Home.....!?

I've had a few people say to me recently "I bet it's so exciting to be going home after being gone so long"....the assumption being that I haven't been home for nearly eleven years now.

Where is home?

We know the old adage:
"Home is where your heart is"

......where is that exactly? My heart is in hundreds of pieces, scattered across the globe.

Afghanistan is home then. It's familiar Persian tones in extended greetings that make me feel like I've been embraced by something deep. The smell of cumin and coriander can send me into a spin of memories of dinners, huddled around the floor, scooping handfuls of rice into my mouth and sharing my life with people who have forever written themselves on my soul. Home is that place and that moment when you look in someone's eyes as they ask you a question about life and death, eternity, God, and you know what you say in response is the biggest gift you could ever offer them. My heart is all over that.

Taiwan is home. The bustling crowds and the faces of friends in the crowd who have lavished their generosity to welcome me. The students who open their homes and their lives and their hearts for this "big-nosed foreigner." Those moments when I get asked, why is it you are here and knowing I have a story that is only authored by our Creator and Redeemer in response to that question. Oh, my heart is there.

My heart is in the countless friends who have journeyed life with me whether for a short time or long, whether they have dropped in on my life and left or whether I am merely the one that finds them and visits for a short time before heading off to the next place. My heart is there. Home is scattered across the globe.

My heart is with Y....the values of this organization have become ones of my own life. I have been forever imprinted with walking out a faith in God that is not merely religion, rules, principles or guidelines. But have been trained and led and embraced a living breathing relationship with my God where he shares his heart with me and I share mine with him in a response of worship. He used this group all over the world, in all its strengths and weakness to show me what it is to be a disciple of Jesus, day-to-day, anywhere in the world he takes me.

My heart is in the tender embrace of the man to whom I will soon say "I do." My heart is waiting at the most stable, secure, comfortable and loved place, with a man who pursued and opened his heart to me and is willing to walk this crazy adventure of life with me until death do us part. My heart is waiting in India to come be with me and create home wherever our God may lead our feet.

Most of all, my heart rests with my God, anticipating in hope the fullness of eternity with him. My heart does not rest on earthly treasures no matter how much I anticipate shopping in America or gathering things to make a physical location a place to call home. My heart is at peace and rests in the culture of the Kingdom of God, and yet merely enjoys the new experiences of the cultures around the world.

I have no idea anymore where home is. I had no idea that as a kid, the place I thought was home would become something foreign, strange, even difficult sometimes to squeeze myself back into. My home doesn't have walls, that's for sure. It doesn't have a limit to how many people can fit inside. It doesn't have any storage for valuables or possessions.

But I have become a sojourner, and a sojourner I can see myself as until I am at home in eternity.

And honestly, I've needed this perspective and understanding as I head back to the place that once embodied the word "home" for me. But I have mixed emotions about it all. I'm excited. I'm nervous. I know I don't "fit" but I also know it's a part of who I am.

I was realizing yesterday that when I left "home" to begin this journey of nearly eleven years making my home all over the world, lots has changed. When I left home gas was $2.05 a gallon (I have no idea why I remember that) and people were freaking out. When I left, Facebook and Twitter didn't even exist yet. When I left, Saddam Hussein and Osama Bin Laden were still alive. When I left, the ipod had only been released for one year and I purchased one thinking it was bit of an extravagant purchase heading into missions but it would help my packing process as I wouldn't have to take my whole CD collection. When I left you could still take two pieces of luggage weighing 70lbs apiece overseas, for free! When I left the economy all over the world was doing well. When I left I had a collection of small experiences and big dreams. When I left I was full of my self, my culture and my own understandings of the world. I hope I'm returning a little more "empty-handed"...a little less of me, a little less of my ethnocentrism, a little less of my understandings and expectations.

I step into the unknown this weekend, getting on a plane and traveling lots of miles, but really making the biggest journey from 11 years in a particular way of life and beginning a new life. Hopefully full of adventure and learning experiences and new friendships. And of course full of love and all that comes with the journey of knitting your life together in marriage with another person. And I know there are more adventures with God to come. I know though this chapter is closing in some way, there is a new one to begin and many, many more that will be written.

Immobilized by change

I don't quite know all the reasons why, but I'm feeling a lot like this little turtle lately. My life is in the process of turning upside down. In three weeks I leave Taiwan. I move from Asia, which I have called home for nearly the past eight years, and I move back to the United States. I leave the community and friendships and daily life that I've grown accustomed to. I leave my church. I leave my favorite tea shops. I leave the interaction and the buzz of constant life around me in this bustling city.

I return to a place where I have no home to call my own. I have no car. I have no job. I have a few boxes of possessions. I have my family to welcome me back. And I have friends I haven't seen in years who are now scattered all across the country doing their thing, living their lives. It's a place I am not quite sure how I will fit back in to. And I've changed. My way of living is different from most Americans. I feel a lot like a foreigner when I come to a place I'm supposed to call "home."

And the biggest change of all....I am planning a wedding and preparing for marriage. My fiance and I are knitting our hearts and our lives together across the miles and planning to weave them together in the years to come.

I normally am a woman who embraces change with arms wide open. I initiate change. I change things that are good because I get bored with them. I rearrange my room just for fun. I cut my hair. I take a different route. I mix up my routine to keep from getting in a rut.

But for some reason, I've been in this season of wanting to preserve everything exactly as it is. I don't want to start packing or giving stuff away because it means change is that much closer. I find myself retreating from people because I can't bear to say goodbye or talk about the fact that I will not be seeing them every day in three short weeks. I have stopped journaling and I just want to sit and soak in each moment, savoring it.....and yet holding it with a vice grip so that it will not slip away.

change. Sigh. It's coming. And it's coming like a freight train. This is a bittersweet change. I'm so excited for what's ahead. And yet it's sad to leave things that are so good behind.

It makes me realize what a beautiful truth it is when it says Jesus Christ is the same yesterday, today and forever (Hebrews 13:8). There is something in my life that is so consistent, so trustworthy, constant, true and stable. Something I can stand on no matter where I'm at and what I'm going through. I anchor myself in Christ today. And when I'm standing firmly in that relationship, well, I guess I move forward with him into the unknown and face the adventure that lies ahead. 

