The ILLUSION of Control

Yesterday was one of those carefully crafted, planned and executed days. From the moment I woke up to the cries of a hungry baby, needing to be fed, I was on "full speed ahead" mode. My "to do" list was quite long and I just mentally checked things off as I went, forgetting that small accomplishment as quickly as I could focus on the next task. Mondays I go in to my office so it means getting up and getting Josiah and myself ready for the day. Then, taking Roy to work so that I can have the car. We had to make a run to Target so Josiah and I went and sped the aisles stocking up on necessities like dish soap and toilet paper. After that, home and Josiah's time for a nap. The moment he went down, I sped around the house getting dinner prepped and in the crock pot, tossed a load of laundry in the washer, checked my work email, got Josiah's endless amount of stuff ready to take with him to the baby sitter. He woke up, after feeding and changing I dropped him off at the sitter, drove to work just in time for my meeting to start. After work was done, pick up Josiah, run and pick up Roy from work. Get home, finish dinner prep, get dinner ready for Josiah. Another load of laundry. Eat, and head out the door for a prayer meeting for the ministry that I'm involved in. As soon as that's done, run by the Indian store for a few necessities. Then....breathe. I was headed off to enjoy an evening coffee girls' night with some friends that had been planned for a few weeks. What a day. I needed my friends, a cup of decaf coffee, some chocolate and to just shake off the stress of the day.

As I'm driving along, I was listening to this song on the radio:

I tried to fit you in the walls inside my mind
I try to keep you safely in between the lines
I try to put you in the box that I've designed
I try to pull you down so we are eye to eye

When did I forget that you've always been the king of the world?
I try to take life back right out of the hands of the king of the world
How could I make you so small
When you're the one who holds it all
When did I forget that you've always been the king of the world

Just a whisper of your voice can tame the seas
So who am I to try to take the lead
Still I run ahead and think I'm strong enough
When you're the one who made me from the dust

I actually hadn't heard this song before, and it stopped my racing mind for a moment. Ah, yes. God is in control. On days like today, I forget who actually has it all together. It's really not me. 

Turns out I needed this reminder. Just a few minutes later......

splatter, splatter........CRACK!!!!!

Rain and hail began to pour down. A giant circular crack was punched into my windshield. I screamed and ducked (as if that would help avoid the onslaught of hail!). My car sounded like it was being bashed in with a bat. I couldn't believe how fast and how hard those little hail balls could hit. Some were marble sized, but I think some of them coming down were closer to quarter sized. They kept punching dent after dent into the car and crack after crack in my windshield. 

I turned into the nearest parking lot and tried to find an overhang to hide my car under. The nearest tree had to do and the leaves softened the blows to my car as I huddled underneath. 

And I just cried. I felt so small. So helpless. So out of control. I wept for fear. I wept for our super tight budget with most of our money already ear-marked for things for our new house and the move and regular bills. I wept for the sheer exhaustion of the day. I was NOT the king of my own world at that moment.  

This morning, I watched Josiah as he woke up crying out knowing that someone would be there to pick him up. He fussed knowing that food would be given to him. He fell asleep in my arms just before nap time, knowing and trusting that he was safe, protected and cared for. I need to be more like Josiah most days....faith like a child is truly something that I lose sight of. I forget how good my heavenly Father is. I forget that chaos can hit at any moment for any one of us: storms and natural disasters, death of family members, loss of jobs, relocation of jobs, broken relationships, the destruction of our own personal and ongoing sin, a sudden illness, etc. We really aren't as in control as we think we are. 

This morning, I need to crawl into my heavenly Father's arms and just know I'm safe, cared for, loved and he has it all under control....and I need to make a call to the insurance company.

Babies Don't Come with Instruction Manuals

I am a researcher....I love information and collecting all I can about different subjects. I thrived in school; then as a teacher I have file BOXES on different subjects.

So, when I got pregnant, the research started again. I read pretty much cover-to-cover the What to Expect When You're Expecting book. For each baby item we purchased, I read all the reviews and then when we received it read all the instruction manuals (you practically have to with the car seat in order to figure out how to put your baby in it safely!). I spent HOURS online researching cloth diapers and even attended a two hour class! And I honestly don't feel like I went overboard with it all...I was just trying to do the best I could to figure out the best decisions in the myriad of things to do, choose from and prepare for.

Then this little bundle of joy came into our lives. Oh what a day, to hold my tiny, beautiful, squirmy, wide-eyed, dark-haired baby boy. Every day was filled with new things to be experienced, decisions to make, moments to cuddle and a new normal to adjust to. Then I began to encounter things that there was no instruction manual, website, expert,  or clear answers for.

Here is my list of things that I discovered there was no manual for:

1. How in the world do you dress your baby for cold weather?!
Ok...I'm from Minnesota. It's pretty simple to us Northern Folk. It's freezing cold, you add more layers. Function trumps fashion.
But with babies....you can't add big fluffy warm layers when you are going in the car seat. When Josiah was just two months old, we took him in the car to a place we would be back and forth from warm buildings and walking around outside. Do you dress up in a warm snow suit and then take it off every time you are inside or in the car? How complicated!! We ended up dressing him in a couple layers (a longsleeved onesie and a hoodie) and covered him in blankets in the car seat, put him in the baby carrier against my chest when we were outside and covered him with a blanket. But seriously, it was quite the process to figure out.

2. Where does baby sit in the restaurant?
The first few times we went out to eat, we placed the car seat in the booth or on the chair next to us. Each time the host asked us if we wanted a high chair. I politely refused each time but inside was thinking, are you crazy? Can't you see he's so tiny and can't even hold his head up?! How in the world will he sit in the high chair? Little did I know most restaurants have high chairs or slings that hold a car seat so they can sit next to the table.

3. Baby change tables in public places
I NEVER paid attention to those in the bathrooms before and now it's one of the first things I check for when we are out and about. One thing I've noticed....most places have them these days, but most public places keep their restrooms significantly cooler than the rest of the building. Have you ever tried to change the diaper of a little boy when it's really cold?! You really have to watch out for, um, well....spraying.

4. How to schedule your life around breastfeeding
Breastfeeding. *SIGH* I could write a novel just on that journey. The HARDEST thing I've had to do in quite a long time (and that's saying a lot considering I've lived in a war zone).  My post-partum emotions mostly erupted over breastfeeding issues. It's only been the last month or so when I feel we've gotten to a good place in breastfeeding. There is a lot of information on how to breastfeed. I worked with an incredible lactation consultant. But there was nothing to tell me HOW to schedule life around breastfeeding....when do I wake up to make sure myself and the little man are both fed, dressed and ready to go out the door and he isn't crying out of hunger 15 minutes later? How do I schedule feedings when I have a babysitter giving him a bottle and I get home intending to feed him and it's 10 minutes after he's eaten? What happens when you are standing in line for stamps at Christmastime at the post office for 45 minutes and the baby starts crying because he's hungry? When you are out running errands and in the middle of them the baby needs to be fed...what do you do? I've now discovered the backseat of my car and utilize it more than ever.

5. Taking baby to church
Where do you sit? In the back? Near the aisle? In the family room outside of the sanctuary? I never even knew we had a nursing mothers room in our church until Josiah came along. Although I've now discovered that it's quite the chit-chatty place and I don't get to listen to the sermon if I am not the only person in there. What age do you decide to put your kids in the nursery? We still haven't because for one Josiah is pretty quiet and doesn't fuss at all. We like having him with us. Also, it's cold and flu season, and we feel he's still pretty little to be in a big crowd of little-bitties with runny noses. Do we go to the early service (where we usually go and have lots of friends) but interrupt baby's morning nap, or the later service (we don't know anyone, it's packed and louder and more chaotic) after the baby naps?

