One year ago today I was standing in an apartment of some girls I had known barely a week in Tajikistan and I had a phone conversation that changed my life forever. I can still here my grandfather's voice telling me, "There's been an accident, and your brother James is no longer with us." I yelled "NO!!!" and dropped to my knees and sobbed as a pain descended on my heart that still has yet to be completely gone. I never want to relive that day and yet the memory is so clear, I fear it will always be with me.
Today we had a "celebration service" of James' nearly 16 year life with us. We drove out to Covenant Park Bible Camp which is steeped in memories from all 4 of us kids as we all have spent a significant amount of our summers out there. And we planted an apple tree near the gazebo overlooking the lake. We also put his remaining ashes in with the tree as a symbol of his death sprouting a new life. It was a beautiful day and a great way to remember him today. Tears were shed. The hard thing is I just MISS him so much. That's what hurts the most. Not the death. Not the memories. But just the big empty space that is always there. It hurts to experience but at the same time, that space means that he was loved so very, very much.
We were laughing at many great James stories. From his first trip out to camp when mom stopped and let him pick out a treat on his way. He chose cheetos and was orange head to toe when he arrive at camp (we bought cheetos on the way to camp to celebrate that!). Or the time he came back convinced that midget whales existed in an underground cave system in the lake at camp. Or the summer I worked out there and he was a camper and every time I turned around he was there saying "hi" and then heading off to the next thing. Or the skit his cabin did about me and asking Santa for a boyfriend. Santa brought the man who would be my perfect boyfriend and they dressed up my brother as my perfect boyfriend. Weird, yes, but it makes me smile still. The current director was there reminding us of how excited he was his last summer out there talking about coming back and being on staff and looking forward to it so much. Ah....he had so much life in him.
We then finished the day with bacon cheeseburgers...his favorite. And the bigger the better!
And to top it all off....I found a dime on the airport floor in front of my gate, a penny on the floor in the guestroom at my grandparents and a penny out at camp! It made me smile and remember that even though James is physically gone, he will never cease to be a part of our lives and this family.
I'll post some pictures of our time tomorrow.
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