Identity

It's amazing how many things in our life tell us who we are...our family, friends, culture, society, experiences, rejection, love, hurt, joy, God, the church, winning and losing. I'm amazed at the fact that we really know who we are at all when these voices clamor in our ears day after day.

One thing God is going deep with during this SBS is my identity. I am spending every day, all day in the TRUTH. When I come face-to-face with who God is and what he speaks about his people, the darkness is exposed in me and it can't help but be stripped away. Every week finds me peeling another layer aside.

I have to admit, in this very public forum, I struggle so much with my worth. My default is to think my worth is in what I do, in that person looking at me and saying "wow, Danika, you are really good at _________." But that fades, and I go searching for it again. It's like drinking salt water in the desert. It never quenches and it only damages me inside.

The thing is I KNOW the truth of my worth. I know God's word. I hear his voice. I read of it, I even disciple others in it, I even TEACH this! But, do I believe that God's word for me is true? Do I say, "Yes, I have worth because GOD has given it to me" not because I've done something really well. (Or that i don't have worth because I'm not good at something). It seems like such a fundamental message, but I wonder how many of us, especially us women...because I don't understand the male psyche and if they struggle with this...really wrestle with our worth. That when we hear God speak his love over us, do we hear it as fluff, or do we drink deep of it and savor it? Do we reject it or do we embrace it?

There's a song that I have been listening to repeatedly because I almost feel like it's God's word to me right now. It's not a Christian song, but I believe the message comes from the heart of God:

Shine On, By Eric Bibb

Keep on when your mind says quit
Dream on ‘til you find your living it
I’ll be right by your side
Yeah baby keep on
Don’t stop ‘til you win your prize
Lean on all the love that is in my eyes
You’re a diamond to me, yes you are
Shine on

I know what you’ve been through
I see
But it’s time to leave it behind and let it be
Yeah

Hard-earned wisdom is something you can’t buy
It’s the wings of experience
That make you fly

Don’t look back
Don’t look back
Don’t turn around
You’re on the right track

I love the words "hard-earned wisdom is something you can't buy. It's the wings of experience that make you fly." I feel that who I am today has not come easily. I have never really had a simple life filled with ease. And even in this time of rest and refreshment, it's not been easy. The wisdom that God is refining in me is coming at a great cost. But it's because of these difficulties that I am me. I am tough because life has beaten me up a bit and by God's strength, I've gotten up and kept running. I am gentle because God has allowed my heart to be softened by heartache and the deep stuff of life and the suffering of others.

And I've wondered often, am I on the right track? This year I've sought the advice and wisdom of so many people I couldn't even count them, I've prayed and heard from God, but I've doubted myself. And here I am, in this new phase of life. I have no idea where the path is headed, and God is healing where the path has gone. I am on the right track.

And right now, my only duty is to lean on all the love in God's eyes. Because that love, that love is for me. It's for me.