New Years Around the World

Historically, I've had some great New Years.
God has blessed me to experience some incredible things in places all over the world.

In Afghanistan, I got to celebrate Persian New Year (Nao Roz). It happens on March 21 every year.

On the New Year in the courtyard of this mosque/shrine they raise a flagpole. It is said that the way the pole goes up will be indicative of the year to come...if they raise it with difficulty, the year will be difficult. If it goes up easily then the year will be a prosperous, good year. People gather by the thousands here because they also believe that God will grant healing to those that come on this day and visit the pole. In Perisan New Year, there is hope and an expectancy towards God. 

I have celebrated Chinese New Year in Taiwan the last three years. It happens according to the lunar calendar but usually falls the end of January/early February (one year it was even on my birthday!)

Last year my friend April (far Right in the photo above) invited me over to her family's home for Chinese New Year. Before we came over their family had offered the food to their ancestors and had done worship to receive blessings in the new year. We had dinner with them and enjoyed the fellowship with the family. The soup on the hot plate in the photo, translated into English has a meaning of "buddha jumps out of the wall" meaning Buddha would come from his position to eat this soup it is so good....and it was tasty. Another tradition is the giving of red envelopes with money in them. 

This year I got to experience Korean New Year visiting my friend and her family in Seoul, South Korea. They celebrate the new year on January 1 (though Korea also celebrates the Chinese New Year as well). 

For Koreans they consider you a year old when you are born, counting conception to birth as your first year of life. Then when the New Year comes, everyone turns a year older together. So, if you ever ask a Korean their age, you will see them hesitate figuring if they should give you their Korean age, or the age according to the system most of the rest of the world counts. But on New Years day there is a soup that you eat that after you eat it you are considered a year older then. This year I got to eat of that soup (so I officially reached my Korean age of 34!....I might stick with 32 for another month!) and I learned a traditional Korean game (pictured above) with my friend and her family. 

Another tradition I got to experience is when the generations of the family gather together, the younger generation kneels/bows to the older one in respect and then the older generation speaks blessings over the younger generation, and gives them an envelope of money. I thought it was a very meaningful tradition. 

Looking forward to 2013!

So as the year begins, I can't help but have excitement in my heart. I love new things, new experiences, new phases of life. This year is definitely a transitional one for me as I say goodbye to the wonderful nation of Taiwan and the incredible YWAM community I've gotten to be a part of here (in May...not quite yet). I'll be heading back to the USA for a season with my sights set on transitioning to India to work with Afghan refugees in the near future. 

And there are some great things ahead this year. There is more to share, but that will come at a later date. :) 

But one thing I can say is that I have lived a blessed life and can't believe all the places God has taken me and all the incredible people he has allowed to become part of my life. This girl from a small town in Minnesota truly has the world in her heart. I never would have imagined it was possible. I can't complain one bit about my life. God has been so good and he will continue to be good. 

I pray your transition into 2013 is also filled with gratefulness....even if it is filled with difficulty, pain, uncertainty. Remember, God is in it all and he grants us our seasons to draw us to him and to show us his glory in ways we may not have otherwise understood. 

Happy 2013!!!

Don Gillman

Last weekend, Don Gillman, the man pictured above went to be with Jesus. He was traveling and teaching internationally and stopped over in San Francisco to visit his mother. He went out for a run as he does so often and on that run suffered a heart attack and ran straight into the arms of Jesus.

I found this gem of a photo as I've been processing and grieving the sudden death of a man that has literally impacted the lives of thousands of people all over the world. He truly was someone that I have leaned on for wisdom and insight. When I came to Taiwan three years ago, so many had told me "it's so great you get to be under Don's leadership" and three years later, I can testify to that it truly has been great.

Don was a leader that didn't lead by position and power but from passion and a heart that loved, loved, loved Jesus and recognized that everything in his life was solely by the power of Christ to transform a life. He was a gifted teacher that could bring the scriptures to life and cause you to take seriously the challenge live out what they teach. I have been so blessed to sit under his teaching in my own SBS (School of Biblical Studies) as well as in base meetings, other teachings, question and answer sessions, staff development times, and just impromptu casual conversations. Don was a gifted storyteller and could take anything that happened to him or anyone else and transform it into something that was a powerful lesson to learn, a funny anecdote that had us all rolling in laughter. So many of his stories will forever live on in my memory.

One particular gift I walked away with from my time with Don was one particular meeting I had with him about a year after I had moved to Taiwan from Central Asia. I had arrived in Taiwan as a weary worker, full of questions and just needing to rest. After some physical and spiritual rest I sought out Don to dialogue with him, one frontier worker to the other. I remember in that meeting I voiced some ugly things in my heart, asked some tough questions about missions I hadn't realized I even needed to verbalize, and Don sat listening and offering wisdom and spoke to me not as one speaks to a child but as an equal. He gave value to me as an individual, heard my questions and offered answers that I will treasure as I continue to serve the Lord on the frontiers. As others have stated about him, Don was a man that could impact your life with one conversation. I'm thankful for not only this one conversation but many as I have been blessed to work with him in Taiwan.

I've been so privileged to "run the race" alongside a man of God like Don. He has set the pace for so many others. His exit from this earth has been so shocking for all of us, but one thought I've been having since Don left is that he is a man who had a reason for living his life 100% committed to the Lord. As I spent this last week doing some of what Don has done for so many years: teaching, challenging young people to keep running the race for Jesus in the cause of world missions, it has inspired me to keep committed in my own race. Like a friend who comes along during a long-distance race and cheers you on and keeps pace with you, I feel Don's example in the way he lived his life is cheering me on to keep putting one foot in front of the other towards the finish line.

Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God. 

Hebrews 12:1-2

The soul of the sluggard craves and gets nothing, 

while the soul of the diligent is richly supplied. 

Proverbs 13:4

I'm a child of the midwest, USA. Good work ethic is something that was taught, modeled, and woven into the fabric of my value system. I've always known that something worth having is something worth working hard for.... and this goes into all areas of life: relationships, money, accomplishments, etc. 

But (and now I'm gonna pick on my generation a bit) in working with young people and interacting with all types of people from all over the globe, we are becoming more and more affected by our "instant" society. I feel that we have made a shift to losing patience if we can't get what we want or accomplish something right away. 

When I moved to my last location overseas, my thinking was "I have to get this done RIGHT AWAY because time is running short. And God is in it so he will bless it and make things happen." I was frustrated and disillusioned and questioned the strength of my faith when things didn't happen as fast as I wanted them to. I find that my thinking is different at this stage in the game (granted, I'm not THAT much more mature, maybe just a bit more experienced and sobered by reality) but I'm much more willing to wait and realizing, I need to put in a bit of work. 

"Language learning is so hard! I just keep asking God to give me the gift of tongues so I can speak fluently." This was a conversation I've heard more than once from more than one person. Putting in the work seems like a waste of time to get where we want. 

"Things in ministry are going so slow. The people I'm discipling just don't seem to get it." 

"I really want to know the Bible more but I don't have time to study it like you've gotten to." It's as though our generation has equated things not happening right away to failure (in themselves, others or God) or to it not being worth it because they are not getting results instantly. 

One thing the Bible shows me and one thing working in discipleship has opened my eyes more to is that the journey is often more important than the destination. Time and time again, God circles the same issues with the same people, patiently waiting while they make the same mistakes again and again. He's in no rush. Discipleship takes time; it's messy and it's a lot of work to walk with people through their stuff. Language learning takes time, effort, bad days and good days, but along the way you make discoveries and you value the language in ways you never would if you could suddenly just know all the right words to say. The relationships that require the long talks, the effort and the work are usually the ones we value the most and would be the most painful to lose. 

Those people in life who have had to fight and work for where they are often seem to value it so much more than those who have just been handed it (not always, but generally). I think hard work and not getting things instantaneously is actually a gift from God. We are so quick to not appreciate and I believe it's a beautiful thing to value the things in life that are good....relationships, accomplishing things like finishing school or learning a language or becoming skilled for a job, knowing the word of God more deeply because you've invested time in it, building up a ministry or seeing a friend you've been praying for come to a deeper place with God. 

Just because it's easy, doesn't mean it's better. In some ways I think it's the other way around. So my encouragement to those of you who may be in the middle of a painfully slow and hard journey that is taking a lot of effort, hang in there. Thank God for the work because it's opening your heart to appreciation. You are getting the gift of truly valuing the things in your life. And don't give up because you're probably in the middle of something that is more of a blessing than the burden of the effort it's taking you to move forward. Your soul is being richly supplied. 

the screaming demon dog

This is not the dog in question, but is just one of the many dogs here in Taiwan
that are treasured and pampered by the Taiwanese

Taiwanese LOVE their dogs. I thought America was a dog-owners paradise, but Taiwan has got it beat hands-down. Dogs here often don't get walked, they get carried....in arms, in bags, and sometimes in strollers. If you see someone pushing a stroller down the street, it's not guaranteed there is a child inside. I've seen dogs, cats, even rabbits.

Dogs here in Taiwan wear clothes, bows and get their fur shaved all kinds of funky ways when the hot weather hits. My favorite is when they shave the golden retrievers leaving only the fur around the head and the tip of the tail so they look like mini lions.

Dogs are allowed in restaurants and in the train if they are in carriers. One coffee shop nearby the owner's dog regularly sits on one of the tables (I never drink my coffee at that table!). I've even seen dog owners wipe their dogs with toilet paper after they have a nice poo. It is a dog's paradise here. And people love to own the cute little tiny dogs. Other popular ones are golden retrievers and huskies (poor guys! living on a tropical island!)

Because there are so many people in such a tiny space, our neighborhood is packed full of dogs in peoples' apartments. You often hear them barking at night and it's gotten to be just background noise to me now, almost so that I hardly notice it. It blends in with the sounds of traffic, motos, the constant buzz of the Chinese language, the melody of the garbage trucks and the sound of the man driving around selling stinky tofu.

BUT, one of our neighbors got a new dog a few days ago that doesn't just bark, it scream-barks. And I'm pretty sure the owners are never home, so the dog is free to scream-bark all day and alllllll.night.long. Oh my goodness.

I'm not an angry person. I have lived in so many cultures and so many different places that I can deal with a lot of things as they come. But this dog is a constant "anger button" pusher. Last night I closed my window, turned on the fan, put ear plugs in and still the scream-barking echoed through my brain. My roommates and I all emerged this morning from our rooms, bleary-eyed and immediately started venting about our corporately horrible nights' sleep due to the demon-dog down the street.

And here's the fun part about cross-cultural living. In America, I march myself over and tell my neighbors quite directly that if they can't control the noise of their demon-dog, I'm going to have to call the cops. I tell them their dog's barking means I can't sleep or study and it's infringing on my personal right to quiet and my own life. Then I file a complaint. etc. I know how to deal with it. But here we debate....should we talk to our neighbors? (Confronting directly in such an indirect culture can really damage relationships). Do we talk to the landlord and make it his problem so he can mediate for us? Can we even voice our frustration or are we supposed to just suck it up as the rest of the community has to? In Afghanistan our neighbors dealt with our dog by throwing pieces of bread soaked with poison over our wall, killing our dog, rather than talking with us.

So, I'm pretty sure the saga will continue. And I have to admit, as much as I wasn't a huge fan of little dogs in the past (I grew up with retrievers and German shepherds as pets) I'm REALLY not a fan of little yappy dogs any more.

to better understand....

We live in such a multi-cultural, multi-religious society. As an American, I was taught from a young age that your religion, race, culture, politics, opinions are your own and it's rude to intrude on peoples' personal lives. However, in my travels and interactions with people from all over the world, I get into discussions about these things more than most small talk, which I admit, I quite enjoy.

One thing I've been wanting to do for awhile is read the Qur'an through, beginning to end. I've dragged my feet on it for awhile though because I wanted to have a more firm foundation in my own Holy Book (um....that would be the Bible for those that may just be stumbling on this blog) before delving too deeply into another.

So a friend and I are reading this together and meeting to discuss what we are discovering. I won't be posting much on here because the intent is not to engage in argument with others who believe differently, but my goal is to see why people believe the things they believe. And in a world that seems to be so divided between Muslim and Christian, I want to be a voice of helping bridge that gap and helping us find some common ground, respect for one another and at the same time not compromise what it is I stand for.

So, if you see me around reading this book, I'm not considering other options or doubting my faith in Jesus, but if God truly tells us to "make disciples of all nations" I want to have a better understanding of those nations. 

Some thoughts on "team"

About a week ago I had a whole week of meetings with the group of people pictured above. One of the girls took this picture and posted it on facebook.....and it led me to thinking a bit nostalgically and reflectively at all the teams I've been able to be a part of over the years.

One of my organizations core values is functioning within teams. When you read that in a value statement it sounds ideal, perfect, "of course, we need each other, we are the body of Christ." Then you join a team, you lead a team, or you get "put" on a team and that's when reality sits in. You realize the people around you are different from you, that they may disagree with what you think are your own incredible ideas. Sometimes they fight with you, they tell you the things you are doing wrong. They confront you and call you out on your crap. Teams take work, effort.

But then teams are also there to be a sounding board. They have people on them who think differently than you and can help solve problems in ways you never would have dreamed of, they have multiplied man-power to accomplish things, they have giftings in areas you are weak. They lift you up when you feel you can't go on. They pray with you and for you. They let you cry, laugh, be opinionated, be shy, etc, etc, etc. Hopefully teams can become a family that supports each other and loves one another.

The above picture is my current team, a high quality group of individuals....we are all teachers (at least in this season of our lives) and all learning from one another. Each one of these people is doing amazing things and is amazing in and of themselves, my hope is that together as a team we can be even more effective.

So, in my reflections I was thinking about teams and especially some of my leaders in the past who have had great impact on me:

Covenant Park Bible Camp: Every summer I worked with a team of staff. I learned through these times how you can have so much fun it's ridiculous, and love Jesus so crazily that it changes peoples' lives. The camp director taught me a lot about leadership that is not afraid to confront...he called me out a few times in a way that really built me up, not tore me down. I learned the damaging effects of cliques but also how friendships that are knit that tightly can last a really long time (as many of them are still a part of my life today. One of the most important lessons I learned as a young leaders is that you can never over-communicate and that has been a value that's stuck with me since then.

Residence Life at Northwestern College: I worked as a Resident Assistant with a group of amazing women my first year and a co-ed group my second year. I learned sisterhood during this time, which was a big deal growing up with only brothers. I learned how to be really honest with a group of people. I learned about integrity and I learned a LOT from my first RA about "not blowing sunshine" and speaking openly about things that need to be brought into the light. I also learned that even though you may be really different from the people on your team, you can depend on them and build good trusting relationships with them. I learned how to be a better discipler from the women that I worked with.

Staffing in my current organization: I worked on a variety of short-term teams and staffing with different groups of people my first few years. It was then I began to recognize the leadership giftings that God had put in me and also the red flag of pride that could so often swell up in my heart. I was challenged on what it means to serve and lead at the same time. I worked with people that helped me dream bigger than my limited capabilities, who had faith that if God spoke, it was on him to make it happen and not just my energy that would bring things to pass. I learned how to lead when everything changes and you have to make decisions on the spot.

C.Asia: My team in C. Asia was the most "family-like" group I've ever been a part of, partly out of necessity, partly out of the environment we found ourselves in, but a lot because we chose to be there for each other in that way, and our hearts were truly for one another. These are people I still consider family today even though we are literally scattered around the globe (though all still pursuing the same heart and passion which we started out together as a team with). I learned on this team that relationship can be more important than task, that differences in leadership styles are good but require a lot of communication and give-and-take. I learned SO much about commitment and the results of the lack of it through these years. I grew in investing in a foundational value of prayer and seeking God in everything that I want to be a prominent value of any team I lead or am a part of in the future.

Taiwan: This season has looked so much different from my last one in C.Asia. But, I've grown a lot in this time...I've learned how to be on a team and not necessarily be the one in charge. I've also learned that even without a role or a position, you can be a person of influence. I've learned how to communicate with people VERY different from me in the way they think. I've learned more when to be quiet and when to step forward and speak my mind. I've learned how to be intentional because team doesn't just "happen" it's something we cultivate.

Teams are a blessing, and teams are also a lot of work. For all who have been a part of a team with me over the years, I'm so thankful for each person I've gotten to work with. I hope God will allow me to have such incredible people by my side working together and living life together in the years to come.

Decision making and the will of God

I used this photo elsewhere on my blog but I love it so much it deserved a second chance to shine

Decisions.
Oh my goodness. Life is full of them. And we keep giving ourselves more and more decisions to make. Have you ever been with a group of people trying to decide where to go for dinner together....
"So, where do you guys wanna eat? We could try the new Japanese place, or the pasta restaurant, or if you want mediterranean....." The person pauses to see a response among the others. Then adds, "or we could go get groceries and cook at my house......or ......" Life is full of choices and options.

How do you pick? Some people pick what "they feel like" others agonize over what everyone else would want.

In our generation and especially in the organization I work with, people are all about the short-term commitments and so live in a constant state of decision making and trying to discern "the will of God" for them on a consistent basis. Spend any amount of time with young people, ask them what they need prayer for and probably 75% of the time it's "well, I need clarity for what to do next year." "I'm praying about where I go on outreach." "I need to decide where I'll be after this commitment finishes."

I've had a lot of big decisions to make. I have AGONIZED over them the last few weeks and months. I've been reflecting on some of my major life transitions and realized every time that decision making process is so painful. Not because I hate having options (I love it!), not because I feel like God never speaks or gives direction (He does!) but I realize I wish life was more like a Choose Your Own Adventure book. I wish I could at least "peek" and see how the other choices turn out. My curiosity makes me want to live in 10 directions at once. But after my decision is made, I have to grieve the fact that I will never know "what could have been."

Discerning God's voice and following his will is quite the process as well. My organization has a foundational value in hearing and obeying God's voice. It's something I have done time and time again and you would think you'd get "better" at it....I know I have grown in sensitivity to God's voice. I know I trust him more now than I did in my 20's. But I find I come up against situations more and more now where God gives me options. Just this week I faced two major options and felt God was allowing me to choose.

I would almost feel more comfortable if he said "Do this Danika" and left it at that. Then I wouldn't have to think. I wouldn't have to weigh the implications. I wouldn't have to blame myself if things didn't go well (I could blame God! ha!). And, I probably wouldn't have to pray as long or try to listen as patiently. Seems God enjoys me going through the process with him.

So, the decision is made. And I woke up this morning with a panic thinking "oh my goodness. Did I just make the wrong choice????!!!" After a good cup of coffee though and some time in prayer, peace settled once again. And I move forward, because in life we can't go back. But I do so wish I could flip a few pages over just to SEE how things might have been.

"God is in control"....and other things Christians always feel the need to say

It's been a bit of a tough week for me. Not because tragic circumstances happened but mostly because the plans that I have been forming, praying over and hoping in where suddenly sidelined and my expectations of a few things had to be laid down.

I was frustrated. I was a bit panicked....mostly because one decision I make is usually connected and affected by about 20 others. My life revolves around visas and deadlines. Truth be told at this moment, I don't know which country my feet will be standing in come February of next year. That is an unsettling feeling, Right? I don't know how many people who read this blog live a lifestyle like that, but just by reading it in black and white, it makes me a bit dizzy, and even though being transient has become "normal" for me.

So, here I am. I am one who is supposed to teach and disciple people in the ways of God. I am to be a speaker and example of application of truth. And sometimes, life happens. Things change. Hard stuff comes. And in the quiet place between me and God in my heart I say to him "God, I don't like this. I am scared. I don't know what to do. I feel alone. I feel a little lost. Hold me."

......but process these thoughts out loud, and you know how it goes. I find myself as I say these things, trying to add a nice statement at the end to reassure people I haven't lost my faith, I believe the bible is true, and that I trust God is who he says he is. It's almost like it's not a thought worth speaking out unless it leads to that conclusion.....

i.e. I've had a really hard day, but God is faithful. I know he'll get me through this.
i.e. I don't know how things will work out but God is sovereign. I can trust him.
i.e. This is so painful, but.........

Now before the entire Christian population rises up and tells me "but it's true and we need to hear truth in these times" let me say.....YES, I don't believe these things are not true. I trust a sovereign God. This is why when life gets jumbled, I spend three hours in my room, in prayer, crying out to HIM and not sobbing on anyone's shoulders I can find.

But what is it in us, that feels uncomfortable or can't allow raw and honest emotions to be expressed, even if they aren't "pretty"? What if we just need to say "this sucks" or EVEN "this is sh**ty"? The more I read the Bible, the more rawness I see. Though many of the lament Psalms end with a praise to a sovereign God, they usually don't end with "but my emotions are all okay now." David still wants vengeance on those who hurt him. Job still wishes he had never been born, same with Jeremiah. Jeremiah tells God that there is not enough liquid in him for him to be able to weep the way he wants. Paul still walks around with a thorn in his flesh even though he has a promise of grace. Our savior still cries out that he is forsaken on the cross as he died in agony; he asked for the cup to be taken from him even knowing the will of the father and being committed to give his own life.

So, how do we respond to others when we are having a hard time or when they are walking through a difficult season? Do we throw "right theology" on them until they feel better? Do we hide behind the protection of God's sovereignty and pretend that we're not freaked out at the unknown a little bit? I think we Christians need to express honesty to one another and not feel the need to "tweak" ourselves. I'm not saying we just speak out unedited thoughts all the time, but I hope we have friends that we can be raw and truthful and will sit beside us, in all our mess, give us a hug, and offer it up to the throne of God without judgment or fear. God is big enough. He knows our doubts even as Christian cliches bounce off our tongues. He knows whether we speak those things in faith or insecurity. God is the one who changes our hearts. And our emotions are legitimately valid. They are important to God. Jeremiah tells the people to "pour out their hearts like water before the presence of the Lord." He wept for 40+ years before the Lord and we can feel free to do the same.

Let sleeping packs of dogs lie

6am....the sky was slowly emerging from pink to blue. I tied my running shoes and decided to venture out around the beautiful quiet streets of Chiang Rai, surrounded by rice fields, overshadowed by bamboo trees. So peaceful........except for the dogs.

I had asked about running around the area where the base is at. No one seems to have as much of an enthusiasm for pounding out miles on foot as I do, so most people had no idea what it was like to run here. I was informed that the dogs will sound and look scary but are mostly harmless. Great. (did I mention I was bit by a dog as a teenager and still get a little nervous around them?).

I decided to "test the waters." I grabbed my iPod and a STICK. This is the first time I've ever run with a weapon in my hand and hoped I didn't trip and gouge out my own side or something. I ran through the little streets, past a little morning market getting geared up with curious Thai faces peeking at me as I jogged by, I ran past little houses (many with gates, take that doggies!) and then I rounded a corner.......

oh, dear God. I literally prayed. A huge pack of dogs just sleeping in the road. I walked. I breathed. I tightened my hand around my stick. Sure enough.....the eyes opened, the barking began. A massive GANG of dogs arose from their sleep, and came after me, towards my ankles. I breathed. I tensed. I breathed. "hey doggies.....I'm sure my tiny little stick doesn't scare you at all does it???"

Thankfully, the people at the base are right. The dogs barked, but did little more than come to me out of curiosity. I continued on my way, past the temple (where they keep dogs as well, I found out) and rounded a corner and came across the most breathtakingly beautiful scene. One of those moments you can't capture on camera (but I sure did wish I at least had one. no luck this time). In front of me lay vast rice fields, spotted with a straw-hatted worker here or there, a few Thai-style houses, and green lush mountains blanketed in misty fog over the tops of it in the background. There was chanting wafting through the air...not sure if it was from one of the many little golden temples I could see or from a radio. But it was eerily beautiful. So. Beautiful.

On the way back I ran by two monks in their saffron robes, receiving alms from a couple in front of their house. They had already had a table set out with rice and some other things. They handed them to the monks into their outstretched bowls. They then sat down in front of the monks as they chanted and blessed them.

The dogs still freaked me out, but I know I can brave a few more early morning runs the rest of this week--the scenery, the peaceful countryside and intriguing cultural moments are definitely worth it. I might take my camera (and a bigger stick) next time I go. But I'll leave a few photos just to at least give you a little glimpse into the beauty here.

