A struggling idealist

I had an epiphony in a dusty van on a way to a village a couple summers ago in Afghanistan. Someone had the book "Please Understand Me!" for the Myers-Briggs test. Well, as we had about 7 hours to get to this village I had time to pillage the pages that told me all about myself. For those who are interested in those things I am an ENFJ. Although when I took this three years before that, I was an INFJ....maybe proof that environment and necessity can change your personality. I don't know. So, in other words, I'm now more extroverted than I was before.

Moving on...
So, I was looking through this book and there was a lot of information but one thing that was like a light bulb going on was that I am an idealist. I'm actually an Idealist (with a capital "I"). I had never verbalized this or formed a thought about it, but it was so true. I realize that most of the time I have a running image in my head about how I feel things should be, how I should be, even sometimes how others should be. After further contemplation I realized that with idealism, comes great disappointment. No one lives up to how I think they should be, and I'm the primary failure of my own expectations. I had grand images of myself before I moved to Af...making instant friends, impressing them with my language, leading people to the L'd, changing the face of the nation.

And I fell short of those expectations. And I learned so much about my humanity and my dependence on God and his using "the weak things to shame the strong."

So, now I'm trying to figure out how I manage my idealism as it can be a strength (let's put the term VISIONARY on it and now it looks like a positive thing). But, then I need to come down off my cloud and have real expectations of myself.

Like today. It's my first day back at Wheaton. I have these visions of grandeur of me really digging into my studies and soaking up every minute for all it's worth. I have dreams of me making amazing new friends and initiating social activities that everyone loves. I have dreams of being the right blend of intelligence, wit, and beauty to attract someone's eye from across the campus and have him asking his friends "who is that girl and how do I get to know her?" I have dreams of me volunteering with some of the Muslim students in neighborhood and striking up life-changing conversations, and being the student that the professors talked about for years to come and all the amazing impact I am having in the nations and in missions.

Sigh. But I'm just Danika. Sometimes I can do really impressive things. Most days I'm just down to earth. In need of grace. My own efforts don't produce much but my efforts, anointed by God and led by his spirit can produce much more.

I think on days like today where idealism, pride, insecurity and all my humanity run together, I need to remember, I'm loved. That God....loves....me. Full stop. My mind needs to stop racing and just rest in the fact that I am loved by the God of the universe. Selah.