the simple fact remains, we need money. Money provides us with food. It takes care of our bills.....without it we could go to prison for never paying our taxes or ignoring our medical bills or end up homeless for not paying our rent. We do NEED it. But it is not to be the all-consuming power of our lives. That's a fine balance to walk, which I think always leads us back to our God as our ultimate provider. I have been without a job for five months. My financial support dwindled and was finished two months ago. At each moment I needed it I got either a temp job for a week or two or a phone call or a check from someone who wanted to help us with the wedding. I've had to cut back. I've stopped going out to eat or doing "extras." The only things I've purchased are things needed for the wedding or groceries. We need a job. But money is not the most important thing and cannot dictate my life, our lives. Roy and I don't know financially what lies ahead for us. We both need jobs. But we know that God is our provider and will make a way....either through opening a door for us to work, or sending the ravens while we sit by the stream as he did with Elijah. What we do have, we don't want to hoard or keep back but still continue to be generous and wisely take care of the necessities.

4. Communication is a priceless gift in relationships
A long distance relationship basically has to be built on communication. Thats about all you can do over the phone. It's hard to watch a movie together, to do a puzzle, to go out to eat, to hang out with a group of friends, to hold hands or watch a beautiful sunset. When you are in a long-distance relationship, you connect and then you talk. Because of that, our relationship has been forced to have a bedrock foundation of communication. We have talked about it seems like everything. We talk twice a day. We have read books together. And then we have talked about them. This is a priceless treasure. Good relationships have good communication. Not just dating/engaged/married relationships, but friendships and family. I have learned to value open communication in a new way over this last year.

5. A job is not your identity
This has been a lesson that has been years in the learning. What we do often stems out of who we are. We seek something where we can exercise our strengths and gifts. Where we can learn and face challenges that we enjoy. But what we do is not the sum total of who we are. Easy to say when you are doing something you love. A whole lot harder to believe when you are sitting day after day, filling out job apps, having to answer peoples' questions about what you do with "well, I did this for awhile and now I'm looking for some new opportunities." I've doubted myself. I've doubted my worth. I've doubted that all my experience was valuable. I doubted the path that I took in the pass because it didn't lead me to (what I imagined would be) "success." And when those moments came I realized that I was wrapping myself in the identity of job (or lack thereof). When I worked a temp job where I was treated like the office gimp, I had to remind myself that I had so much more to offer than the people around me assumed. When applying for jobs I knew I was qualified for and yet didn't receive, I had to remind myself that it wasn't because "I wasn't enough." Those are hard lessons. The job seeking season is brutal on the soul and punches your identity in the face. I definitely will have a lot more grace and compassion for those walking through that season in the times to come.

Well, this has been a very personal blog post, but I hope something God has taught me in this season could be a lesson for you....or at least that we can nod our heads and say, "yeah, that's true" together. Our journey is always an opportunity for God to teach us something new or deepen our understanding of something we already know.

So what have you been learning in your season of life? I'd encourage you to pass it on. Or to at least write it down so you can come back to it in the seasons ahead. 

One foot in front of the other: Seeking God's direction in the midst of uncertainty

Needless to say, walking the journey of life can have its confusing moments. These last few months or so have been no exception. Roy and I knew that making a relationship work across a very long distance and waiting for visas so we can be together would be no easy task. The daily reality of that though, has been eye-opening and faith-challenging.

We have been in the continual process of making wise decisions with planning our wedding and future. We have sought counsel, talked together, come up with multiple options and paths to take, and above all got on our knees and sought God in prayer.

All of us want clear direction. We want to know that when we take a step forward, make a really big decision, that the general outcome is going to be positive. We may even want specific details of how the situation will unfold: a time frame, a response from others, that dream job, or the house finished just the way we were expecting, the plans to come together exactly how we researched and planned. And yet the reality of life is that things change, plans fail and sometimes, we can never anticipate the outcome or the twists and turns along the way.