Rice fields

The view from the base

Life's Intersections

Living an international life and being a "traveling teacher" isn't always as glamorous and non-stop fun as it sounds, or looks. In the traveling and teaching I'm doing this year, I've realized it can have some very lonely moments for this single young woman. It's hard to get up motivation to go check out a cool restaurant or landmark by yourself, take photos and then post them on facebook or a blog just to be able to share them with someone besides....yourself.

But, this post is actually not about loneliness, it's really about the fact that people join us on our path that we are walking. What a blessing it is to have a companion by your side, if even for a short walk. My time in Central Asia was just that, coming alongside some people who at some points in life have climbed mountains with me. As we walked the short path this spring together, we recounted harrowing tales of heights and depths and praised God for all he had done.

Coming to Thailand, to teach, to have a lot of alone time to read and catch up on emails and blogs while the students study and the staff work in between teaching times, I also had the chance to spend a few days with friends. The beauty of working in the organization I'm in is getting to meet so many incredible people from all over the world. The difficulty is 9 times out of 10 and often even 10 times out of 10, you say goodbye to everyone you have the privilege to meet. We've referred to it as the "revolving door"....but I think revolving doors are fun and these goodbyes are not so fun.

I got to catch up with two people who were in the SBS last year, people of high caliber, devoted to Jesus and world mission, and both pursuing the passion of their hearts in a way that challenges me, encourages me and makes me want to get up in the morning and keep doing what I'm doing. I got to meet my friends' fiancé....a woman that he has loved so much that he's embraced her culture and language as his own. That's beautiful. I also got to see another friend who our lives crossed paths briefly in the mountains of Colorado oh, so long ago. And both of us have gone through ups and downs, life and even death sometimes keeping in touch and sometimes keeping silent, but our paths crossed once again and I got to meet his special love of his life as well. To rejoice together with them with all God is doing in their lives is also a special gift of this trip.

As a single woman in my 30's, traveling a lot, doing the "hello-goodbye" thing with so many people, I often fixate on the times my path is a solo one. Those long stretches of quiet can scream at you sometimes, accuse you of deeply painful things: worthlessness, inadequacy, etc. But I don't want to be a woman who becomes embittered at the loneliness, but rather one who drinks in the multi-faceted companionship that God enables me to have in the life that he has laid out for me. This trip has made me realize how truly blessed I am to have friends literally all over the world. To have the problem of not having enough time to hang out with the people as long as I want. I have more friends I am catching up with in the city I'm teaching in as well. How truly, truly good God has been to me, and continues to be.

To those of you out there who read this blog and our paths have intersected many, many miles ago....who knows, God will hopefully allow us to journey together again. For those of you who trod down life's daily path with me in today's season of life, your friendship is a constant blessing and one that may bring pain to leave one day but makes my life richer and your presence in my life is worth the fact that it's painful to say goodbye. Friendships are worth the risk of investing your heart into, I'm convinced of that.

The Power of Food

35 Days.
35 days without sugar. 35 days without wheat. 35 days without dairy.

I finished my cleanse on Tuesday. My digestive system was a train wreck from all the international visitors that had taken up residence in my body. I did a parasite cleanse and a big part of that is ridding the body of sugars and yeasts (candida) because this is what parasites primarily feast on. This cleanse has also taught me, it's also primarily what most people feast on as well!

This has been a great exercise in discipline and eating healthy. But it wasn't easy. I've discovered truly how sugar is IN. EV. ERY. THING!! Not just deserts and ice cream and candy. But in sauces that we cook meat in, soups, chips, crackers, everywhere. You can hardly eat anything that isn't from a fresh food market that doesn't have a boat load of sugar. It makes me understand why it's so difficult to lose weight. Sugar is sneaking in and sneaking in all day, every day in most of our diets.

The fun thing about making a change in eating is the emotional issues that come with it. I'm willing to bet if you ask most women and they were to answer honestly, a lot of us have food issues connected to our emotional issues. (For an honest woman's writing about this, do check out my friend Adrienne's blog). For me, I realize I use food to fill my down time, to think while I study, as an excuse to get together with friends, for indulgence after a hard day.

So, after all this, I'm feeling much, much better. My stomach isn't embarrassing me in public with all its gurgling noises. And I've come to some conclusions after this:

• eating healthy is worth the extra effort of planning, cooking for myself, and buying the right foods. 
• I'm going to think about what I'm eating before I put it in my mouth. 
• I don't need food to hang out with friends. 
• It's okay to say no to something, even if everyone else is enjoying it. 
• Fresh foods are the best foods....the outdoor vegetable market has become one of my favorite places. 
• my body is worth taking care of, and it's not impossible. 
• and I'm going to keep most dairy and most wheat out of my diet and try to stick to sugar primarily found naturally (fruits, stevia, agave, honey). 

And as an added bonus, I lost 10 pounds over the last 6 weeks and got a good start and motivation for my half-marathon training that I'm getting into right now. To reward myself for all of this, I bought new running clothes and enjoyed a banana, oatmeal, yogurt smoothie and a piece of dark chocolate! 

Hanging with the weeping prophet

In about 2.5 weeks I'm setting off to Thailand to teach the books of Jeremiah and Lamentations in their School of Biblical studies (I was able to buy my ticket thanks to some generous friends!). I taught the book last year  so it's been a good time to review and go a bit deeper into the book.

Some confession time: I am now a Bible teacher, but I have to admit for much of my Christian journey I've struggled with loving the Bible. I found it dry and bits of it pretty irrelevant to my daily life (how the heck do you get anything out of geneologies and lists of how to chop up meat in order to offer it as a sacrifice?!?). The book of Jeremiah was one that I never really gave a whole lot of attention to...maybe some parts like chapters 30-33 (also called the "book of hope"...one of the only parts of the book that takes a break from intense pronouncements of judgment to speak of restoration).

Actually spending time in God's word, putting the work in to wrestle with it, study it, meditate on it, process it and always, always inviting the Holy Spirit to give revelation has helped bring me to a place where I truly love God's word. I can't imagine how I was so apathetic towards it in the past. I know many of us struggle with it because this is one of the most frequent questions I hear from others...how do I study my Bible, how do I actually enjoy my time in the word? It takes work....and I'd start by asking God to give you a hunger for his word, and then putting in the discipline to get to know his word more. The more you know it, the more you'll love it. It's like a relationship with people. The more you get to know your friends, your significant others, the more you fall in love with who they are.

