Change is a'comin!

Do you ever get that sense that you are at the verge of something new, something that will flip your world upside down and you have no idea what it is? Like you just want to run after it with everything you have, and yet you are hesitant because it will mean life change and leaving things behind.

This is the amorphous zone I'm in right now. I'm happy to say that I'm a bit more happy right now. I had some great times of prayer, some debriefing, building some new friendships, hung out with people that have different perspective, different experiences, and wisdom to offer.

One thing I am breaking free from is GUILT! I have been tending to hang that like a weight around my neck and making decisions out of it, and holding back because of it, and sitting under a cloud of it. I have had some time looking at the root of guilt in my life and breaking it off. I don't think I will never feel guilty again, but I feel as though I've found a dose of freedom during this time. And Christian guilt is the worst. We shroud it in this thing that looks like holiness and servanthood, but really it's ugly, stinky guilt. Really, we are not called to take on all the world's load, we are not called to be walking martyrs because it induces some kind of spiritual perfection in us, we are not called to serve because there is no other option....we are called to live an abundant life in Christ! We are called to run the race marked out for us. We are called to take on His yoke. We are called to live a life of fullness and abundance, not heaviness and drudgery. My mother and I spoke last night on the phone and she even commented that I don't sound so guilty any more. Praise God! Freedom is a beautiful thing.

But still, there are some decisions in my hands right now. I have a number of things that I'm praying through, processing and talking with people about. I wish I could divulge more, but I do ask for your prayers as I wade through all this. I guess the thing I can tell you is that change is happening. I have had a sense that transition was upon me this whole last year. That feeling is even stronger than ever. So, I'm waiting on the Lord, asking him for the fullness of this next season for me.

I will be heading to Switzerland in a week and I'm looking forward to a change of scenery and hanging out with friends I haven't seen in a while as well as exploring a country that I have not been to yet!

19

Saturday came and went.
The rain fell. I walked the streets of Glasgow, sipped on a Starbucks Gingerbread latte, and thought about my brother James, a lot.

It would have been his 19th birthday that day.

It seems like a cliche but I really can't believe three years have passed with him no longer on this earth. When he died, I thought time would have to stop to just absorb the loss, but as anyone who has walked the path of grief knows, time continues to pass, whether you think it fair or not.

There is this forever space in my life. It's so strange now to meet new people and they have no idea the space is there. They have no reference to tell them what once filled the space apart from the things I can tell them. I still don't know how to answer the question "So, do you have any brothers or sisters?" The pain is not so sharp but the answer still seems forced and never complete.

I woke up Saturday just more aware of that space than I have been other days. The day passed. People, mostly strangers, interacted with me without knowing, and life moved on. The day was relatively quiet. No expectations. No cake. No phone calls home to say "Happy Birthday little bro!" Just rain, memories and a few tears. Another anniversary come and gone.

To the depths of the well

Burnout comes when you come into a higher level of responsibility and haven’t tapped into the corresponding revelation of God.

This week I am sitting in on the lectures for the School of Frontier Missions here. The speaker is sharing on Member Care.

Today she made the above comment and it hit me straight to the heart. I felt this resonate in relation to the wall of burnout that I have encountered myself. She had us take some time to seek God as to the challenge in front of us and what God wants to say about who he is in response to it.

So, the following is the picture I received:

The challenge:
I am standing at a well of water. In my hands are a bucket and in front of me is a crowd of people waiting for water. I have been giving water out, quite energetically for quite some time. The well was brimming full and many people have received water as they came.

Over time, I noticed the well was starting to diminish. However, I didn’t think much of it as there was still plenty of water every time I dropped the bucket down into it.

Now, I’m at a point where the bucket and the rope it is attached to is barely reaching the surface of the water. I begin to panic, and I begin to stop giving out the water. I think to myself, if I give out any more, it will be gone. I should wait for it to fill back up or for a good rain shower. I can’t give away what I don’t have.

This is so clearly how I’m feeling right now, a deep vacant well, an empty bucket and many people asking for water. But, what is God saying in the middle of it all? What is the revelation I need to go with the corresponding level of responsibility?

As I listened, God spoke:
Your perception of the well must change. You are seeing the well as empty, when really, you do not know the depths of the well. The resources you have to go to the depths have only gotten you so far, now you must go deeper for water. In the depths the waters are fresh, cool and life-giving. The well will not run dry. It is not empty, you just have to go deeper.

Take me deeper Lord! I will send my bucket down to those depths. Fill it! Take me to that depth with you!

The love of God

Yesterday there was a break in the clouds and the rain. I glanced out the window of the YWAM base and saw the sea was still and it was almost as if it was calling my name. I put on my coat and grabbed my camera and walked along the beach for about 2 hours. The seals were basking on the rocks and playfully jumping in and out of the waves. The sun over the Isle of Arran painted pictures across the sky going from golden to purple.

I’ve been consumed by the love of God the last few days. In many ways I came here wanting to search for answers and direction. I feel that those will come in time, but first and foremost, God wants my heart. And he wants to take me deeper with him, and open my spirit to his extravagant love.

Sadly God’s love is something we reduce to a basic Sunday School concept and we nod with agreement in our “spiritual maturity” when we talk about the love of God for people. When really, the love of God is something that should make us weak in the knees when we encounter it. It is the very force that sustains our existence, and it is the very thing that makes life worth living. How dare we be passive about it.

Sadly, in my drivenness, I’ve put the love of God on the backshelf. Even in this last week, God has dusted it off and set it in front of me. I’m forced to reckon with the love of God, and when we encounter it, we are never the same.

The love of God washed over me as I stood on the beach yesterday. Me, small, meek, insignificant in the scheme of things, but known by the God of the universe. He spoke his love as he painted a majestic sunset across the sky for me. His Spirit whispered to my heart. Words of intimacy, beauty, love.

“My beloved speaks and says to me, ‘Arise, my love, my beautiful one, and come away…’” (Song of Solomon 2:10)

If you have not heard the song by Kim Walker, I suggest finding it and letting the truth of God’s love sink, sink deep into your spirit. Not just Sunday School knowledge, let it ruin you and weaken your knees. Let is send tears down your face and shake you to the core of your being. This is the intensity with which we are loved:

He Loves Us

He is jealous for me
Loves like a hurricane
I am a tree
Bending beneath the weight of his wind and mercy
When all of a sudden I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by Glory
And I realize just how beautiful you are and how great your affections are for me

Oh how he loves us, so
Oh How he loves us, how he loves us so

We are his portion and he is our prize
Drawn to redemption by the grace in his eyes
If grace is an ocean we’re all sinking
So, heaven meets earth like a sloppy wet kiss
And my heart turns violently inside of my chest
I don’t have time to maintain these regrets when I think about the way

He loves us
Oh how he loves us
Oh how he loves us
Oh how he loves

A few beautiful things in Scotland so far:

On time trains. coffee. Glasgow. the sea. sleeping in. rain. more rain. lots of refreshing rain. curly hair because of the rain. new friends. old friends. a comfortable bed. corporate worship. red-faced Scottish men offering to buy me a pint. grocery stores. brie cheese. Guinness. high speed internet. skype chat with my family. the sun peeking through the clouds. smiling hellos. the front seat of a car. more coffee. hot water. men that look me in the eye. hugs. a walk by myself. my headscarf in the bottom of my suitcase. the Scottish lilt. men in kilts. soy lattes. using a credit card. cadbury chocolate. prayer. jeans. the English language. green grass. the fall leaves. electricity at the flip of a switch. freedom.

A few photos from a walk I took this morning: