approval addiction

There's something I've been greatly challenged by over the last while, a thing God is speaking into the depths of my soul, as well as the shallow areas of my sin and insecurity. This last week in church here in Taipei, the pastor shared on "approval addiction" or what we may call "the fear of man" in churches. I've heard so many talks and speeches on the fear of man, but calling it by the term approval addiction kind of shook me to the core.

An addiction is something that you usually orient your whole life around to have and it implies that you have an unhealthy relationship with that thing, depending upon it to temporarily fill some kind of need...you're stressed so you have a smoke, you're depressed so you down half a gallon of ice cream, you're an adrenaline junkie so you gamble, etc, etc.

And each one of us has this need to be loved by others. But what about when it gets out of hand, when you orient your entire life around getting people to like you, to praise you, to affirm who you are as a person (and usually who YOU want them to know you as...something you portray yourself as.) This is temporarily filling a need that needs a more permanent solution.

I thought this little image was a pretty powerful example:

This person is saying "love me, see me, don't walk away from me!"

Now here's the honest truth...I have a lot of the fear of man in me. I would like to deny it, talk about my utter dependence upon God's identity for me, my security in who I am, but there is a lot in me that wants others to think very highly of me, to paint an image in people's minds of a woman who is capable, fearless, bold, confident, intelligent, loves everyone and doesn't need anyone. Sigh, but inside, I'm often intimidated, fearful that what I think or believe will cause a negative reaction from others, I sometimes doubt the Lord can fulfill what he has promised, I feel rejected, neglected, over-looked, etc, etc, etc. I'm human. I'm fallen. I'm weak.

This week we are in the book of the Samuels in the SBS...a book that speaks volumes into the fear of man. Saul was a man who oriented his whole life around what people thought of him and this came at the expense of walking in obedience to God. I've been realizing the more we orient our lives around what others think of us, who the "right" people are to associate, or even spiritualizing it and calling it ministry when really we are doing things only to look good or to feel like we are making a contribution and have something to offer others, it can be at the expense of walking in our true identity and living a life of obedience to God. Saul could have been a great king...he had the greatest opportunity in all of history and yet he threw it all away for the sake of himself.

So...I throw this out there to open up a discussion. Honestly, I think we all struggle with this to a degree, some more than others. How willing are we to admit this, walk this out, hold one another accountable. And I want to be a woman who walks in the fear of the Lord, who holds the thoughts of God higher than all else, who is not swayed or makes decisions based on others' reactions. I've wanted to find a "quick solution" to shocking my heart into the fear of the Lord, thinking maybe I need weeping and repentance session with my face on the floor, maybe have someone shout at me and tell me how awful I am until I come back at them with confidence in my true identity, a self-help book and council and wise advice from humble leaders, but really, I know that walking in the fear of the Lord means KNOWING my Lord...spending all the time I can with HIM, hearing HIS heart, being honest with HIM. It can't be about me any more....it's gotta be about HIM.

The calm before the storm

This is the most recent (as I type this) satellite image of these two twin typhoons baring down on the little island of Taiwan and heading toward Japan. I grew up in northern MN with the worst storms involving thunder and lightening and the occasional tornado warning. Typhoons (the Pacific Ocean's hurricanes) are quite a whole other thing. I experienced a few of them last year...the most epic one being when a bunch of us threw paper airplanes off the top of a building and watched them literally fly over half of the city that we live in because the winds were so strong and gusty.

But, today is such a weird day...before Typhoons hit, it is absolutely GORGEOUS outside. The sky is clear blue because all the clouds have been sucked back into the storm, it's a little breezy and the temperature has dropped (for a normally hot, humid tropical climate, this is a wonderful phenomenon to experience in August). And it makes me realize what that phrase "calm before the storm" really means.

And if you look at the map above, it's going to hit all of Taiwan pretty hard, but we are in the north so we'll get the storm a bit later. So, today I'm going to enjoy some time with friends and get out and just enjoy the blue sky and cooler temps. If only I could take a lesson from this, when I know busy or difficult times loom on the horizon, but still appreciating the NOW moments, enjoying the beauty, the change, even when it is mixed with uncertainty, dark clouds, and a lot of wind and torrential rains.