But I have such a delight and joy in the book of Jeremiah. I remember last year as I began to read and study it for the SBS here in Taiwan, God told me that he was going to challenge me very personally through this book, that he had something very significant for me.

I feel like this book brought life to me last year....and God really challenged me in the area of commitment, specifically in my commitment to the Afghan people, to dreaming God's dreams and not settling for my own, to being willing to count the cost and not just live life according to my own comfort.

....then he led me on a journey to India, allowed me to return to Central Asia and I am spending a whole year teaching his word, opening up opportunities for teaching nearly every week. And as I ponder what God spoke a year ago, I once again find him true to his word.

I have some upcoming news and plans God has laid on my heart. I asked my supporters to pray for me through this month and many have emailed back and given words God has laid on their hearts. Jeremiah's life is again challenging me to not just live a life without fear, without pain, without discomfort but to truly LIVE, to go for something that is bigger than myself, something to which God stepped into my life and offered an invitation. I'll be letting you know more in the next month, and inviting you to join me in this invitation....whether you come join me physically, help partner financially, partner prayerfully and grasping God's promises in the spiritual realm, or just making you aware of the things God is doing on the other side of the globe, I'm thankful to have others on this journey with me. Jeremiah had Baruch. And I'm thankful to have you! 

Too ambitious??....Getting back to the Classics

I'm a firm believer of taking a Sabbath rest....and not just a sun up to sun-down, holy journey where I sit in a dark room, fasting and praying. But a day of rest that is devoted to time with God and time rejuvenating my soul from all the obligation that the regular work-week presses in on. I leave work alone, I try to step away from the computer a bit (because I usually get tempted to work...yes, my name is Danika and I'm a workaholic), and I enjoy the outdoors, creation, maybe some time with friends. But I try to leave guilt, obligation and work out of the picture on my sabbath. It's a time to be me as God created me to be, to enjoy him and to REST.

So, last week and this week I've had to take my sabbath in the middle of the week because I've had teachings every weekend. The nice thing (and the agonizing thing for someone a bit extroverted) is everyone else is working these days so I have to make sure to have good boundaries and find things to do that I can do alone.

The last few weeks I've started reading some classic literature again. I know some of you may sigh or roll your eyes and think "what a nerd" to yourselves. And that's fine. I'm embracing my nerdiness as I grow older where I tried to hide it for so many years when I was younger.

I love the classics. I love the "meatiness" of the written word in many forms of literature. I love Greek tragedies, I love reading a line of poetry and feeling like you could roll it around in your mind for another 20 minutes and still continue to discover its meaning. I love that it takes time. And I love that much of our Western Literature has helped formed our Western worldview and yet we are blissfully unaware of it, until we read where it first began.

So, I've begun to read the Iliad and admittedly, I've had to look to Google for a quick refresher on the Trojan war and to figure out all the different names of the characters and who is human, who is a god, who is a child of a god or a nymph. Believe it or not, I've enjoyed that process and taken abundant notes. Yep. I truly am a nerd.

Then I came across this little gem: 10 Essential Classics in Western Literature. This is a recommendation of a booklist that every person should read as these are foundations of the western worldview. I have to admit, it's tempting to read through all of these. Though, I'm only 1/4 of the way through the Iliad so this could take some time.

What are you reading these days? I have to admit, it's easier to pick up The Hunger Games  than to pick up some great classic literature, simply for readability and disconnecting the mind, but when is the last time you challenged your brain and your soul just a little bit?

A month without sugar

I am a resident of the world. This year I've already put my feet in five different nations other than my home country and with this wonderful, adventurous privilege, I also get to partake of the abundant and diverse cuisine around our world. However with this privilege comes a bit of adversity.....the world soon becomes a resident of me in many different microscopic and parasitic forms.

I'll spare you the gory details of my last few years but suffice it to say, I've become an expert on parasitic symptoms in every day life and can identify a case of giardia from a mile away. After my travels this year, I've realized that I've had some new tenants that neglected to inform me that they signed a rental agreement with my intestinal track.

So, all this to say, this month I am doing a cleanse to rid myself of these tiny invaders and claim the territory that is rightfully mine. The cleanse I'm doing is one that was recommended by a homeopath that I knew back in Colorado and has been good for me before. But, it means no sugar, no dairy and no wheat for a month.

The sugar thing I'm discovering is quite difficult. In a world full of convenience foods and sauces and hidden sugars it's not easy to avoid and I'm finding that most of my cooking I have to do at home. (although Taiwan does provide other great healthy convenience foods like tea-eggs and baked sweet potatoes at the local 7-11!)

So here's one of my latest adventures and experiments: veggie smoothies. I've never gotten into the green smoothie thing but this one I saw and wanted to try--a carrot, ginger, avocado smoothie.

a bunch of carrots, half a large avocado, 1 small lemon, 1/3 inch fresh ginger, salt and cayenne,
water to cover the ingredients

It turned out to be pretty yummy--though next time I'd decrease the ginger just a bit, it can be overpowering and I went a little crazy with it. Also, I'd consider steaming the carrots first so they blend better (I don't have a juicer). And I'd add more avocado. But overall, a good adventure. 

Today is Day 6 without sugar (and dairy and wheat) and I'm feeling pretty good. But day 4 found me craving a mango like it was the only thing on planet earth to eat (I'm cutting out fruits except lemons/limes, fresh cranberries and granny smith apples because of their sugar content--which parasites feed on). I could picture me eating the mango, cool and juicy on that hot day...the juice running down my face. It was bad. 

Yesterday I kept imagining dark chocolate. 

But the adventure continues. I'm hoping my health will improve with this little full-scale attack on my intestines. They joys of international living. 

Dragon boat Festival

 This is my third year that I have been in Taiwan during the dragon boat festival, although this year was the first time I ever actually watched the dragon boat races.

So, a bit of a history lesson: this festival commemorates a famous patriotic poet Chu Yuan who drowned himself in the river when his home state was taken over by another. It was said people  raced to rescue him in boats and when they could find him, they threw zongzi (a rice dumpling wrapped in bamboo leaves) so the fish would eat those instead of the poet.

