The ILLUSION of Control

Yesterday was one of those carefully crafted, planned and executed days. From the moment I woke up to the cries of a hungry baby, needing to be fed, I was on "full speed ahead" mode. My "to do" list was quite long and I just mentally checked things off as I went, forgetting that small accomplishment as quickly as I could focus on the next task. Mondays I go in to my office so it means getting up and getting Josiah and myself ready for the day. Then, taking Roy to work so that I can have the car. We had to make a run to Target so Josiah and I went and sped the aisles stocking up on necessities like dish soap and toilet paper. After that, home and Josiah's time for a nap. The moment he went down, I sped around the house getting dinner prepped and in the crock pot, tossed a load of laundry in the washer, checked my work email, got Josiah's endless amount of stuff ready to take with him to the baby sitter. He woke up, after feeding and changing I dropped him off at the sitter, drove to work just in time for my meeting to start. After work was done, pick up Josiah, run and pick up Roy from work. Get home, finish dinner prep, get dinner ready for Josiah. Another load of laundry. Eat, and head out the door for a prayer meeting for the ministry that I'm involved in. As soon as that's done, run by the Indian store for a few necessities. Then....breathe. I was headed off to enjoy an evening coffee girls' night with some friends that had been planned for a few weeks. What a day. I needed my friends, a cup of decaf coffee, some chocolate and to just shake off the stress of the day.

As I'm driving along, I was listening to this song on the radio:

I tried to fit you in the walls inside my mind
I try to keep you safely in between the lines
I try to put you in the box that I've designed
I try to pull you down so we are eye to eye

When did I forget that you've always been the king of the world?
I try to take life back right out of the hands of the king of the world
How could I make you so small
When you're the one who holds it all
When did I forget that you've always been the king of the world

Just a whisper of your voice can tame the seas
So who am I to try to take the lead
Still I run ahead and think I'm strong enough
When you're the one who made me from the dust

I actually hadn't heard this song before, and it stopped my racing mind for a moment. Ah, yes. God is in control. On days like today, I forget who actually has it all together. It's really not me. 

Turns out I needed this reminder. Just a few minutes later......

splatter, splatter........CRACK!!!!!

Rain and hail began to pour down. A giant circular crack was punched into my windshield. I screamed and ducked (as if that would help avoid the onslaught of hail!). My car sounded like it was being bashed in with a bat. I couldn't believe how fast and how hard those little hail balls could hit. Some were marble sized, but I think some of them coming down were closer to quarter sized. They kept punching dent after dent into the car and crack after crack in my windshield. 

I turned into the nearest parking lot and tried to find an overhang to hide my car under. The nearest tree had to do and the leaves softened the blows to my car as I huddled underneath. 

And I just cried. I felt so small. So helpless. So out of control. I wept for fear. I wept for our super tight budget with most of our money already ear-marked for things for our new house and the move and regular bills. I wept for the sheer exhaustion of the day. I was NOT the king of my own world at that moment.  

This morning, I watched Josiah as he woke up crying out knowing that someone would be there to pick him up. He fussed knowing that food would be given to him. He fell asleep in my arms just before nap time, knowing and trusting that he was safe, protected and cared for. I need to be more like Josiah most days....faith like a child is truly something that I lose sight of. I forget how good my heavenly Father is. I forget that chaos can hit at any moment for any one of us: storms and natural disasters, death of family members, loss of jobs, relocation of jobs, broken relationships, the destruction of our own personal and ongoing sin, a sudden illness, etc. We really aren't as in control as we think we are. 

This morning, I need to crawl into my heavenly Father's arms and just know I'm safe, cared for, loved and he has it all under control....and I need to make a call to the insurance company.