So, for those of you East-coasters who just braved your own storm, please keep Taiwan in your prayers as we brave our own! :) See you on the flip side.

Pain is a part of the process....

I ran a half marathon a little over half a year ago, believe it or not.
I still have the medal in my room.
I still remember how it felt to cross that finish line.
I even have pictures to prove it (see below)...

And now I'm feeling like I'm back at square one trying to train for another one!
I took a 3 week "break" while I was prepping and teaching Exodus...BAD idea. I should not skip workouts to study and stress. That defeats the purpose. The workout is supposed to ease the stress and make sure those snacks I ate while studying don't take up permanent residence around my waist.

So....
I'm back on the training circuit. And sending out my intentions into the cyber-world maybe in a manner of accountability or of confessions from a slacker. But, I'm excited to run another half. It's true, you really do get addicted to them.
But I know these next few weeks will be a little painful. It's embarrassing when I can barely bust out two miles but I have to keep in mind, it's the way training goes! And I was thinking it's a bit like life, you know...sometimes you are going and you know you're prepared for it, when it gets a bit rough it's okay, you've been trained for it. But there are other times when you're stepping into something new or getting back into something again and the learning curve is steep and a bit painful...it hurts the pride, and maybe even the physical body.
So, I'm facing the pain and going to get back in shape to conquer these 13.1 miles!

Hopefully you'll be seeing me like this in a few months: :)

thoughts on the presence....

presence of God that is. :)

Exodus has been mulling around in my mind and in my spirit after I finished teaching. I've been SO blessed to study this book and really, really loved the journey God brought me through with it. One thing I've been really challenged by is God's presence and I wanted to share a bit about it here...if I get too "teachy" or "preachy" please forgive me....but then again it is my blog, and my space to share my thoughts.

Anyways, the instructions for the tabernacle are given in the book of Exodus. I have always considered this kind of the "boring" part of this book, or the part that you could probably just not include, maybe mention that it was built and move on with life.

But, as I went through and processed this part of Exodus, I made the connection to Hebrews 8:5 in that what God did in the wilderness was a shadow of what was to come, namely through Jesus. The tabernacle was a shadow. It pointed to a much more glorious reality. And the whole end goal of the tabernacle was that God's presence would dwell with his people. He made a way that their sins could be atoned for and a holy God could dwell in their midst. The end goal was relationship and God's presence.
Well, hello....that's exactly the purpose of Jesus! The end goal of his death and resurrection was that God could dwell in relationship with his people. He provided a way that their sins could be atoned for and a holy God could dwell and draw near to a sinful people (ahem....you and me). The end goal is relationship and God's presence with man.

And this is the epic conclusion of all of history that is pointed to in the book of Revelation 21:3 "...Behold, the dwelling place of God is with man..."

God wants to be present in our lives.

After the sinning of the people by worshiping the golden calf, Moses interceded for the people. And God commanded them (Exodus 33:1-3) to leave Sinai and head towards the promised land. He says that he will still fulfill his promise for the people and bring them into the land but his presence will not go with them....

I asked myself this question: "If God promised to fulfill every promise in my life and yet he was not present in it, would I be content with that?"...namely, do I just want the benefits of God, the working of his power and great plans for my life, or do I really truly desire the presence of God in my life...Him, for who he is, no strings attached. The passage after this is Moses' well known interaction with God asking that his presence go with them and if it doesn't, it's not even worth it for them to go. Then he asks to see the glory of God.

Moses and Exodus has taught me a lot of God's intentionality with his people. God has pursued me. He has saved me. He has given me his word and his truth. He has set me free. But it also begs a response on my part....the design of my life has always been God's presence, not just "all things working out in a really good way."

So...let me leave you with that question:
Are you asking God only for the fulfillment of his promises or do you truly recognize and seek the presence of God in your every day life? What keeps you from the presence of God?