So, these traditions of boat racing and eating traditional foods are still practiced today. Also, I noticed people put up bunches of herbs on their doors in our apartment building this morning. Evidently, this time of year is important for protection from evil and disease so these healthy herbs are a part of securing that for the year to come.

 Today, I went with a bunch of friends from church to watch the races, and a number of people I know from church were also IN the races. So, it turned out to be quite the enjoyable event.

The teams all paddle to the beat of a drum that keeps them in sync with one another. The person on the extreme front of the boat is the one who reaches out and grabs the flag that is sitting in the water at the finish line ( you can see the girl in the photo below getting ready to secure the victory for their team)

I also learned that the person in the way back who steers the boat has to train for that for two years before being able to compete.

I was thinking watching this event a year or two ago would not have been as fun because I would not have known as many people or would have been able to actually cheer for a team that I knew.

Dragon Boat Festival in Danshui
Upon arriving in my city, Danshui, I was reminded that this festival is not just about a good time, cheering for friends and eating all kinds of fried foods and mango shaved ice-cream. There is a deeper, darker side to these days.

Danshui at the time of the Dragon Boat Festival also celebrates one of their major idols of the city. They march the idol around the city, setting off fireworks before it to clear the evil spirits away. Since I've been home, the sounds are similar to some I've heard in Afghanistan....pops and explosions, though these are all from firecrackers and fireworks exploding in the air, not bringing death to people, but an attempt to cause evil in the spiritual world to flee.

Pictured here is the idol in front of the people and the firecrackers being set off behind it as it is marched through the streets. 

But tomorrow a greater evil sets in on the city.....the streets will be filled with parades to worship the idols, performances in front of temples, but worst of all will be the many shamans who get themselves high and often becoming demon possessed, dancing around the streets and physically mutilating their bodies with instruments full of sharp razors or by poking steel rods through their cheeks and all sorts of horrific practices. This is a dark day in the city, one I usually head into Taipei for to escape some of the intensity.

But it reminds me, that we were all created for worship.
We are all created to express our awe and fear of something that is more powerful than us.

Some of are still looking for what that ultimate power is.

And as they look, they bend their knee elsewhere.

Embracing Freedom

While I'm here in C. Asia I've taken to running in the botanical gardens just down from the house I am staying in. It's 2 Somoni (about $0.40) for the entrance fee and in the morning it's me and the women who are sweeping the sidewalks clean. It's so beautiful. The air is fresh, I catch glimpses of the snow covered mountains around certain turns, peacocks wander freely and here I am, in my sweats and t-shirt, iPod with hip hop music pumping and I'm running....in C. Asia!

When I first moved to Taiwan from Af, everything seemed amazing. I could walk by myself. I could wear t-shirts. I could go out after dark. And so I did those things, I enjoyed them. I shared my excitement with others.

While I've been here, how could I not take advantage of the beauty and the freedom of being able to go running (btw, something I've NEVER done in C. Asia before so it was amazing!)

I've been studying the book of Hebrews to teach in the SBS when I get back. And I've been thinking about how often I take the gospel, the truth, my freedom in Christ for granted. It gets to be the same ol', same ol' thing. The readers of Hebrews were willing to throw their freedom away to go back to the law because it looked a little easier, a little less taxing on their day to day lives. But, they have beauty and freedom and hope at their fingertips. The grace and mercy of God.

"For freedom Christ has set us free; stand firm therefore and do not submit again to a yoke of slavery."(Gal. 5:1)
It's possible to walk away from freedom. It's possible for me to sit in the house, thinking how great it would be to run in a beautiful park but too scared to really step out and do it. It's possible for me to hold back from living free in Christ, submitting to a bunch of "shoulds" or "shouldn'ts"....it's possible to have the truth and never fully embrace it in my life.

Oh that we may live free in Christ, embracing our identity as ones who are loved and redeemed, freely sharing how amazing that freedom is with others.

Teaching Prep--Titus-style

So, I've been in the blogging mood but haven't felt like I have too much that's interesting to talk about...then I found that quite ironic because I'm in the middle of a blitz of teaching prep just arriving back from India and just about to head out to C. Asia. There's lots to talk about, but teaching prep just doesn't feel all that, well social or sharable.

So, this is what I've been doing for the last week and a half and will continue to do for the next two weeks! Yeah for studying and teaching prep. It's been quite the shock to go from an intense, people-filled time to sitting at home, or in coffee shops or at a classroom, typing and praying and studying and thinking and writing and planning and well, introverting.

But, my time with Titus Project has really helped me grow as a teacher, I believe. For one, it's immensely helped me to understand how I best prepare to teach. Before I'd just type up bulleted teachings, sometimes word-for-word, because that's what I thought you did, then I'd print them out, scribble a bunch of notes from them, and then either never look at them when I teach or get completely lost while I teach.

I've discovered the art and joy of mind-mapping and have been experimenting with it to teach and also plan my schedules. I've realized color and space to add things freedom to draw pictures rather than write detailed points has helped me teach better and more creatively. Teaching prep has always been something I've done only because I had to, and half the time I ended up relying on my abilities to ad-lib and to think on my feet.

This is my teaching schedule for a D-school that I will be teaching in this
 next month. I was pretty proud of my "note pad" to write my to-do list on
 the right side. 

This is an example of mind-mapping my teaching for an overview of the
Inductive Method. This is a 45 minute teaching which fits nicely on
one sheet of paper. I taught from this one while in India. 

So, if you're reading this and not bored out of your mind yet, please do pray for me as I prepare. I have a number of different groups of people I'll be teaching over a period of about 5 weeks. I want to make sure I'm catching God's heart for each group as well as offering them what they need to be even better equipped and to have a deeper understanding of the word of God. So, pray that as I prepare, God would speak and lead and that I'd not be distracted but able to focus and follow through with all the preparation that needs to be done.

And....that there would be some space and time for some social activity. Otherwise, I just get weird if I spend too much time alone. 

YWAM Taipei

This video gives you a great look into what goes on here in Taiwan and what we are doing here to connect with things God is doing around the world. Please take a few minutes to watch, and also to pray for the ministry and the workers here.