Anyone who knows me knows I'm pretty driven and can be pretty busy, all the time. I spent this weekend taking some deliberate down-time. I haven't been feeling the best the last few days and decided I would just spend the weekend not doing a lot of anything. For some that is sheer bliss, for me it can be really difficult. I'm finding that sometimes when I get a big gap of free time I either 1. try to fill it as quickly as I can or 2. get really down on myself that I don't have people pounding my door down to hang out or 3. feel guilty because maybe I should be doing something like praying for the next 3 hours. The object of all of them is putting my identity in something I do or the people I know. Not good.
God's been speaking to me a lot about my identity during my time here at Wheaton. I like being in class with other people who are just like me...involved in missions, doing crazy things for God, and some of them have been doing this for a lot longer and a lot better than I have. I've needed the humble perspective I've been handed during this season. I'm not a rockstar, I'm not some "holier than thou" missionary in a hard place (it's a weird position to grapple with when I return to speak or meet with people. They feel intimidated or say things like "you're such a hero" or "I could never do what you're doing" when these things are meant to encourage, often they puff me up if I am not careful and allow my identity to be defined by God's opinion of me, which he sees how weak I am, my failures and victories...which I can usually attribute the failures to myself and the victories to him. Yeah...a bit of a rabbit trail and a bit of exposing my humanity).
I read through my journal from this last year on Friday. I was struck by how many times I was lamenting how tired I was, especially before I came back to the USA. I wrote over and over, "I just wish I had some time to spend with me and the Lord without any interruptions" and now I'm here at Wheaton, no job, no car, no responsibilities outside of my school work and less relational and leadership obligations, there are only interruptions if I allow them. This is a gift that has been handed to me. And I don't want to overlook it or not take full advantage of it.
So, I've been having great times with the Lord. I am not going through a structured study because I usually get caught up in the "gotta get this done" mentality, but just taking chunks of time where I just focus on the Lord. Sometimes it involves a journal, sometimes I do something creative, sometimes I listen to music, sometimes I go for a walk, but often I'm finding myself just sitting in the quiet and soaking it all in. I've been praying that my passion for God and my intimacy with him would be the defining feature of my life this year. I want to go deeper than I've ever been with him, and that doesn't come through passivity nor does it come through hyper-activism FOR God. It comes out of being WITH God. So, pray for me. Pray as I pray that God would increase his passion in my life. That I'd go to deeper places with him, that I'd open up areas of my heart I've been reluctant to let him in to, that I'd radically pursue him. And this will be my prayer for you dear friends, for I can think of nothing greater in our lives than a deep relationship with our Savior and King.
1 comment:
awesome.
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