6. Childcare when you don't live near family
We have lived in Colorado Springs for two years so thankfully we have a community of friends and connections here. However, we don't want to just take advantage of all those relationships for childcare. It's a delicate balance of expressing need and not being a burden to others. I am working from home part-time so for the most part, I am able to be here for Josiah. But, I do go into the office once a week, or we have things come up, or we need a date night. So, who do you call? How do you ask? And most of our friends available during the day also have little kids at home so you don't want to just add to the masses.

7. Shopping with baby
So, I know you should not put your baby's car seat on the top part of the shopping cart. So we tried putting him in his car seat in the basket part. However, this does NOT work for grocery shopping day when we have to fill the cart. I've tried taking the stroller/car seat in when we have smaller things but that is only when I am picking up one or two items. So I've also tried putting him in the baby carrier but then have to deal with the cold element (see #1) in transferring him to and from the carrier and the car seat and walking through the parking lot in the cold temperatures and snow falling. So far, the carrier is the best (but not perfect) option. 

There are many more in addition to this. And I'm realizing, each parent has to discover the way that is best for their family, and best for their baby. For some things, there is no RIGHT way, just what works best for you. And then just when you get it figured out, something new comes along. This is the joy of parenthood and I have realized, it keeps me dependent upon God to lead us as a family. It keeps me and my husband communicating to figure out what works best for us. And it makes for some good memory-creating moments as we make our way together.

Back in the blogging saddle again

It has been over two years since I've written on my blog.

Two years.

And it's not as though I haven't had anything to write about. I've only gotten married, moved, looked for and started new jobs, traveled, and oh yeah, had a baby. Nothing much going on.

In fact, that has been the "problem." There has been so much going on that it has taken all my concentration and focus and investment.

Also, it has been a huge transition, and not all of it easy. I find blogging allows a peek inside of people's lives and I have to admit, there have been many moments these last few years that I've just been struggling to figure it all out, have a balance, etc, that any outside (and especially unsolicited) advice or input would just be the cherry-on-top to overwhelm me.

But, now that I'm in this new season of motherhood, I'm finding I crave a bit of a creative outlet. In my day-in and day-out routine with my adorable baby boy, there are deep parts of my soul that are needing some investment. I believe that writing is a big part of that for me.

So, here we go again. I have even been dragging my feet because i had plans to revamp my blog visually, maybe even go with a different platform, rename it, get a new focus and spin on it. But alas, getting over that hurdle was keeping me from the very thing I wanted to be doing, just writing. So it's back to the old standby blog that has been patiently waiting for me out there in internet neverland. A place filled with many of my previous thoughts and experiences....collecting digital cobwebs and unseen by pretty much everyone. Well....Lazarus come forth! Let's breathe some life into you again and see where this takes us.

Next post....some things on my new mommy mind I've been dying to process.

Remember what you learned

Ever "cram" for a test? I'm excellent at that....I can study and memorize then spit information out on to a piece of paper and really feel like I have a good grasp of the material. Then ask me about it next week, next month and it's a blurry memory.  How do we maintain what we "know"? Since I've really got into teaching, for me the things that stick the most are what I pass on to others, and those things that have poignant life lessons attached to them.

This has been a testing season to say the least. I moved back to my home country where I haven't lived for eight years. That is challenging whether you may be aware of it or not. I transitioned out of a ministry that I've been working with for eleven years. I have been looking for a job for nearly five months now and have been without consistent financial support for two months. And the greatest challenge is maintaining a very long distance relationship while planning our wedding which has the risk of having to be rescheduled if my fiancé's visa has any glitches.

I know there will be a time when I look back on all of this and see the 20/20 hindsight perspective. I'll see how it was all woven together for my good and how each thing that did or did not happen would turn out to be a blessing. But right now I stand in the unknown. Right now I'm in the thick of it with 10 days to a wedding I'm not even 100% sure will happen on that day.

But I've learned. And, oh, how these lessons didn't come easy. I wanted to put some things in writing before this season whisks away and dissolves into the next and I forget the poignant things written into my soul.

1. God is trustworthy.
As a student and teacher of the Bible, a committed Christian and a woman who has given my life to serving God, you would think this would be a given piece of information. This simple truth has been tested to the max and I am ashamed I spent far too many days in tears wondering if this was in fact true. When job after job faded out of my grasp. When delay after delay happened in Roy's visa. When day after day went by and I am still facing reverse culture shock and asking if I truly heard God right because the journey in front of me feels so difficult and at times impossible. But God's character stands above circumstances. I don't know why I still don't have a job (and believe me, it's not for lack of trying or experience or education). I don't know why Roy and I have spent seven straight months apart. I don't know why it seems he will only arrive here two days before the wedding. But what I DO know is that none of those things makes a dent in God's trustworthiness. His plans are not our plans. His best is not always what I think is best. That challenges can be far better for me in the long run than ease and comfort. God is trustworthy. Even if we have to change the wedding. Even if we have to live with family and work odd jobs for awhile. Even if another circumstance comes our way. God is trustworthy. I don't ever want to forget that.

2. Marriage is far more important than any wedding/wedding detail.
I now know why the "bridezilla phenomenon" happens. It makes sense. And it's been a tempting reaction. The entire wedding industry sells you this fact that you can and indeed should have the wedding of your dreams and every detail can be perfect. (as long as you're willing to pay for it of course). You are paraded through this list of expectations and then if that isn't overwhelming enough, they tell you that because you are a unique couple you can break any one of those expectations and do whatever you want because it's YOUR wedding and you are the princess and you rule for that day. Self, greed, pride, reigns on your wedding day and you have every right for that to be so.
But really, if my groom makes it here, the church could burn down, no one could show up, the food could be foul, the music like nails on chalkboards, my dress stained or ruined and as long as I say "I Do" and make a covenant before God (and at least one witness!) then our marriage has begun. And that is a beautiful thing. Roy and I have had the clarity of seeing that at the end of the day, if him and I are together, THIS is what matters. The rest is insignificant and fades into a list of memories. Our relationship endures.

3. Money is not the most important thing (though it is needed in life).
I believe the teachings of the church on money often leave Christians confused. We are told money is not to have any power over us. We are never to bow to money, make it our idol. And yet the simple fact remains, we need money. Money provides us with food. It takes care of our bills.....without it we could go to prison for never paying our taxes or ignoring our medical bills or end up homeless for not paying our rent. We do NEED it. But it is not to be the all-consuming power of our lives. That's a fine balance to walk, which I think always leads us back to our God as our ultimate provider. I have been without a job for five months. My financial support dwindled and was finished two months ago. At each moment I needed it I got either a temp job for a week or two or a phone call or a check from someone who wanted to help us with the wedding. I've had to cut back. I've stopped going out to eat or doing "extras." The only things I've purchased are things needed for the wedding or groceries. We need a job. But money is not the most important thing and cannot dictate my life, our lives. Roy and I don't know financially what lies ahead for us. We both need jobs. But we know that God is our provider and will make a way....either through opening a door for us to work, or sending the ravens while we sit by the stream as he did with Elijah. What we do have, we don't want to hoard or keep back but still continue to be generous and wisely take care of the necessities.

4. Communication is a priceless gift in relationships
A long distance relationship basically has to be built on communication. Thats about all you can do over the phone. It's hard to watch a movie together, to do a puzzle, to go out to eat, to hang out with a group of friends, to hold hands or watch a beautiful sunset. When you are in a long-distance relationship, you connect and then you talk. Because of that, our relationship has been forced to have a bedrock foundation of communication. We have talked about it seems like everything. We talk twice a day. We have read books together. And then we have talked about them. This is a priceless treasure. Good relationships have good communication. Not just dating/engaged/married relationships, but friendships and family. I have learned to value open communication in a new way over this last year.

5. A job is not your identity
This has been a lesson that has been years in the learning. What we do often stems out of who we are. We seek something where we can exercise our strengths and gifts. Where we can learn and face challenges that we enjoy. But what we do is not the sum total of who we are. Easy to say when you are doing something you love. A whole lot harder to believe when you are sitting day after day, filling out job apps, having to answer peoples' questions about what you do with "well, I did this for awhile and now I'm looking for some new opportunities." I've doubted myself. I've doubted my worth. I've doubted that all my experience was valuable. I doubted the path that I took in the pass because it didn't lead me to (what I imagined would be) "success." And when those moments came I realized that I was wrapping myself in the identity of job (or lack thereof). When I worked a temp job where I was treated like the office gimp, I had to remind myself that I had so much more to offer than the people around me assumed. When applying for jobs I knew I was qualified for and yet didn't receive, I had to remind myself that it wasn't because "I wasn't enough." Those are hard lessons. The job seeking season is brutal on the soul and punches your identity in the face. I definitely will have a lot more grace and compassion for those walking through that season in the times to come.

Well, this has been a very personal blog post, but I hope something God has taught me in this season could be a lesson for you....or at least that we can nod our heads and say, "yeah, that's true" together. Our journey is always an opportunity for God to teach us something new or deepen our understanding of something we already know.

So what have you been learning in your season of life? I'd encourage you to pass it on. Or to at least write it down so you can come back to it in the seasons ahead. 

One foot in front of the other: Seeking God's direction in the midst of uncertainty

Needless to say, walking the journey of life can have its confusing moments. These last few months or so have been no exception. Roy and I knew that making a relationship work across a very long distance and waiting for visas so we can be together would be no easy task. The daily reality of that though, has been eye-opening and faith-challenging.

We have been in the continual process of making wise decisions with planning our wedding and future. We have sought counsel, talked together, come up with multiple options and paths to take, and above all got on our knees and sought God in prayer.

All of us want clear direction. We want to know that when we take a step forward, make a really big decision, that the general outcome is going to be positive. We may even want specific details of how the situation will unfold: a time frame, a response from others, that dream job, or the house finished just the way we were expecting, the plans to come together exactly how we researched and planned. And yet the reality of life is that things change, plans fail and sometimes, we can never anticipate the outcome or the twists and turns along the way.

I've been reading in the book of Isaiah over the last few months. Isaiah is a book that really shows God is a God who can be trusted. I've needed the message of this book as many moments along my most recent journey I've questioned, "The circumstances are difficult. Is God really coming through?" It's revealed the areas of doubt in my heart that my head-knowledge just couldn't hide for too long. But in Chapter 30 of Isaiah, God calls out the nation of Israel for trusting in foreign powers (i.e. Egypt) to protect them. They make their own plans but they are not necessarily God's plans. He tells them that "In returning and rest shall you be saved; in quietness and trust is your strength." (30:15) When I'm facing uncertainty, the last thing I usually am is quiet and restful.....He then tells them if they return to him and trust him that "And though the Lord give you the bread of adversity and the water of affliction, yet your Teacher will not hide himself anymore, but your eyes shall see your Teacher. And your ears shall hear a word behind you saying 'This is the way, walk in it,' when you turn to the right or when you turn to the left" (30:20-21) In the middle of uncertainty, this sounds like a breath of cool relief and peace, to hear the one in control direct the way and guide the path.

But what about those moments when you're not in rebellion, just traveling the path and you're uncertain..."am I going right, or left or is this still the way I am to walk?"

About a week ago, Roy and I got the news that his visa interview was scheduled for AFTER our intended wedding date. While a wedding date is not impossible to change it is VERY, VERY much a hassle. We decided to see if we could get an earlier date, he called the embassy and I called the Minnesota US Senator. We waited and we got an earlier date....one that would put Roy here a day or two before the wedding IF everything goes absolutely flawless. We had a decision: go ahead with the intended date, or change the wedding before people finalize tickets and travel plans. Stressful times.

I took off for a walk in the woods to clear my head and just have it out with God in the semi-privacy of nature. Living in Duluth, I am very near the Superior Hiking Trail  which is nearly 300 miles of trail that snakes along Lake Superior's North Shore area. Much of it winds its way through Duluth itself.

I was walking the path, zoning out and just mindlessly following the path wherever it would lead me. The final destination was not the goal, but just the fact that I was journeying along the path. There would often be other trails that would intersect, places where the winter cross-country ski paths or snowmobile trails would cross the hiking path. At these junctions I would notice that there would be a little sign posted on a tree indicating the way the SHT continued. At some points, the woods would open up with a somewhat discernable path but have other areas people had walked or that seemed to look like trails to follow. At those moments I'd maybe slow down and look around and I'd see the blue paint mark on the tree that you can see in the photo above. Then I knew I was on the right path. But sometimes, I'd have to walk in what I felt like was the right direction and only after a little while, spy the blue indicator on the tree.

It dawned on me, that this is what the journey of following God is often like. We have a trail, there is a journey set before us and our omniscient, all-good God knows the best for us. And even when we are well intended and on the right path, we can question or feel a bit lost or disoriented. Sometimes the assurance and the direction doesn't come in that immediate moment when we feel we need it the most. Sometimes we put one foot in front of the other, using our best judgment and wisdom that we are still on that path, and seek above for that indicator that we are to keep heading in that direction. God's heart is not chaos and disorientation, but sometimes, he wants us to check in with our Guide to slow down and not just assume we've got everything under control.

This season has been building a foundation in mine and Roy's relationship of absolute abandonment and trust in the character and intentions of God. Even when the plan looks unclear, there is still something we can know with absolute certainty, and that is that our God is good, he loves us and he is never going to abandon us. We have decided to keep our intended wedding date not because it's absolutely certain that it will all work out, but we know we've sought wisdom, we have peace in our hearts and we know that no matter what happens...if Roy's feet are on US soil come Oct 26 or not, our God is still amazing, he is good and he knows the path ahead for us. We trust him, not our own plans and we will praise God on our wedding day no matter what it takes for it to come about.

Keep on the journey dear friends. Put that next foot forward even if you don't know where the one after that will land. Keep your eyes above for that blue marker, that sometimes small indication that yeah, God is here and the path is firm. And often, it's the moments of quietness and rest, not chaos and planning and preparing where our most amount of certainty and security will be found. 

Empathizing with Abraham

 

The book of Genesis has become one of my favorites. The characters are so, well, real. They lie, they doubt, they inflict violence on each other, they do crazy stuff that leaves us asking "and WHY are these the examples of faith laid out for us?" In other words, I identify with their humanity. 

Abraham has been an encouraging figure to me as of late. And not because of him being the "father of faith" or what not, but just because I feel like I have a small little taste of walking in his shoes. 

Today is my last day of my temp job. Yesterday I received my final support check after eleven years of having a consistent, faithful support network. Eleven years ago I never would have thought I would say this, but I've really appreciated raising my own support and it's brought so much freedom to my life (for a further explanation of why, please feel free to ask...though it's not the focus of this blog, so I'm continuing on....). And right now, with my season of support finishing, I find myself on uncertain ground. 

Not only am I jobless, I'm crashing in other peoples' homes. My fiance just finished his job today and moved out of his apartment yesterday to stay with his cousin until his visa goes through. And oh yeah, we are still waiting for Roy's visa in hopes that he can arrive in the USA by our intended wedding date. So, here we are, two people starting a future together with no jobs, no home to call their own, and no guarantee of when they will be together. There is no anchor point to hold on to at this point to say "this is my security." 

....apart from having faith that God will come through. 

And that's where we stand. There's a million and one reasons to doubt. I have sent out many, many job applications, interviewed and been denied a job opportunity over and over. It seems like a closed door. Roy and I have very little finances and yet we have to see him move internationally, have a wedding and find a place to live, furnish it and live in the day-to-day. And as of today, both of our paychecks finished. 

It's scary. And all around me the American world is screaming at me to get insurance, save up, find security, make sure my future is solid. My arms feel like they are being ripped off in two different directions. 

Abraham. Abraham packed up everything leaving security behind. I think many of us who have gone through transition look to him and sigh, knowing that someone, somewhere at some point in history has known how we feel. I also have been thinking about how God promised Abraham he'd be a father of many nations and yet it was decades before he saw the fulfillment of the promise. Delay and no change in circumstances can lead down a very direct road to doubt the validity of God's words, doubt his willingness to keep his promises, doubt the good will of his heart towards us. 

I'm going to be honest and say I've doubted a LOT in this journey. It's been a struggle of the will, the mind, the heart and emotions to look at God's word and say "yes, that is true. Yes, this is the character and nature of God that I know and believe in." But the story of Abraham keeps pulling me back to that point. Realizing he had to wait years to see God come through and Roy and I hopefully are banking on months. We are definitely in a place where if God doesn't move, we are really stuck. I guess that can be good because it means God is FULLY in control and we have no power in and of ourselves. 

But, I post this in the public forum not to whine but just to ask for prayers. We also need the fellowship and faith of others to help us stand and walk through each moment of this season. And I would ask that you would also pray that my faith would be strengthened, that I would not walk away from this season missing what God is showing me and missing seeing God for who he is in the midst of my small circumstances. For those of you coming to our wedding, know that when you arrive you also will be witnessing a true miracle as so many things will have had to have happened to see that day come to pass. We're excited to share it with you. 

that bratty child named "entitlement"

Worldview lays a foundation for all we say and do and think in life. It lingers underneath our feet, behind our brains, within our prayers, seeping out when we are not even aware of the leakages into all areas, saturating every inch of our being. It becomes glaringly obvious when we encounter a worldview so drastically different from our own. When I sit across from poverty-stricken mothers, holding wailing children with snot running down their faces, no shoes on their feet and hopelessness in their eyes, I am shocked to hear words escape their mouth that reveal that they believe the life they live is their fate. They cannot escape it, this is what the universe dealt them. They must just shuffle on. My inner American cringes and I speak "hope and life" in feeble attempts to shift their thinking. I get on my knees in prayer later sharing with God my heart that their worldview keeps them in bondage from really having a true relationship with a God who loves them, who calls them his children, who knit them together in their mother's womb, who has a hope and a future for them.

Some days I would love to believe that my whole worldview is entirely Biblical. I would love to think that I have stared at the black and white and red-letter pages so long that they have transformed every inch of my being into the way God thinks and out of me oozes the love and grace and mercy of God. I have days where I wish I was Jesus himself in the way I treat others. To be honest, I thank God for my experiences that have helped me critically evaluate my own western-oriented worldview and purge away the things that are not godly within me. And yeah, there's much that God has shifted in my life...he's gone hard after materialism in my life. He's showed me what hospitality and serving really is (I joke with people that the American version of hospitality is asking "Hey, do you want something to drink, water, soda, coffee? No, okay.") But let's face it, we are all  human, we are all soaked in our own worldview, biblical or unbiblical, that silently oozes out of us daily.

And I cannot be the one to cast the first stone. My worldview will often separate me from relationship with God when not aligned with his truth and his heart. Yesterday to my shame, I came face-to-face with my own inner bratty child.

Coming back to America from living in Asia for quite awhile, I find myself being more acutely aware of my surroundings. I stand in lines and I hear the conversations around me so clearly (try living without your native language for awhile and then coming back to it....it's like sensory overload!). I listen to women complain about how slow the cashier is being, "They should get more people on these registers. These lines are ridiculous," (said to the whole two people standing in front of her). Translation: "I don't deserve to have to wait this long." I listen to a teenage girl tell her mom, "But (brother's name) got that new video game. Why can't I get this CD? It's not fair," Translation: "I deserve to have just as much stuff as someone else does." Or one day hearing "Can you believe my husband didn't consult me about the color of our new car? Now I have to drive around with this ugly tan thing." Translation: "I deserve to have things exactly the way I want them."

Entitlement: That bratty child that rises up in us and screams out to the world "I deserve this! I want this! I have to have this! You have failed if you don't give it to me!"

And I've casually listened to these conversations sometimes laughing, and sometimes, to be honest, sneering and judging, sometimes saddened, all the time thinking of people I know that if given a tan "ugly" new SUV they'd weep and hug everyone in sight. I think to myself, "I hope I don't say things like that."

Then yesterday, my inner bratty child came out to have a tantrum. My day had been one frustration after another. I sent out yet another application, resume and cover letter. I looked at my budget and saw nothing but squeezing and cutting things out. I looked at my list of things "to do" for the wedding and grew a little bit angry that I may not be able to have what others have had. It was yet another day with no job prospects, no accomplishments, feeling useless, and disconnected. In a conversation the words "I'm just so mad at God right now" came out of my lips. Translation: "God owes me more than this. Look at what all I have given for him and this is how he treats me."

Ouch. Entitlement, you are an ugly beast.

So, now that that little child has thrown itself on the floor, screaming, flailing and kicking its legs, it's time to deal some discipline and love and care. The honesty is out there. The ugliness is not hidden. So, I come back to my Abba, sit on his lap, ask for forgiveness and lean in and trust him that his ways are the highest good. He says so, he is faithful, he never leaves or forsakes us. Smooth my rough edges and continue to burn away those things that are ugly within my soul.

Home.....!?

I've had a few people say to me recently "I bet it's so exciting to be going home after being gone so long"....the assumption being that I haven't been home for nearly eleven years now.

Where is home?

We know the old adage:
"Home is where your heart is"

......where is that exactly? My heart is in hundreds of pieces, scattered across the globe.

Afghanistan is home then. It's familiar Persian tones in extended greetings that make me feel like I've been embraced by something deep. The smell of cumin and coriander can send me into a spin of memories of dinners, huddled around the floor, scooping handfuls of rice into my mouth and sharing my life with people who have forever written themselves on my soul. Home is that place and that moment when you look in someone's eyes as they ask you a question about life and death, eternity, God, and you know what you say in response is the biggest gift you could ever offer them. My heart is all over that.

Taiwan is home. The bustling crowds and the faces of friends in the crowd who have lavished their generosity to welcome me. The students who open their homes and their lives and their hearts for this "big-nosed foreigner." Those moments when I get asked, why is it you are here and knowing I have a story that is only authored by our Creator and Redeemer in response to that question. Oh, my heart is there.

My heart is in the countless friends who have journeyed life with me whether for a short time or long, whether they have dropped in on my life and left or whether I am merely the one that finds them and visits for a short time before heading off to the next place. My heart is there. Home is scattered across the globe.

My heart is with Y....the values of this organization have become ones of my own life. I have been forever imprinted with walking out a faith in God that is not merely religion, rules, principles or guidelines. But have been trained and led and embraced a living breathing relationship with my God where he shares his heart with me and I share mine with him in a response of worship. He used this group all over the world, in all its strengths and weakness to show me what it is to be a disciple of Jesus, day-to-day, anywhere in the world he takes me.

My heart is in the tender embrace of the man to whom I will soon say "I do." My heart is waiting at the most stable, secure, comfortable and loved place, with a man who pursued and opened his heart to me and is willing to walk this crazy adventure of life with me until death do us part. My heart is waiting in India to come be with me and create home wherever our God may lead our feet.

Most of all, my heart rests with my God, anticipating in hope the fullness of eternity with him. My heart does not rest on earthly treasures no matter how much I anticipate shopping in America or gathering things to make a physical location a place to call home. My heart is at peace and rests in the culture of the Kingdom of God, and yet merely enjoys the new experiences of the cultures around the world.

I have no idea anymore where home is. I had no idea that as a kid, the place I thought was home would become something foreign, strange, even difficult sometimes to squeeze myself back into. My home doesn't have walls, that's for sure. It doesn't have a limit to how many people can fit inside. It doesn't have any storage for valuables or possessions.

But I have become a sojourner, and a sojourner I can see myself as until I am at home in eternity.

And honestly, I've needed this perspective and understanding as I head back to the place that once embodied the word "home" for me. But I have mixed emotions about it all. I'm excited. I'm nervous. I know I don't "fit" but I also know it's a part of who I am.

I was realizing yesterday that when I left "home" to begin this journey of nearly eleven years making my home all over the world, lots has changed. When I left home gas was $2.05 a gallon (I have no idea why I remember that) and people were freaking out. When I left, Facebook and Twitter didn't even exist yet. When I left, Saddam Hussein and Osama Bin Laden were still alive. When I left, the ipod had only been released for one year and I purchased one thinking it was bit of an extravagant purchase heading into missions but it would help my packing process as I wouldn't have to take my whole CD collection. When I left you could still take two pieces of luggage weighing 70lbs apiece overseas, for free! When I left the economy all over the world was doing well. When I left I had a collection of small experiences and big dreams. When I left I was full of my self, my culture and my own understandings of the world. I hope I'm returning a little more "empty-handed"...a little less of me, a little less of my ethnocentrism, a little less of my understandings and expectations.

I step into the unknown this weekend, getting on a plane and traveling lots of miles, but really making the biggest journey from 11 years in a particular way of life and beginning a new life. Hopefully full of adventure and learning experiences and new friendships. And of course full of love and all that comes with the journey of knitting your life together in marriage with another person. And I know there are more adventures with God to come. I know though this chapter is closing in some way, there is a new one to begin and many, many more that will be written.

Immobilized by change

I don't quite know all the reasons why, but I'm feeling a lot like this little turtle lately. My life is in the process of turning upside down. In three weeks I leave Taiwan. I move from Asia, which I have called home for nearly the past eight years, and I move back to the United States. I leave the community and friendships and daily life that I've grown accustomed to. I leave my church. I leave my favorite tea shops. I leave the interaction and the buzz of constant life around me in this bustling city.

I return to a place where I have no home to call my own. I have no car. I have no job. I have a few boxes of possessions. I have my family to welcome me back. And I have friends I haven't seen in years who are now scattered all across the country doing their thing, living their lives. It's a place I am not quite sure how I will fit back in to. And I've changed. My way of living is different from most Americans. I feel a lot like a foreigner when I come to a place I'm supposed to call "home."

And the biggest change of all....I am planning a wedding and preparing for marriage. My fiance and I are knitting our hearts and our lives together across the miles and planning to weave them together in the years to come.

I normally am a woman who embraces change with arms wide open. I initiate change. I change things that are good because I get bored with them. I rearrange my room just for fun. I cut my hair. I take a different route. I mix up my routine to keep from getting in a rut.

But for some reason, I've been in this season of wanting to preserve everything exactly as it is. I don't want to start packing or giving stuff away because it means change is that much closer. I find myself retreating from people because I can't bear to say goodbye or talk about the fact that I will not be seeing them every day in three short weeks. I have stopped journaling and I just want to sit and soak in each moment, savoring it.....and yet holding it with a vice grip so that it will not slip away.

change. Sigh. It's coming. And it's coming like a freight train. This is a bittersweet change. I'm so excited for what's ahead. And yet it's sad to leave things that are so good behind.

It makes me realize what a beautiful truth it is when it says Jesus Christ is the same yesterday, today and forever (Hebrews 13:8). There is something in my life that is so consistent, so trustworthy, constant, true and stable. Something I can stand on no matter where I'm at and what I'm going through. I anchor myself in Christ today. And when I'm standing firmly in that relationship, well, I guess I move forward with him into the unknown and face the adventure that lies ahead. 

New Years Around the World

Historically, I've had some great New Years.
God has blessed me to experience some incredible things in places all over the world.

In Afghanistan, I got to celebrate Persian New Year (Nao Roz). It happens on March 21 every year.

On the New Year in the courtyard of this mosque/shrine they raise a flagpole. It is said that the way the pole goes up will be indicative of the year to come...if they raise it with difficulty, the year will be difficult. If it goes up easily then the year will be a prosperous, good year. People gather by the thousands here because they also believe that God will grant healing to those that come on this day and visit the pole. In Perisan New Year, there is hope and an expectancy towards God. 

I have celebrated Chinese New Year in Taiwan the last three years. It happens according to the lunar calendar but usually falls the end of January/early February (one year it was even on my birthday!)

Last year my friend April (far Right in the photo above) invited me over to her family's home for Chinese New Year. Before we came over their family had offered the food to their ancestors and had done worship to receive blessings in the new year. We had dinner with them and enjoyed the fellowship with the family. The soup on the hot plate in the photo, translated into English has a meaning of "buddha jumps out of the wall" meaning Buddha would come from his position to eat this soup it is so good....and it was tasty. Another tradition is the giving of red envelopes with money in them. 

This year I got to experience Korean New Year visiting my friend and her family in Seoul, South Korea. They celebrate the new year on January 1 (though Korea also celebrates the Chinese New Year as well). 

For Koreans they consider you a year old when you are born, counting conception to birth as your first year of life. Then when the New Year comes, everyone turns a year older together. So, if you ever ask a Korean their age, you will see them hesitate figuring if they should give you their Korean age, or the age according to the system most of the rest of the world counts. But on New Years day there is a soup that you eat that after you eat it you are considered a year older then. This year I got to eat of that soup (so I officially reached my Korean age of 34!....I might stick with 32 for another month!) and I learned a traditional Korean game (pictured above) with my friend and her family. 

Another tradition I got to experience is when the generations of the family gather together, the younger generation kneels/bows to the older one in respect and then the older generation speaks blessings over the younger generation, and gives them an envelope of money. I thought it was a very meaningful tradition. 

Looking forward to 2013!

So as the year begins, I can't help but have excitement in my heart. I love new things, new experiences, new phases of life. This year is definitely a transitional one for me as I say goodbye to the wonderful nation of Taiwan and the incredible YWAM community I've gotten to be a part of here (in May...not quite yet). I'll be heading back to the USA for a season with my sights set on transitioning to India to work with Afghan refugees in the near future. 

And there are some great things ahead this year. There is more to share, but that will come at a later date. :) 

But one thing I can say is that I have lived a blessed life and can't believe all the places God has taken me and all the incredible people he has allowed to become part of my life. This girl from a small town in Minnesota truly has the world in her heart. I never would have imagined it was possible. I can't complain one bit about my life. God has been so good and he will continue to be good. 

I pray your transition into 2013 is also filled with gratefulness....even if it is filled with difficulty, pain, uncertainty. Remember, God is in it all and he grants us our seasons to draw us to him and to show us his glory in ways we may not have otherwise understood. 

Happy 2013!!!

Don Gillman

Last weekend, Don Gillman, the man pictured above went to be with Jesus. He was traveling and teaching internationally and stopped over in San Francisco to visit his mother. He went out for a run as he does so often and on that run suffered a heart attack and ran straight into the arms of Jesus.

I found this gem of a photo as I've been processing and grieving the sudden death of a man that has literally impacted the lives of thousands of people all over the world. He truly was someone that I have leaned on for wisdom and insight. When I came to Taiwan three years ago, so many had told me "it's so great you get to be under Don's leadership" and three years later, I can testify to that it truly has been great.

Don was a leader that didn't lead by position and power but from passion and a heart that loved, loved, loved Jesus and recognized that everything in his life was solely by the power of Christ to transform a life. He was a gifted teacher that could bring the scriptures to life and cause you to take seriously the challenge live out what they teach. I have been so blessed to sit under his teaching in my own SBS (School of Biblical Studies) as well as in base meetings, other teachings, question and answer sessions, staff development times, and just impromptu casual conversations. Don was a gifted storyteller and could take anything that happened to him or anyone else and transform it into something that was a powerful lesson to learn, a funny anecdote that had us all rolling in laughter. So many of his stories will forever live on in my memory.

One particular gift I walked away with from my time with Don was one particular meeting I had with him about a year after I had moved to Taiwan from Central Asia. I had arrived in Taiwan as a weary worker, full of questions and just needing to rest. After some physical and spiritual rest I sought out Don to dialogue with him, one frontier worker to the other. I remember in that meeting I voiced some ugly things in my heart, asked some tough questions about missions I hadn't realized I even needed to verbalize, and Don sat listening and offering wisdom and spoke to me not as one speaks to a child but as an equal. He gave value to me as an individual, heard my questions and offered answers that I will treasure as I continue to serve the Lord on the frontiers. As others have stated about him, Don was a man that could impact your life with one conversation. I'm thankful for not only this one conversation but many as I have been blessed to work with him in Taiwan.

I've been so privileged to "run the race" alongside a man of God like Don. He has set the pace for so many others. His exit from this earth has been so shocking for all of us, but one thought I've been having since Don left is that he is a man who had a reason for living his life 100% committed to the Lord. As I spent this last week doing some of what Don has done for so many years: teaching, challenging young people to keep running the race for Jesus in the cause of world missions, it has inspired me to keep committed in my own race. Like a friend who comes along during a long-distance race and cheers you on and keeps pace with you, I feel Don's example in the way he lived his life is cheering me on to keep putting one foot in front of the other towards the finish line.

Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God. 

Hebrews 12:1-2

The soul of the sluggard craves and gets nothing, 

while the soul of the diligent is richly supplied. 

Proverbs 13:4

I'm a child of the midwest, USA. Good work ethic is something that was taught, modeled, and woven into the fabric of my value system. I've always known that something worth having is something worth working hard for.... and this goes into all areas of life: relationships, money, accomplishments, etc. 

But (and now I'm gonna pick on my generation a bit) in working with young people and interacting with all types of people from all over the globe, we are becoming more and more affected by our "instant" society. I feel that we have made a shift to losing patience if we can't get what we want or accomplish something right away. 

When I moved to my last location overseas, my thinking was "I have to get this done RIGHT AWAY because time is running short. And God is in it so he will bless it and make things happen." I was frustrated and disillusioned and questioned the strength of my faith when things didn't happen as fast as I wanted them to. I find that my thinking is different at this stage in the game (granted, I'm not THAT much more mature, maybe just a bit more experienced and sobered by reality) but I'm much more willing to wait and realizing, I need to put in a bit of work. 

"Language learning is so hard! I just keep asking God to give me the gift of tongues so I can speak fluently." This was a conversation I've heard more than once from more than one person. Putting in the work seems like a waste of time to get where we want. 

"Things in ministry are going so slow. The people I'm discipling just don't seem to get it." 

"I really want to know the Bible more but I don't have time to study it like you've gotten to." It's as though our generation has equated things not happening right away to failure (in themselves, others or God) or to it not being worth it because they are not getting results instantly. 

One thing the Bible shows me and one thing working in discipleship has opened my eyes more to is that the journey is often more important than the destination. Time and time again, God circles the same issues with the same people, patiently waiting while they make the same mistakes again and again. He's in no rush. Discipleship takes time; it's messy and it's a lot of work to walk with people through their stuff. Language learning takes time, effort, bad days and good days, but along the way you make discoveries and you value the language in ways you never would if you could suddenly just know all the right words to say. The relationships that require the long talks, the effort and the work are usually the ones we value the most and would be the most painful to lose. 

Those people in life who have had to fight and work for where they are often seem to value it so much more than those who have just been handed it (not always, but generally). I think hard work and not getting things instantaneously is actually a gift from God. We are so quick to not appreciate and I believe it's a beautiful thing to value the things in life that are good....relationships, accomplishing things like finishing school or learning a language or becoming skilled for a job, knowing the word of God more deeply because you've invested time in it, building up a ministry or seeing a friend you've been praying for come to a deeper place with God. 

Just because it's easy, doesn't mean it's better. In some ways I think it's the other way around. So my encouragement to those of you who may be in the middle of a painfully slow and hard journey that is taking a lot of effort, hang in there. Thank God for the work because it's opening your heart to appreciation. You are getting the gift of truly valuing the things in your life. And don't give up because you're probably in the middle of something that is more of a blessing than the burden of the effort it's taking you to move forward. Your soul is being richly supplied. 

the screaming demon dog

This is not the dog in question, but is just one of the many dogs here in Taiwan
that are treasured and pampered by the Taiwanese

Taiwanese LOVE their dogs. I thought America was a dog-owners paradise, but Taiwan has got it beat hands-down. Dogs here often don't get walked, they get carried....in arms, in bags, and sometimes in strollers. If you see someone pushing a stroller down the street, it's not guaranteed there is a child inside. I've seen dogs, cats, even rabbits.

Dogs here in Taiwan wear clothes, bows and get their fur shaved all kinds of funky ways when the hot weather hits. My favorite is when they shave the golden retrievers leaving only the fur around the head and the tip of the tail so they look like mini lions.

Dogs are allowed in restaurants and in the train if they are in carriers. One coffee shop nearby the owner's dog regularly sits on one of the tables (I never drink my coffee at that table!). I've even seen dog owners wipe their dogs with toilet paper after they have a nice poo. It is a dog's paradise here. And people love to own the cute little tiny dogs. Other popular ones are golden retrievers and huskies (poor guys! living on a tropical island!)

Because there are so many people in such a tiny space, our neighborhood is packed full of dogs in peoples' apartments. You often hear them barking at night and it's gotten to be just background noise to me now, almost so that I hardly notice it. It blends in with the sounds of traffic, motos, the constant buzz of the Chinese language, the melody of the garbage trucks and the sound of the man driving around selling stinky tofu.

BUT, one of our neighbors got a new dog a few days ago that doesn't just bark, it scream-barks. And I'm pretty sure the owners are never home, so the dog is free to scream-bark all day and alllllll.night.long. Oh my goodness.

I'm not an angry person. I have lived in so many cultures and so many different places that I can deal with a lot of things as they come. But this dog is a constant "anger button" pusher. Last night I closed my window, turned on the fan, put ear plugs in and still the scream-barking echoed through my brain. My roommates and I all emerged this morning from our rooms, bleary-eyed and immediately started venting about our corporately horrible nights' sleep due to the demon-dog down the street.

And here's the fun part about cross-cultural living. In America, I march myself over and tell my neighbors quite directly that if they can't control the noise of their demon-dog, I'm going to have to call the cops. I tell them their dog's barking means I can't sleep or study and it's infringing on my personal right to quiet and my own life. Then I file a complaint. etc. I know how to deal with it. But here we debate....should we talk to our neighbors? (Confronting directly in such an indirect culture can really damage relationships). Do we talk to the landlord and make it his problem so he can mediate for us? Can we even voice our frustration or are we supposed to just suck it up as the rest of the community has to? In Afghanistan our neighbors dealt with our dog by throwing pieces of bread soaked with poison over our wall, killing our dog, rather than talking with us.

So, I'm pretty sure the saga will continue. And I have to admit, as much as I wasn't a huge fan of little dogs in the past (I grew up with retrievers and German shepherds as pets) I'm REALLY not a fan of little yappy dogs any more.

to better understand....

We live in such a multi-cultural, multi-religious society. As an American, I was taught from a young age that your religion, race, culture, politics, opinions are your own and it's rude to intrude on peoples' personal lives. However, in my travels and interactions with people from all over the world, I get into discussions about these things more than most small talk, which I admit, I quite enjoy.

