I hate injustice.

I'm sitting in a coffee shop reading my required class reading on cross-cultural ethics. I paused to jump on the internet and see what has been happening in the world. There seems to be a bit of "chatter" among some of my friends in Central Asia so I jump over to the news page and read about Gayle. (if you haven't read this news story, read it first before continuing my post. Just click on the hyperlink.)

I also scrolled through the other news about the Taliban killing people aboard a bus (women and children included), a suicide bomber in the next province over from my city in Central Asia.

Then I sit here in said comfortable coffee shop under a cloud of emotions. I'm grieved at the loss of this woman who I know was probably not much different from me...felt compassion and a call, put a comfortable life aside and took on the harsh realities of life under a head scarf. I'm sad to have lost a fellow worker and sister.

Then I'm just angry that these people who kill and maim and destroy for an ideal in the name of religion, serving God, creating a land in the name of "God", etc, etc, etc. What kind of a God can see that the end justifies the means?!?! How can killing children in the name of Allah be a worthy cause? How can killing a woman, even if you believe her to be a spy, actually cross your mind, let alone be something you follow through on? Our world is a sad, psychotic, desperate place.

Then I'm scared. I'm scared at the way the people on my side of the globe are reacting my equating all Muslim people with Fundamentalist Terrorism (if this is you, DON'T! It's not true and it's a form of racism!). I'm also scared at how drawn I continue to be to this nation where my life could be taken from me. I'm scared at the discussions I'm having to have with my family about where to put my body should I die "over there." I'm scared that after all the effort, blood, sweat, tears, prayer, money, etc that's been put into A. that sometimes it feels like one step forward, two steps back. I question if what we (and by we I don't mean the US government) are doing is making a lasting difference. I want to go and give 150% there but at the same time I sometimes feel like running away because it's so complicated and overwhelming.

Because of my "occupation" I'm sure some people are waiting for the "light at the end of the tunnel" conclusion and I want to find that myself and cling fast to it. I want to be able to say glibly with others "there's a reason for everything" and actually believe it, but that would be merely a Christian-ese band-aid (and more in-line with fatalistic Islam than the message of the Bible). Truth is, encountering the injustices and tragedies of the world that I have has made me question God even more. Please don't misunderstand me. This questioning is not a losing faith or a doubting the existence of God. In fact, "questioning God" is probably not it so much as questioning MY perception of who God is. If God is too small to deal with these issues or too callous to feel about them or too ignorant to have expected them...then that's probably not God but my shallow image of God.

So, tomorrow I may wake up with more hope, but today I'm just a bit angry at the world. I'm a bit saddened by the perpetual fallenness of humanity and the endless loss that we inflict upon ourselves and others. And today, I'm really, really angry at the Taliban. I may not be a great Christian today. I'm probably not the most gracious M-worker, but this is just how I feel.