Contemplation

This was the sunset outside my window this evening. It was absolutely stunning (and of course, much more beautiful in real life than in the picture) but I thought I'd post it cuz I'm a sucker for good sunsets.

Today in my Intercultural Communications class we were talking about intercultural conflict resolution and we watched a really powerful documentary on apartheid in South Africa and the process of the Truth and Reconciliation Commission with the trials of those requesting amnesty. I cried through most of the movie. It was a powerful example of the depravity of humankind and the great atrocities of which we are capable. Throughout the documentary it also talked about the power of sharing your story as person after person shared of the torture they experienced or afflicted on others during the apartheid rule.

Over the past few weeks I've also listened to some speaking about Rwanda, watched some of the Mideast peace talks on the news today and saw a movie and sat in on a discussion on Radical Islam and terrorism. I sit through all of these things and with the stories of many of my Afghan friends echoing in my mind and I can't help but think what a fallen world we live in. And it can be so easy to see the pendulum swing either way...either get hopeless and think nothing can be done until Jesus returns, or become radical activists shouting and screaming for a cause and maybe making change, maybe not. I think there definitely needs to be a balance of activism and complete and prayerful dependence on Jesus. We are not excused from caring for the poor, the oppressed and the needy but neither is it our sole responsibility to eradicate all the injustices of the world. But, ours is the ministry of reconciliation (2 Cor. 5:18-19) and ultimately reconciliation takes place through the cross of Jesus Christ. And oh how our world needs reconciliation. I have dear friends from Rwanda, from South Africa, from Kosovo, from Vietnam, from Somalia, from Afghanistan and Iraq, from Israel. These peoples' lives and stories are powerful testimonies to me of the grace and the love of God that rises above human atrocities and administers healing and the power of forgiveness. I hope that even by my times of asking and listening about others' stories, especially in Afghanistan, that I could be used as an instrument of reconciliation through Jesus Christ.

Coincidentally, I watched another documentary on apartheid this last weekend over the Thanksgiving break. It's called Amandla! A Revolution in Four-Part Harmony. It talks about the role of song in the fight for freedom. I definitely recommend it for those who are interested...and the music throughout is fantastic and moving. They share a lot of the meaning of the lyrics and how songs corresponded to the movements that were happening among the people.

So, I'm holding this all open before the Lord and letting Him speak to me. I always want to have a heart that is broken for the things that break God's heart and hands and feet willing to minister healing where God is reaching out to bring healing. There is always hope in the darkness and beauty truly does come from the ashes.

Happy Birthday James

Today would have been James' 17th birthday. And yet, here I sit at my computer, just an ordinary day. There will be no presents opened, no cake to eat, no annoyingly out of tune birthday song sung, no hugs, no jokes. There's just a big fat empty space today.

I was thinking about how different life has become without him. People talk about "moving on" after someone dies, but I think that is an inadequate statement. I don't believe you ever truly move on from a person you love, from caring about them, from grieving the loss of them, from remembering life with them. In reality life now without them isn't just a continuation of the old, it is completely different. There will never be the same old life to move on to. It's a whole new world that is minus someone very special. My family and I will never be the people we were before we lost James, that is a different era, a different life almost.

17! I was thinking how stressed out we'd be with trying to have a birthday party and a Thanksgiving meal planned together, as well as preparing for my mom's birthday next week. James might be looking forward to a band concert in the upcoming month. And I was realizing he might actually be preparing for life after high school. He was wanting to join the Navy. Who knows if he'd have changed his mind or still be set on it and going through the process of talking with a recruiter and making plans.

So, instead of big celebrations and loud parties, I will hold his memory close and miss him dearly.

Tea and a Teammate

Tea
This last week I had the privilege of spending some time with an Afghan refugee family that some people I got connected with tutor once a week. When the tutors found out I'd lived in Afghanistan and spoke the language (as best I can), they were ecstatic and immediately invited me along.

So, we showed up at their apartment and in Afghan style though I was not known by them they welcomed me in and ushered me to a seat. I was promptly served green tea with Cardamom in it (yummmmm....my favorite and I haven't had it for 5 months so I was pretty excited) and they put a tray of raisins, almonds and pistachios in front of me. They then proceeded to tell me which of the part of the tray had the fresh almonds and which had the old ones, in Dari, and not to the other English speaking guests. I was part of the in crowd!

We had so much fun chatting away and I brought pictures to share. As we looked at many of them from Mazar, they told me about making a trip there (they are from the central part of the country, a ways away from where I had lived) before their kids were born. They have an incredible story of fleeing during the Taliban times on foot over the mountains of Pakistan and being separated from each other for years. I am truly humbled by what many people in this country have had to face. I definitely don't take freedom and stability for granted any more!

