Needing a change

Yesterday I went into my hairstylist with the intention of getting my hair about shoulder length, some subtle layers, and I left with a short, sassy little do. I was feeling a bit crazy and sensing that ever-present, itching desire within me for change and something new. I really like the new look and kinda feel a bit more grown-up.

I've realized I have a really hard time sitting still. I've had other adults, further down the path of life than me, tell me it's just a phase but I'm beginning to realize this is a part of who I am. I really like experiencing the new. I love digging into a new project, no matter what it may be: trying a new recipe, checking out a new store, starting a new book, starting a new craft project, starting a new class, venturing into a new country, starting a new NGO, meeting a new person, planning a new adventure, learning a new language. What I have a hard time with is carrying through the new to the finish. I'm realizing how many half-crocheted blankets I have sitting around, how many plans I'm making when I have responsibilities to finish, other languages I'm wanting to start learning. In YWAM I tend to fit in well because "pioneering" is an every day word in that crowd. Here in the Wheaton, suburban area, I'm feeling like a fish out of water in a land that is putting down roots, prides itself on it's long standing history, you can't get a job unless you're willing to commit a year etc, etc. I wonder if I will always be an anomaly in America. I'm definitely feeling like it lately.

So, friends, in a moment of vulnerability, I'd ask for your prayers. I am feeling a bit lonely and disconnected. I feel like a puzzle piece without the rest of my puzzle, trying to figure out how to fit in a puzzle I wasn't designed for (how's that for deep metaphorical language!) But for real, I think this is the typical experience of every cross-cultural worker or anyone who finds themselves in varying contexts. Believe it or not, I'm missing the intensity of my lifestyle overseas. I'm growing weary of the "coffee shop" culture of spending way too much time chit-chatting over the every-dayness of life. I want to put my hands to something new and messy and chaotic again.

At the same time, I guess it's good that I'm feeling this way. I did fear a bit I'd return to America and never want to leave and go back because I enjoyed it too much. Granted, I've loved how comfortable life has been this last year and a half. But I know from experience that comfort is not the highest goal in life. I want to get back to aiming higher.