One thing I've been wanting to do for awhile is read the Qur'an through, beginning to end. I've dragged my feet on it for awhile though because I wanted to have a more firm foundation in my own Holy Book (um....that would be the Bible for those that may just be stumbling on this blog) before delving too deeply into another.

So a friend and I are reading this together and meeting to discuss what we are discovering. I won't be posting much on here because the intent is not to engage in argument with others who believe differently, but my goal is to see why people believe the things they believe. And in a world that seems to be so divided between Muslim and Christian, I want to be a voice of helping bridge that gap and helping us find some common ground, respect for one another and at the same time not compromise what it is I stand for.

So, if you see me around reading this book, I'm not considering other options or doubting my faith in Jesus, but if God truly tells us to "make disciples of all nations" I want to have a better understanding of those nations. 

Some thoughts on "team"

About a week ago I had a whole week of meetings with the group of people pictured above. One of the girls took this picture and posted it on facebook.....and it led me to thinking a bit nostalgically and reflectively at all the teams I've been able to be a part of over the years.

One of my organizations core values is functioning within teams. When you read that in a value statement it sounds ideal, perfect, "of course, we need each other, we are the body of Christ." Then you join a team, you lead a team, or you get "put" on a team and that's when reality sits in. You realize the people around you are different from you, that they may disagree with what you think are your own incredible ideas. Sometimes they fight with you, they tell you the things you are doing wrong. They confront you and call you out on your crap. Teams take work, effort.

But then teams are also there to be a sounding board. They have people on them who think differently than you and can help solve problems in ways you never would have dreamed of, they have multiplied man-power to accomplish things, they have giftings in areas you are weak. They lift you up when you feel you can't go on. They pray with you and for you. They let you cry, laugh, be opinionated, be shy, etc, etc, etc. Hopefully teams can become a family that supports each other and loves one another.

The above picture is my current team, a high quality group of individuals....we are all teachers (at least in this season of our lives) and all learning from one another. Each one of these people is doing amazing things and is amazing in and of themselves, my hope is that together as a team we can be even more effective.

So, in my reflections I was thinking about teams and especially some of my leaders in the past who have had great impact on me:

Covenant Park Bible Camp: Every summer I worked with a team of staff. I learned through these times how you can have so much fun it's ridiculous, and love Jesus so crazily that it changes peoples' lives. The camp director taught me a lot about leadership that is not afraid to confront...he called me out a few times in a way that really built me up, not tore me down. I learned the damaging effects of cliques but also how friendships that are knit that tightly can last a really long time (as many of them are still a part of my life today. One of the most important lessons I learned as a young leaders is that you can never over-communicate and that has been a value that's stuck with me since then.

Residence Life at Northwestern College: I worked as a Resident Assistant with a group of amazing women my first year and a co-ed group my second year. I learned sisterhood during this time, which was a big deal growing up with only brothers. I learned how to be really honest with a group of people. I learned about integrity and I learned a LOT from my first RA about "not blowing sunshine" and speaking openly about things that need to be brought into the light. I also learned that even though you may be really different from the people on your team, you can depend on them and build good trusting relationships with them. I learned how to be a better discipler from the women that I worked with.

Staffing in my current organization: I worked on a variety of short-term teams and staffing with different groups of people my first few years. It was then I began to recognize the leadership giftings that God had put in me and also the red flag of pride that could so often swell up in my heart. I was challenged on what it means to serve and lead at the same time. I worked with people that helped me dream bigger than my limited capabilities, who had faith that if God spoke, it was on him to make it happen and not just my energy that would bring things to pass. I learned how to lead when everything changes and you have to make decisions on the spot.

C.Asia: My team in C. Asia was the most "family-like" group I've ever been a part of, partly out of necessity, partly out of the environment we found ourselves in, but a lot because we chose to be there for each other in that way, and our hearts were truly for one another. These are people I still consider family today even though we are literally scattered around the globe (though all still pursuing the same heart and passion which we started out together as a team with). I learned on this team that relationship can be more important than task, that differences in leadership styles are good but require a lot of communication and give-and-take. I learned SO much about commitment and the results of the lack of it through these years. I grew in investing in a foundational value of prayer and seeking God in everything that I want to be a prominent value of any team I lead or am a part of in the future.

Taiwan: This season has looked so much different from my last one in C.Asia. But, I've grown a lot in this time...I've learned how to be on a team and not necessarily be the one in charge. I've also learned that even without a role or a position, you can be a person of influence. I've learned how to communicate with people VERY different from me in the way they think. I've learned more when to be quiet and when to step forward and speak my mind. I've learned how to be intentional because team doesn't just "happen" it's something we cultivate.

Teams are a blessing, and teams are also a lot of work. For all who have been a part of a team with me over the years, I'm so thankful for each person I've gotten to work with. I hope God will allow me to have such incredible people by my side working together and living life together in the years to come.

Decision making and the will of God

I used this photo elsewhere on my blog but I love it so much it deserved a second chance to shine

Decisions.
Oh my goodness. Life is full of them. And we keep giving ourselves more and more decisions to make. Have you ever been with a group of people trying to decide where to go for dinner together....
"So, where do you guys wanna eat? We could try the new Japanese place, or the pasta restaurant, or if you want mediterranean....." The person pauses to see a response among the others. Then adds, "or we could go get groceries and cook at my house......or ......" Life is full of choices and options.

How do you pick? Some people pick what "they feel like" others agonize over what everyone else would want.

In our generation and especially in the organization I work with, people are all about the short-term commitments and so live in a constant state of decision making and trying to discern "the will of God" for them on a consistent basis. Spend any amount of time with young people, ask them what they need prayer for and probably 75% of the time it's "well, I need clarity for what to do next year." "I'm praying about where I go on outreach." "I need to decide where I'll be after this commitment finishes."

I've had a lot of big decisions to make. I have AGONIZED over them the last few weeks and months. I've been reflecting on some of my major life transitions and realized every time that decision making process is so painful. Not because I hate having options (I love it!), not because I feel like God never speaks or gives direction (He does!) but I realize I wish life was more like a Choose Your Own Adventure book. I wish I could at least "peek" and see how the other choices turn out. My curiosity makes me want to live in 10 directions at once. But after my decision is made, I have to grieve the fact that I will never know "what could have been."

Discerning God's voice and following his will is quite the process as well. My organization has a foundational value in hearing and obeying God's voice. It's something I have done time and time again and you would think you'd get "better" at it....I know I have grown in sensitivity to God's voice. I know I trust him more now than I did in my 20's. But I find I come up against situations more and more now where God gives me options. Just this week I faced two major options and felt God was allowing me to choose.

I would almost feel more comfortable if he said "Do this Danika" and left it at that. Then I wouldn't have to think. I wouldn't have to weigh the implications. I wouldn't have to blame myself if things didn't go well (I could blame God! ha!). And, I probably wouldn't have to pray as long or try to listen as patiently. Seems God enjoys me going through the process with him.

So, the decision is made. And I woke up this morning with a panic thinking "oh my goodness. Did I just make the wrong choice????!!!" After a good cup of coffee though and some time in prayer, peace settled once again. And I move forward, because in life we can't go back. But I do so wish I could flip a few pages over just to SEE how things might have been.

"God is in control"....and other things Christians always feel the need to say

It's been a bit of a tough week for me. Not because tragic circumstances happened but mostly because the plans that I have been forming, praying over and hoping in where suddenly sidelined and my expectations of a few things had to be laid down.

I was frustrated. I was a bit panicked....mostly because one decision I make is usually connected and affected by about 20 others. My life revolves around visas and deadlines. Truth be told at this moment, I don't know which country my feet will be standing in come February of next year. That is an unsettling feeling, Right? I don't know how many people who read this blog live a lifestyle like that, but just by reading it in black and white, it makes me a bit dizzy, and even though being transient has become "normal" for me.

