The ILLUSION of Control

Yesterday was one of those carefully crafted, planned and executed days. From the moment I woke up to the cries of a hungry baby, needing to be fed, I was on "full speed ahead" mode. My "to do" list was quite long and I just mentally checked things off as I went, forgetting that small accomplishment as quickly as I could focus on the next task. Mondays I go in to my office so it means getting up and getting Josiah and myself ready for the day. Then, taking Roy to work so that I can have the car. We had to make a run to Target so Josiah and I went and sped the aisles stocking up on necessities like dish soap and toilet paper. After that, home and Josiah's time for a nap. The moment he went down, I sped around the house getting dinner prepped and in the crock pot, tossed a load of laundry in the washer, checked my work email, got Josiah's endless amount of stuff ready to take with him to the baby sitter. He woke up, after feeding and changing I dropped him off at the sitter, drove to work just in time for my meeting to start. After work was done, pick up Josiah, run and pick up Roy from work. Get home, finish dinner prep, get dinner ready for Josiah. Another load of laundry. Eat, and head out the door for a prayer meeting for the ministry that I'm involved in. As soon as that's done, run by the Indian store for a few necessities. Then....breathe. I was headed off to enjoy an evening coffee girls' night with some friends that had been planned for a few weeks. What a day. I needed my friends, a cup of decaf coffee, some chocolate and to just shake off the stress of the day.

As I'm driving along, I was listening to this song on the radio:

I tried to fit you in the walls inside my mind
I try to keep you safely in between the lines
I try to put you in the box that I've designed
I try to pull you down so we are eye to eye

When did I forget that you've always been the king of the world?
I try to take life back right out of the hands of the king of the world
How could I make you so small
When you're the one who holds it all
When did I forget that you've always been the king of the world

Just a whisper of your voice can tame the seas
So who am I to try to take the lead
Still I run ahead and think I'm strong enough
When you're the one who made me from the dust

I actually hadn't heard this song before, and it stopped my racing mind for a moment. Ah, yes. God is in control. On days like today, I forget who actually has it all together. It's really not me. 

Turns out I needed this reminder. Just a few minutes later......

splatter, splatter........CRACK!!!!!

Rain and hail began to pour down. A giant circular crack was punched into my windshield. I screamed and ducked (as if that would help avoid the onslaught of hail!). My car sounded like it was being bashed in with a bat. I couldn't believe how fast and how hard those little hail balls could hit. Some were marble sized, but I think some of them coming down were closer to quarter sized. They kept punching dent after dent into the car and crack after crack in my windshield. 

I turned into the nearest parking lot and tried to find an overhang to hide my car under. The nearest tree had to do and the leaves softened the blows to my car as I huddled underneath. 

And I just cried. I felt so small. So helpless. So out of control. I wept for fear. I wept for our super tight budget with most of our money already ear-marked for things for our new house and the move and regular bills. I wept for the sheer exhaustion of the day. I was NOT the king of my own world at that moment.  

This morning, I watched Josiah as he woke up crying out knowing that someone would be there to pick him up. He fussed knowing that food would be given to him. He fell asleep in my arms just before nap time, knowing and trusting that he was safe, protected and cared for. I need to be more like Josiah most days....faith like a child is truly something that I lose sight of. I forget how good my heavenly Father is. I forget that chaos can hit at any moment for any one of us: storms and natural disasters, death of family members, loss of jobs, relocation of jobs, broken relationships, the destruction of our own personal and ongoing sin, a sudden illness, etc. We really aren't as in control as we think we are. 

This morning, I need to crawl into my heavenly Father's arms and just know I'm safe, cared for, loved and he has it all under control....and I need to make a call to the insurance company.

Babies Don't Come with Instruction Manuals

I am a researcher....I love information and collecting all I can about different subjects. I thrived in school; then as a teacher I have file BOXES on different subjects.

So, when I got pregnant, the research started again. I read pretty much cover-to-cover the What to Expect When You're Expecting book. For each baby item we purchased, I read all the reviews and then when we received it read all the instruction manuals (you practically have to with the car seat in order to figure out how to put your baby in it safely!). I spent HOURS online researching cloth diapers and even attended a two hour class! And I honestly don't feel like I went overboard with it all...I was just trying to do the best I could to figure out the best decisions in the myriad of things to do, choose from and prepare for.

Then this little bundle of joy came into our lives. Oh what a day, to hold my tiny, beautiful, squirmy, wide-eyed, dark-haired baby boy. Every day was filled with new things to be experienced, decisions to make, moments to cuddle and a new normal to adjust to. Then I began to encounter things that there was no instruction manual, website, expert,  or clear answers for.

Here is my list of things that I discovered there was no manual for:

1. How in the world do you dress your baby for cold weather?!
Ok...I'm from Minnesota. It's pretty simple to us Northern Folk. It's freezing cold, you add more layers. Function trumps fashion.
But with babies....you can't add big fluffy warm layers when you are going in the car seat. When Josiah was just two months old, we took him in the car to a place we would be back and forth from warm buildings and walking around outside. Do you dress up in a warm snow suit and then take it off every time you are inside or in the car? How complicated!! We ended up dressing him in a couple layers (a longsleeved onesie and a hoodie) and covered him in blankets in the car seat, put him in the baby carrier against my chest when we were outside and covered him with a blanket. But seriously, it was quite the process to figure out.

