approval addiction

There's something I've been greatly challenged by over the last while, a thing God is speaking into the depths of my soul, as well as the shallow areas of my sin and insecurity. This last week in church here in Taipei, the pastor shared on "approval addiction" or what we may call "the fear of man" in churches. I've heard so many talks and speeches on the fear of man, but calling it by the term approval addiction kind of shook me to the core.

An addiction is something that you usually orient your whole life around to have and it implies that you have an unhealthy relationship with that thing, depending upon it to temporarily fill some kind of need...you're stressed so you have a smoke, you're depressed so you down half a gallon of ice cream, you're an adrenaline junkie so you gamble, etc, etc.

And each one of us has this need to be loved by others. But what about when it gets out of hand, when you orient your entire life around getting people to like you, to praise you, to affirm who you are as a person (and usually who YOU want them to know you as...something you portray yourself as.) This is temporarily filling a need that needs a more permanent solution.

I thought this little image was a pretty powerful example:

This person is saying "love me, see me, don't walk away from me!"

Now here's the honest truth...I have a lot of the fear of man in me. I would like to deny it, talk about my utter dependence upon God's identity for me, my security in who I am, but there is a lot in me that wants others to think very highly of me, to paint an image in people's minds of a woman who is capable, fearless, bold, confident, intelligent, loves everyone and doesn't need anyone. Sigh, but inside, I'm often intimidated, fearful that what I think or believe will cause a negative reaction from others, I sometimes doubt the Lord can fulfill what he has promised, I feel rejected, neglected, over-looked, etc, etc, etc. I'm human. I'm fallen. I'm weak.

This week we are in the book of the Samuels in the SBS...a book that speaks volumes into the fear of man. Saul was a man who oriented his whole life around what people thought of him and this came at the expense of walking in obedience to God. I've been realizing the more we orient our lives around what others think of us, who the "right" people are to associate, or even spiritualizing it and calling it ministry when really we are doing things only to look good or to feel like we are making a contribution and have something to offer others, it can be at the expense of walking in our true identity and living a life of obedience to God. Saul could have been a great king...he had the greatest opportunity in all of history and yet he threw it all away for the sake of himself.

So...I throw this out there to open up a discussion. Honestly, I think we all struggle with this to a degree, some more than others. How willing are we to admit this, walk this out, hold one another accountable. And I want to be a woman who walks in the fear of the Lord, who holds the thoughts of God higher than all else, who is not swayed or makes decisions based on others' reactions. I've wanted to find a "quick solution" to shocking my heart into the fear of the Lord, thinking maybe I need weeping and repentance session with my face on the floor, maybe have someone shout at me and tell me how awful I am until I come back at them with confidence in my true identity, a self-help book and council and wise advice from humble leaders, but really, I know that walking in the fear of the Lord means KNOWING my Lord...spending all the time I can with HIM, hearing HIS heart, being honest with HIM. It can't be about me any more....it's gotta be about HIM.