dimes

I've been finding a lot of coins the last month or so. It makes me smile and almost cry every time. At the memorial service for James at his high school, his band teacher shared a story about when she noticed James' excitement whenever he found a penny on the ground. He would see it and exclaim, "whoa! A penny!" and every time he'd bend down and pick it up when others had passed by it either not noticing or thinking, "ah, it's just a penny." Well, his band teacher noticed this and started deliberately leaving coins on the ground, not just pennies but nickels or even dimes as well.

So, of course, that story and the love of my brother flows over me when I see coins on the ground and as I used to pass over the pennies, I now stop, smile and pick it up. A few weeks ago I found a stack of 3 dimes, neatly piled up at school. Another day I found two more dimes outside my house and just today I found a dime sitting on the ground outside the bookstore on campus. No pennies, just dimes. I know everyone has their various ideas about the nearness of people after they die but every time I find a dime I almost feel James standing in the distance, smiling as I pick up that dime. And so I return the smile, cuz the tears come so often that smiling seems more fitting in those circumstances.

November 1 is approaching too quickly. I can't believe that almost a whole year has passed without James. I can't believe that I will never hear him come inside, flop down on the couch and sigh and say, "so, yeah" and wait for him to share whatever is on his mind. I miss his crazy cowlicks in his hair. I miss him eating like a horse. I his newly deepened voice. I miss the short jokes from my "little" brother. I miss him like crazy.