Today would have been James' 17th birthday. And yet, here I sit at my computer, just an ordinary day. There will be no presents opened, no cake to eat, no annoyingly out of tune birthday song sung, no hugs, no jokes. There's just a big fat empty space today.
I was thinking about how different life has become without him. People talk about "moving on" after someone dies, but I think that is an inadequate statement. I don't believe you ever truly move on from a person you love, from caring about them, from grieving the loss of them, from remembering life with them. In reality life now without them isn't just a continuation of the old, it is completely different. There will never be the same old life to move on to. It's a whole new world that is minus someone very special. My family and I will never be the people we were before we lost James, that is a different era, a different life almost.
17! I was thinking how stressed out we'd be with trying to have a birthday party and a Thanksgiving meal planned together, as well as preparing for my mom's birthday next week. James might be looking forward to a band concert in the upcoming month. And I was realizing he might actually be preparing for life after high school. He was wanting to join the Navy. Who knows if he'd have changed his mind or still be set on it and going through the process of talking with a recruiter and making plans.
So, instead of big celebrations and loud parties, I will hold his memory close and miss him dearly.
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