It was a great connecting time and I hope to be able to continue to meet with them. It hinges on me getting a vehicle though because they are a little ways away from me. I am looking forward to continuing this new-found friendship. And they all offered to help me with Dari in exchange for help in English (which admittedly I'm in need of!)

Teammate
One of my teammates is in town visiting relatives and spending the weekend with me on her way back for a break. Today we went downtown and visited the art institute of Chicago. It was great...there's much to see, although I was a bit disappointed that the section of American art was closed so I didn't get to see the Edward Hopper paintings I was hoping to see. We had a great time. We then walked around downtown and as today was the big lighting ceremony for downtown there was lots of events going on. We stumbled across a K.T. Tunstall concert just as she was singing "Black Horse and a Cherry Tree." Walked by Armani, Tiffany's, etc. on the magnificent mile. It's a whole other world! I passed on the diamond earrings though, maybe I'll put them on my Christmas list. If someone could mention to my future-husband that he should start saving for those, that would be great. ha! yeah, they don't quite match with my wardrobe of fleece and jeans though, do they?!

Pictures from the memorial

James sat beside me in the car. The box contained his remaining ashes that we were putting at camp. The picture was his last school picture taken. It's probably my all-time favorite because he looks so handsome in it...like a young man!


We stopped to get cheetos on the way to camp. James' first time going to camp him and mom stopped at a gas station and she let him get whatever he wanted as a treat. He chose cheetos and by the time he arrived at camp he was orange head to toe!


We chose the spot to plant the apple tree and Jeremy and William (my other two handsome brothers) started digging.


Grandpa and Mike put the tree in the ground.



The hard part...we put James' remaining ashes in with the tree. I thought it was a powerful symbol of beauty truly coming from the ashes. Isaiah 61:1ff. says, "He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted...to comfort all who mourn, and provide for those who grieve in Zion--to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the Lord for the display of his splendor." How fitting. How beautiful that life does rise out of the ashes. And how beautiful to plant this tree that will be a representation of physical life in a place where all of us kids have come in touch with eternal life. James' life was truly a planting of the Lord, a display of his splendor.


We paused for a moment of prayer, thanking God for the gift of nearly 16 years with James.


James' apple tree. The pine tree in the background was actually planted at camp in memory of Steve Sommerfeld, who died in a rock climbing accident.


The only logical place to put this tree was in a spot overlooking the lake. James would spend any moment he possibly could in the lake between swimming and boating classes. He loved to play pirates on the boats and I swear he had gills he loved the water so much!


All of us in front of James' tree.


Just spending some good family bonding time together. Our family has truly come to appreciate our times together as we know all too well that those moments are precious and numbered. I'm so thankful for my amazing family!


And our time remembering James would not be complete without a bacon cheeseburger! They were his favorites...especially the one pound burgers (mine was only 1/3 pound and that was enough for me!)

In Memory of James, 1 year

One year ago today I was standing in an apartment of some girls I had known barely a week in Tajikistan and I had a phone conversation that changed my life forever. I can still here my grandfather's voice telling me, "There's been an accident, and your brother James is no longer with us." I yelled "NO!!!" and dropped to my knees and sobbed as a pain descended on my heart that still has yet to be completely gone. I never want to relive that day and yet the memory is so clear, I fear it will always be with me.

Today we had a "celebration service" of James' nearly 16 year life with us. We drove out to Covenant Park Bible Camp which is steeped in memories from all 4 of us kids as we all have spent a significant amount of our summers out there. And we planted an apple tree near the gazebo overlooking the lake. We also put his remaining ashes in with the tree as a symbol of his death sprouting a new life. It was a beautiful day and a great way to remember him today. Tears were shed. The hard thing is I just MISS him so much. That's what hurts the most. Not the death. Not the memories. But just the big empty space that is always there. It hurts to experience but at the same time, that space means that he was loved so very, very much.

We were laughing at many great James stories. From his first trip out to camp when mom stopped and let him pick out a treat on his way. He chose cheetos and was orange head to toe when he arrive at camp (we bought cheetos on the way to camp to celebrate that!). Or the time he came back convinced that midget whales existed in an underground cave system in the lake at camp. Or the summer I worked out there and he was a camper and every time I turned around he was there saying "hi" and then heading off to the next thing. Or the skit his cabin did about me and asking Santa for a boyfriend. Santa brought the man who would be my perfect boyfriend and they dressed up my brother as my perfect boyfriend. Weird, yes, but it makes me smile still. The current director was there reminding us of how excited he was his last summer out there talking about coming back and being on staff and looking forward to it so much. Ah....he had so much life in him.

We then finished the day with bacon cheeseburgers...his favorite. And the bigger the better!

And to top it all off....I found a dime on the airport floor in front of my gate, a penny on the floor in the guestroom at my grandparents and a penny out at camp! It made me smile and remember that even though James is physically gone, he will never cease to be a part of our lives and this family.

I'll post some pictures of our time tomorrow.