2. Where does baby sit in the restaurant?
The first few times we went out to eat, we placed the car seat in the booth or on the chair next to us. Each time the host asked us if we wanted a high chair. I politely refused each time but inside was thinking, are you crazy? Can't you see he's so tiny and can't even hold his head up?! How in the world will he sit in the high chair? Little did I know most restaurants have high chairs or slings that hold a car seat so they can sit next to the table.

3. Baby change tables in public places
I NEVER paid attention to those in the bathrooms before and now it's one of the first things I check for when we are out and about. One thing I've noticed....most places have them these days, but most public places keep their restrooms significantly cooler than the rest of the building. Have you ever tried to change the diaper of a little boy when it's really cold?! You really have to watch out for, um, well....spraying.

4. How to schedule your life around breastfeeding
Breastfeeding. *SIGH* I could write a novel just on that journey. The HARDEST thing I've had to do in quite a long time (and that's saying a lot considering I've lived in a war zone).  My post-partum emotions mostly erupted over breastfeeding issues. It's only been the last month or so when I feel we've gotten to a good place in breastfeeding. There is a lot of information on how to breastfeed. I worked with an incredible lactation consultant. But there was nothing to tell me HOW to schedule life around breastfeeding....when do I wake up to make sure myself and the little man are both fed, dressed and ready to go out the door and he isn't crying out of hunger 15 minutes later? How do I schedule feedings when I have a babysitter giving him a bottle and I get home intending to feed him and it's 10 minutes after he's eaten? What happens when you are standing in line for stamps at Christmastime at the post office for 45 minutes and the baby starts crying because he's hungry? When you are out running errands and in the middle of them the baby needs to be fed...what do you do? I've now discovered the backseat of my car and utilize it more than ever.

5. Taking baby to church
Where do you sit? In the back? Near the aisle? In the family room outside of the sanctuary? I never even knew we had a nursing mothers room in our church until Josiah came along. Although I've now discovered that it's quite the chit-chatty place and I don't get to listen to the sermon if I am not the only person in there. What age do you decide to put your kids in the nursery? We still haven't because for one Josiah is pretty quiet and doesn't fuss at all. We like having him with us. Also, it's cold and flu season, and we feel he's still pretty little to be in a big crowd of little-bitties with runny noses. Do we go to the early service (where we usually go and have lots of friends) but interrupt baby's morning nap, or the later service (we don't know anyone, it's packed and louder and more chaotic) after the baby naps?

6. Childcare when you don't live near family
We have lived in Colorado Springs for two years so thankfully we have a community of friends and connections here. However, we don't want to just take advantage of all those relationships for childcare. It's a delicate balance of expressing need and not being a burden to others. I am working from home part-time so for the most part, I am able to be here for Josiah. But, I do go into the office once a week, or we have things come up, or we need a date night. So, who do you call? How do you ask? And most of our friends available during the day also have little kids at home so you don't want to just add to the masses.

7. Shopping with baby
So, I know you should not put your baby's car seat on the top part of the shopping cart. So we tried putting him in his car seat in the basket part. However, this does NOT work for grocery shopping day when we have to fill the cart. I've tried taking the stroller/car seat in when we have smaller things but that is only when I am picking up one or two items. So I've also tried putting him in the baby carrier but then have to deal with the cold element (see #1) in transferring him to and from the carrier and the car seat and walking through the parking lot in the cold temperatures and snow falling. So far, the carrier is the best (but not perfect) option. 

There are many more in addition to this. And I'm realizing, each parent has to discover the way that is best for their family, and best for their baby. For some things, there is no RIGHT way, just what works best for you. And then just when you get it figured out, something new comes along. This is the joy of parenthood and I have realized, it keeps me dependent upon God to lead us as a family. It keeps me and my husband communicating to figure out what works best for us. And it makes for some good memory-creating moments as we make our way together.

Back in the blogging saddle again

It has been over two years since I've written on my blog.

Two years.

And it's not as though I haven't had anything to write about. I've only gotten married, moved, looked for and started new jobs, traveled, and oh yeah, had a baby. Nothing much going on.

In fact, that has been the "problem." There has been so much going on that it has taken all my concentration and focus and investment.

Also, it has been a huge transition, and not all of it easy. I find blogging allows a peek inside of people's lives and I have to admit, there have been many moments these last few years that I've just been struggling to figure it all out, have a balance, etc, that any outside (and especially unsolicited) advice or input would just be the cherry-on-top to overwhelm me.

But, now that I'm in this new season of motherhood, I'm finding I crave a bit of a creative outlet. In my day-in and day-out routine with my adorable baby boy, there are deep parts of my soul that are needing some investment. I believe that writing is a big part of that for me.

So, here we go again. I have even been dragging my feet because i had plans to revamp my blog visually, maybe even go with a different platform, rename it, get a new focus and spin on it. But alas, getting over that hurdle was keeping me from the very thing I wanted to be doing, just writing. So it's back to the old standby blog that has been patiently waiting for me out there in internet neverland. A place filled with many of my previous thoughts and experiences....collecting digital cobwebs and unseen by pretty much everyone. Well....Lazarus come forth! Let's breathe some life into you again and see where this takes us.

Next post....some things on my new mommy mind I've been dying to process.