Confessions of an over-achiever

Anyone who knows me knows I'm pretty driven and can be pretty busy, all the time. I spent this weekend taking some deliberate down-time. I haven't been feeling the best the last few days and decided I would just spend the weekend not doing a lot of anything. For some that is sheer bliss, for me it can be really difficult. I'm finding that sometimes when I get a big gap of free time I either 1. try to fill it as quickly as I can or 2. get really down on myself that I don't have people pounding my door down to hang out or 3. feel guilty because maybe I should be doing something like praying for the next 3 hours. The object of all of them is putting my identity in something I do or the people I know. Not good.

God's been speaking to me a lot about my identity during my time here at Wheaton. I like being in class with other people who are just like me...involved in missions, doing crazy things for God, and some of them have been doing this for a lot longer and a lot better than I have. I've needed the humble perspective I've been handed during this season. I'm not a rockstar, I'm not some "holier than thou" missionary in a hard place (it's a weird position to grapple with when I return to speak or meet with people. They feel intimidated or say things like "you're such a hero" or "I could never do what you're doing" when these things are meant to encourage, often they puff me up if I am not careful and allow my identity to be defined by God's opinion of me, which he sees how weak I am, my failures and victories...which I can usually attribute the failures to myself and the victories to him. Yeah...a bit of a rabbit trail and a bit of exposing my humanity).

I read through my journal from this last year on Friday. I was struck by how many times I was lamenting how tired I was, especially before I came back to the USA. I wrote over and over, "I just wish I had some time to spend with me and the Lord without any interruptions" and now I'm here at Wheaton, no job, no car, no responsibilities outside of my school work and less relational and leadership obligations, there are only interruptions if I allow them. This is a gift that has been handed to me. And I don't want to overlook it or not take full advantage of it.

So, I've been having great times with the Lord. I am not going through a structured study because I usually get caught up in the "gotta get this done" mentality, but just taking chunks of time where I just focus on the Lord. Sometimes it involves a journal, sometimes I do something creative, sometimes I listen to music, sometimes I go for a walk, but often I'm finding myself just sitting in the quiet and soaking it all in. I've been praying that my passion for God and my intimacy with him would be the defining feature of my life this year. I want to go deeper than I've ever been with him, and that doesn't come through passivity nor does it come through hyper-activism FOR God. It comes out of being WITH God. So, pray for me. Pray as I pray that God would increase his passion in my life. That I'd go to deeper places with him, that I'd open up areas of my heart I've been reluctant to let him in to, that I'd radically pursue him. And this will be my prayer for you dear friends, for I can think of nothing greater in our lives than a deep relationship with our Savior and King.

Knitting update

So, I realized that I never posted pictures of the "secret project" I referenced in an earlier post. So, here are the revealing pictures of my first attempt at lace knitting for my mother's Christmas gift:

This is the finished product as it is drying after being blocked. It took FOREVER to block it. This was also my first experience with blocking lace. It's tricky because it's so pliable. I used Feza Kid Mohair Yarn color #202 which was a varigated orange. I was initially skeptical about the pattern and the varigated coloring but it was subtle enough not to be too busy. I also loved all the colors so much because they really reflected my mom's love for the color orange.


The edges turned out beautiful and delicate looking. On each end the color worked such that the edge was all one color and different from the knitting to that point. This end the edging was the darkest orange and the other end finished with the lightest orange. I was ecstatic about that because you really can't plan those things...and the fact that it happened TWICE! very cool.



And here's my mom, the lovely model. So, this can be used as a scarf or a shawl or whatever she chooses. It's totally impractical for winter (although the mohair is surprisingly warm even though it's lace) but it turned out beautifully. Thanks again to Knitty for a great pattern!

For baby

So, over Christmas break on a day when I was feeling like I had a lot of time on my hands to try to be productive with, I made a trip to Hobby Lobby (ALWAYS dangerous for me!) and bought a pile of yarn and came home armed with ideas and ambition to make a few baby blankets for a number of my friends expecting this spring. Well, I finished my first one and it turned out really, really good. I just learned to crochet before I left for Afghanistan (and I crocheted an ungodly amount of snowflakes in my free time in the evenings, so it was a worthwhile skill to learn. We hung them all up our first Christmas there and I gave a bunch to my language teacher as a gift) and as usual, I like to undertake projects with a little bit of a challenge. This blanket wasn't so much of a challenge this time as it was fun. It was my first crochet project with more than one color. I also learned how to crochet stars. The whole thing took about a month in my spare time (which greatly decreased once school started!). I gave this to Bill and Jaemey Bush today who are leading my small group and are expecting their first child this coming month.