It's been a bit of a tough week for me. Not because tragic circumstances happened but mostly because the plans that I have been forming, praying over and hoping in where suddenly sidelined and my expectations of a few things had to be laid down.
I was frustrated. I was a bit panicked....mostly because one decision I make is usually connected and affected by about 20 others. My life revolves around visas and deadlines. Truth be told at this moment, I don't know which country my feet will be standing in come February of next year. That is an unsettling feeling, Right? I don't know how many people who read this blog live a lifestyle like that, but just by reading it in black and white, it makes me a bit dizzy, and even though being transient has become "normal" for me.
So, here I am. I am one who is supposed to teach and disciple people in the ways of God. I am to be a speaker and example of application of truth. And sometimes, life happens. Things change. Hard stuff comes. And in the quiet place between me and God in my heart I say to him "God, I don't like this. I am scared. I don't know what to do. I feel alone. I feel a little lost. Hold me."
......but process these thoughts out loud, and you know how it goes. I find myself as I say these things, trying to add a nice statement at the end to reassure people I haven't lost my faith, I believe the bible is true, and that I trust God is who he says he is. It's almost like it's not a thought worth speaking out unless it leads to that conclusion.....
i.e. I've had a really hard day, but God is faithful. I know he'll get me through this.
i.e. I don't know how things will work out but God is sovereign. I can trust him.
i.e. This is so painful, but.........
Now before the entire Christian population rises up and tells me "but it's true and we need to hear truth in these times" let me say.....YES, I don't believe these things are not true. I trust a sovereign God. This is why when life gets jumbled, I spend three hours in my room, in prayer, crying out to HIM and not sobbing on anyone's shoulders I can find.
But what is it in us, that feels uncomfortable or can't allow raw and honest emotions to be expressed, even if they aren't "pretty"? What if we just need to say "this sucks" or EVEN "this is sh**ty"? The more I read the Bible, the more rawness I see. Though many of the lament Psalms end with a praise to a sovereign God, they usually don't end with "but my emotions are all okay now." David still wants vengeance on those who hurt him. Job still wishes he had never been born, same with Jeremiah. Jeremiah tells God that there is not enough liquid in him for him to be able to weep the way he wants. Paul still walks around with a thorn in his flesh even though he has a promise of grace. Our savior still cries out that he is forsaken on the cross as he died in agony; he asked for the cup to be taken from him even knowing the will of the father and being committed to give his own life.
So, how do we respond to others when we are having a hard time or when they are walking through a difficult season? Do we throw "right theology" on them until they feel better? Do we hide behind the protection of God's sovereignty and pretend that we're not freaked out at the unknown a little bit? I think we Christians need to express honesty to one another and not feel the need to "tweak" ourselves. I'm not saying we just speak out unedited thoughts all the time, but I hope we have friends that we can be raw and truthful and will sit beside us, in all our mess, give us a hug, and offer it up to the throne of God without judgment or fear. God is big enough. He knows our doubts even as Christian cliches bounce off our tongues. He knows whether we speak those things in faith or insecurity. God is the one who changes our hearts. And our emotions are legitimately valid. They are important to God. Jeremiah tells the people to "pour out their hearts like water before the presence of the Lord." He wept for 40+ years before the Lord and we can feel free to do the same.
I was frustrated. I was a bit panicked....mostly because one decision I make is usually connected and affected by about 20 others. My life revolves around visas and deadlines. Truth be told at this moment, I don't know which country my feet will be standing in come February of next year. That is an unsettling feeling, Right? I don't know how many people who read this blog live a lifestyle like that, but just by reading it in black and white, it makes me a bit dizzy, and even though being transient has become "normal" for me.
So, here I am. I am one who is supposed to teach and disciple people in the ways of God. I am to be a speaker and example of application of truth. And sometimes, life happens. Things change. Hard stuff comes. And in the quiet place between me and God in my heart I say to him "God, I don't like this. I am scared. I don't know what to do. I feel alone. I feel a little lost. Hold me."
......but process these thoughts out loud, and you know how it goes. I find myself as I say these things, trying to add a nice statement at the end to reassure people I haven't lost my faith, I believe the bible is true, and that I trust God is who he says he is. It's almost like it's not a thought worth speaking out unless it leads to that conclusion.....
i.e. I've had a really hard day, but God is faithful. I know he'll get me through this.
i.e. I don't know how things will work out but God is sovereign. I can trust him.
i.e. This is so painful, but.........
Now before the entire Christian population rises up and tells me "but it's true and we need to hear truth in these times" let me say.....YES, I don't believe these things are not true. I trust a sovereign God. This is why when life gets jumbled, I spend three hours in my room, in prayer, crying out to HIM and not sobbing on anyone's shoulders I can find.
But what is it in us, that feels uncomfortable or can't allow raw and honest emotions to be expressed, even if they aren't "pretty"? What if we just need to say "this sucks" or EVEN "this is sh**ty"? The more I read the Bible, the more rawness I see. Though many of the lament Psalms end with a praise to a sovereign God, they usually don't end with "but my emotions are all okay now." David still wants vengeance on those who hurt him. Job still wishes he had never been born, same with Jeremiah. Jeremiah tells God that there is not enough liquid in him for him to be able to weep the way he wants. Paul still walks around with a thorn in his flesh even though he has a promise of grace. Our savior still cries out that he is forsaken on the cross as he died in agony; he asked for the cup to be taken from him even knowing the will of the father and being committed to give his own life.
So, how do we respond to others when we are having a hard time or when they are walking through a difficult season? Do we throw "right theology" on them until they feel better? Do we hide behind the protection of God's sovereignty and pretend that we're not freaked out at the unknown a little bit? I think we Christians need to express honesty to one another and not feel the need to "tweak" ourselves. I'm not saying we just speak out unedited thoughts all the time, but I hope we have friends that we can be raw and truthful and will sit beside us, in all our mess, give us a hug, and offer it up to the throne of God without judgment or fear. God is big enough. He knows our doubts even as Christian cliches bounce off our tongues. He knows whether we speak those things in faith or insecurity. God is the one who changes our hearts. And our emotions are legitimately valid. They are important to God. Jeremiah tells the people to "pour out their hearts like water before the presence of the Lord." He wept for 40+ years before the Lord and we can feel free to do the same.
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