So, today would have been Jimmy's 16th birthday. All he could talk about for his birthday was going to a local hamburger joint and feasting on their 1 lb hamburgers! So, our family all headed out to eat hamburgers to remember Jimmy (as if we can forget!! I always think that's a funny phrase...we are gathered here to remember...It's almost all I think about! Maybe "honoring Jimmy" would be the correct phrase. kay, enough rambling.)
I hesitated even writing a new blog because I loved it that when I opened my blog the first thing I saw was his picture. So, if you haven't yet read it, scroll a bit down and read my "what's in a life" blog-a tribute to my brother James.
Tomorrow my dad and I set off for a cruise that we had planned throughout this last year. It seems so out of context for me to be setting off, and I feel almost reluctant to get on that plane. I've been told by countless people that it will be good for me and I should go so I'm just trusting them (and it's non-transferrable, non-refundable so if I don't go, no one goes.) I'm still a bit numb and overwhelmed that all the last few weeks has held. It seems so snobby to feel unappreciative of a fabulous cruise in the mediterranean, but I think it's not so much snobbiness as perspective. People spend everything trying to get to places like I've seen often running over their family or cutting out time with people to work more. I guess I've just been dealt a mighty load of perspective, and I know that all the trips in the world and all the stamps in your passport mean nothing compared to the people that God puts in your life be it blood relatives or good friends or even people you can't really stand. All of them were created by Him and are filled with the beauty of God. How many times do we blow by and mistreat the most precious treasures in our lives?
I visited my dear friend Kendall and his wife Andi in the hospital this weekend. Kendall has been battling cancer and just recently went through surgery and is now on a ventilator and walking through some intense "perspective-giving" times as well. (you can check out his story and status at: www.caringbridge.org/visit/kendallkoens). I left just with a great realization of how fragile life is and how flippantly I sometimes treat it. And it's often when it's taken away or drastically changed that we realize those things. Too bad it has to be that way.
Sorry this post is a bit melancholy but I'm pretty sure if you're reading this you can understand why. Every day I wake up and I ask God, is this the day when the pain will get less? I am tired of being so sad but know that it's part of the grieving and healing process. Someone asked if I was mad at God, and honestly I'm not. I'm confused. I, of course, have asked the "why" questions knowing that I probably wouldn't get any answers. I'm frustrated at the seeming injustice of it all, but I know without a doubt that God is standing with his arm around Jimmy waiting to welcome the rest of us home when it's our time. And I know that until that time, I walk daily in the care and the presence of a God who loves, who feels what I feel, and carries me when I don't have the strength for even another step. You can't be mad at a God like that.
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