A different kind of book recommendation....

I've not been too diligent with my blog lately, not because I don't have much on my mind, but I have felt as though I keep having the same thing on my mind. These last few weeks my grandma, my aunt and myself have begun a journey of helping my grandma move forward in a life that no longer includes my grandpa. It's a task that I feel we are all doing out of necessity (vs. desire) and therefore has had it's stressful and difficult moments. In many ways, we are protected within our little bubble of grief but all of us are facing major life transitions that we could not have anticipated even a few months ago. There have been moments that reminded me of the novel "The Secret Life of Bees" in which a bunch of sisters and friends living on a bee farm face all that life has brought them or taken away from them together. I am thankful for our moments of breakdown and tears, the arms that are always there to give a hug, the frustration or anger that we each take with a grain of salt because we know it comes from a place of deep grief and hurt, and the moments of laughter and odd impulses (like the day we burnt piles and piles of wood from the yard, keeping a fire blazing well into the night and roasting bratwurst on precariously assembled skewers).

Our pastor gave my grandma the book Tear Soup, by Pat Schwiebert & Chuck DeKlyen, which looks like a children's book but is story about a woman walking through grief. In the book, making tear soup is the metaphor for the grief and it shares the story of how this woman makes the soup...it's bitter at first and she spends much time at the stove adding each drop. People around her get tired of eating nothing but tear soup and so for a season, she eats it alone. It talks about how everyone's soup is their own recipe and it can't be duplicated, and it always takes longer than expected to make a pot. For those of you who have walked through grief, are facing grief, or have friends that are grieving, I recommend this as a beautiful resource. I cried and cried when I read it. At the end of the book there is a list of advice and resources for people who are grieving or who have friends that are grieving.

I wanted to post here the list for "If your friend is making tear soup" as I found it to be helpful advice:

** Be there for your friend, even when you don't understand.
** Be a source of comfort by listening, laughing, and crying.
** Stick close to your friend and defend their right to grieve.
** Allow your friend to make mistakes... or at least to grieve differently from the way you would grieve.
** Send flowers. Send money if you know this would help.
** Send cards. The message doesn't need to be long. Just let them know you haven't forgotten them. Send one every few weeks for a while.
** Call your friend. Don't worry about being a bother. Let your friend tell you if they don't want to talk about their loss right now.
** Answering machines and e-mail are great ways to keep in touch, allowing the bereaved person to respond only when they feel up to it.
** Try to anticipate what your friend may need. Bereaved persons sometimes don't know what to ask for.
** Avoid offering easy answers and platitudes. This only invalidates the grief. Be patient. Don't try to rush your friend through their grief.
** Give your friend permission to grieve in front of you. Don't change the subject or tell them not to cry or act uncomfortable when they do cry.
** Ask them questions. But don't tell them how they should feel.
** Invite your friend to attend events together, as you normally would. Let them decide if they don't want to attend.
** Don't assume because your friend is having a good day that it means they are over their loss.
** Be mindful of holidays, birthdays and anniversaries.