I've been reading in the book of Isaiah over the last few months. Isaiah is a book that really shows God is a God who can be trusted. I've needed the message of this book as many moments along my most recent journey I've questioned, "The circumstances are difficult. Is God really coming through?" It's revealed the areas of doubt in my heart that my head-knowledge just couldn't hide for too long. But in Chapter 30 of Isaiah, God calls out the nation of Israel for trusting in foreign powers (i.e. Egypt) to protect them. They make their own plans but they are not necessarily God's plans. He tells them that "In returning and rest shall you be saved; in quietness and trust is your strength." (30:15) When I'm facing uncertainty, the last thing I usually am is quiet and restful.....He then tells them if they return to him and trust him that "And though the Lord give you the bread of adversity and the water of affliction, yet your Teacher will not hide himself anymore, but your eyes shall see your Teacher. And your ears shall hear a word behind you saying 'This is the way, walk in it,' when you turn to the right or when you turn to the left" (30:20-21) In the middle of uncertainty, this sounds like a breath of cool relief and peace, to hear the one in control direct the way and guide the path.

But what about those moments when you're not in rebellion, just traveling the path and you're uncertain..."am I going right, or left or is this still the way I am to walk?"

About a week ago, Roy and I got the news that his visa interview was scheduled for AFTER our intended wedding date. While a wedding date is not impossible to change it is VERY, VERY much a hassle. We decided to see if we could get an earlier date, he called the embassy and I called the Minnesota US Senator. We waited and we got an earlier date....one that would put Roy here a day or two before the wedding IF everything goes absolutely flawless. We had a decision: go ahead with the intended date, or change the wedding before people finalize tickets and travel plans. Stressful times.

I took off for a walk in the woods to clear my head and just have it out with God in the semi-privacy of nature. Living in Duluth, I am very near the Superior Hiking Trail  which is nearly 300 miles of trail that snakes along Lake Superior's North Shore area. Much of it winds its way through Duluth itself.

I was walking the path, zoning out and just mindlessly following the path wherever it would lead me. The final destination was not the goal, but just the fact that I was journeying along the path. There would often be other trails that would intersect, places where the winter cross-country ski paths or snowmobile trails would cross the hiking path. At these junctions I would notice that there would be a little sign posted on a tree indicating the way the SHT continued. At some points, the woods would open up with a somewhat discernable path but have other areas people had walked or that seemed to look like trails to follow. At those moments I'd maybe slow down and look around and I'd see the blue paint mark on the tree that you can see in the photo above. Then I knew I was on the right path. But sometimes, I'd have to walk in what I felt like was the right direction and only after a little while, spy the blue indicator on the tree.

It dawned on me, that this is what the journey of following God is often like. We have a trail, there is a journey set before us and our omniscient, all-good God knows the best for us. And even when we are well intended and on the right path, we can question or feel a bit lost or disoriented. Sometimes the assurance and the direction doesn't come in that immediate moment when we feel we need it the most. Sometimes we put one foot in front of the other, using our best judgment and wisdom that we are still on that path, and seek above for that indicator that we are to keep heading in that direction. God's heart is not chaos and disorientation, but sometimes, he wants us to check in with our Guide to slow down and not just assume we've got everything under control.

This season has been building a foundation in mine and Roy's relationship of absolute abandonment and trust in the character and intentions of God. Even when the plan looks unclear, there is still something we can know with absolute certainty, and that is that our God is good, he loves us and he is never going to abandon us. We have decided to keep our intended wedding date not because it's absolutely certain that it will all work out, but we know we've sought wisdom, we have peace in our hearts and we know that no matter what happens...if Roy's feet are on US soil come Oct 26 or not, our God is still amazing, he is good and he knows the path ahead for us. We trust him, not our own plans and we will praise God on our wedding day no matter what it takes for it to come about.

Keep on the journey dear friends. Put that next foot forward even if you don't know where the one after that will land. Keep your eyes above for that blue marker, that sometimes small indication that yeah, God is here and the path is firm. And often, it's the moments of quietness and rest, not chaos and planning and preparing where our most amount of certainty and security will be found.