So, here I am. I am one who is supposed to teach and disciple people in the ways of God. I am to be a speaker and example of application of truth. And sometimes, life happens. Things change. Hard stuff comes. And in the quiet place between me and God in my heart I say to him "God, I don't like this. I am scared. I don't know what to do. I feel alone. I feel a little lost. Hold me."

......but process these thoughts out loud, and you know how it goes. I find myself as I say these things, trying to add a nice statement at the end to reassure people I haven't lost my faith, I believe the bible is true, and that I trust God is who he says he is. It's almost like it's not a thought worth speaking out unless it leads to that conclusion.....

i.e. I've had a really hard day, but God is faithful. I know he'll get me through this.
i.e. I don't know how things will work out but God is sovereign. I can trust him.
i.e. This is so painful, but.........

Now before the entire Christian population rises up and tells me "but it's true and we need to hear truth in these times" let me say.....YES, I don't believe these things are not true. I trust a sovereign God. This is why when life gets jumbled, I spend three hours in my room, in prayer, crying out to HIM and not sobbing on anyone's shoulders I can find.

But what is it in us, that feels uncomfortable or can't allow raw and honest emotions to be expressed, even if they aren't "pretty"? What if we just need to say "this sucks" or EVEN "this is sh**ty"? The more I read the Bible, the more rawness I see. Though many of the lament Psalms end with a praise to a sovereign God, they usually don't end with "but my emotions are all okay now." David still wants vengeance on those who hurt him. Job still wishes he had never been born, same with Jeremiah. Jeremiah tells God that there is not enough liquid in him for him to be able to weep the way he wants. Paul still walks around with a thorn in his flesh even though he has a promise of grace. Our savior still cries out that he is forsaken on the cross as he died in agony; he asked for the cup to be taken from him even knowing the will of the father and being committed to give his own life.

So, how do we respond to others when we are having a hard time or when they are walking through a difficult season? Do we throw "right theology" on them until they feel better? Do we hide behind the protection of God's sovereignty and pretend that we're not freaked out at the unknown a little bit? I think we Christians need to express honesty to one another and not feel the need to "tweak" ourselves. I'm not saying we just speak out unedited thoughts all the time, but I hope we have friends that we can be raw and truthful and will sit beside us, in all our mess, give us a hug, and offer it up to the throne of God without judgment or fear. God is big enough. He knows our doubts even as Christian cliches bounce off our tongues. He knows whether we speak those things in faith or insecurity. God is the one who changes our hearts. And our emotions are legitimately valid. They are important to God. Jeremiah tells the people to "pour out their hearts like water before the presence of the Lord." He wept for 40+ years before the Lord and we can feel free to do the same.

Let sleeping packs of dogs lie

6am....the sky was slowly emerging from pink to blue. I tied my running shoes and decided to venture out around the beautiful quiet streets of Chiang Rai, surrounded by rice fields, overshadowed by bamboo trees. So peaceful........except for the dogs.

I had asked about running around the area where the base is at. No one seems to have as much of an enthusiasm for pounding out miles on foot as I do, so most people had no idea what it was like to run here. I was informed that the dogs will sound and look scary but are mostly harmless. Great. (did I mention I was bit by a dog as a teenager and still get a little nervous around them?).

I decided to "test the waters." I grabbed my iPod and a STICK. This is the first time I've ever run with a weapon in my hand and hoped I didn't trip and gouge out my own side or something. I ran through the little streets, past a little morning market getting geared up with curious Thai faces peeking at me as I jogged by, I ran past little houses (many with gates, take that doggies!) and then I rounded a corner.......

oh, dear God. I literally prayed. A huge pack of dogs just sleeping in the road. I walked. I breathed. I tightened my hand around my stick. Sure enough.....the eyes opened, the barking began. A massive GANG of dogs arose from their sleep, and came after me, towards my ankles. I breathed. I tensed. I breathed. "hey doggies.....I'm sure my tiny little stick doesn't scare you at all does it???"

Thankfully, the people at the base are right. The dogs barked, but did little more than come to me out of curiosity. I continued on my way, past the temple (where they keep dogs as well, I found out) and rounded a corner and came across the most breathtakingly beautiful scene. One of those moments you can't capture on camera (but I sure did wish I at least had one. no luck this time). In front of me lay vast rice fields, spotted with a straw-hatted worker here or there, a few Thai-style houses, and green lush mountains blanketed in misty fog over the tops of it in the background. There was chanting wafting through the air...not sure if it was from one of the many little golden temples I could see or from a radio. But it was eerily beautiful. So. Beautiful.

On the way back I ran by two monks in their saffron robes, receiving alms from a couple in front of their house. They had already had a table set out with rice and some other things. They handed them to the monks into their outstretched bowls. They then sat down in front of the monks as they chanted and blessed them.

The dogs still freaked me out, but I know I can brave a few more early morning runs the rest of this week--the scenery, the peaceful countryside and intriguing cultural moments are definitely worth it. I might take my camera (and a bigger stick) next time I go. But I'll leave a few photos just to at least give you a little glimpse into the beauty here.

Rice fields

The view from the base

Life's Intersections

Living an international life and being a "traveling teacher" isn't always as glamorous and non-stop fun as it sounds, or looks. In the traveling and teaching I'm doing this year, I've realized it can have some very lonely moments for this single young woman. It's hard to get up motivation to go check out a cool restaurant or landmark by yourself, take photos and then post them on facebook or a blog just to be able to share them with someone besides....yourself.

But, this post is actually not about loneliness, it's really about the fact that people join us on our path that we are walking. What a blessing it is to have a companion by your side, if even for a short walk. My time in Central Asia was just that, coming alongside some people who at some points in life have climbed mountains with me. As we walked the short path this spring together, we recounted harrowing tales of heights and depths and praised God for all he had done.

Coming to Thailand, to teach, to have a lot of alone time to read and catch up on emails and blogs while the students study and the staff work in between teaching times, I also had the chance to spend a few days with friends. The beauty of working in the organization I'm in is getting to meet so many incredible people from all over the world. The difficulty is 9 times out of 10 and often even 10 times out of 10, you say goodbye to everyone you have the privilege to meet. We've referred to it as the "revolving door"....but I think revolving doors are fun and these goodbyes are not so fun.

I got to catch up with two people who were in the SBS last year, people of high caliber, devoted to Jesus and world mission, and both pursuing the passion of their hearts in a way that challenges me, encourages me and makes me want to get up in the morning and keep doing what I'm doing. I got to meet my friends' fiancé....a woman that he has loved so much that he's embraced her culture and language as his own. That's beautiful. I also got to see another friend who our lives crossed paths briefly in the mountains of Colorado oh, so long ago. And both of us have gone through ups and downs, life and even death sometimes keeping in touch and sometimes keeping silent, but our paths crossed once again and I got to meet his special love of his life as well. To rejoice together with them with all God is doing in their lives is also a special gift of this trip.

As a single woman in my 30's, traveling a lot, doing the "hello-goodbye" thing with so many people, I often fixate on the times my path is a solo one. Those long stretches of quiet can scream at you sometimes, accuse you of deeply painful things: worthlessness, inadequacy, etc. But I don't want to be a woman who becomes embittered at the loneliness, but rather one who drinks in the multi-faceted companionship that God enables me to have in the life that he has laid out for me. This trip has made me realize how truly blessed I am to have friends literally all over the world. To have the problem of not having enough time to hang out with the people as long as I want. I have more friends I am catching up with in the city I'm teaching in as well. How truly, truly good God has been to me, and continues to be.

To those of you out there who read this blog and our paths have intersected many, many miles ago....who knows, God will hopefully allow us to journey together again. For those of you who trod down life's daily path with me in today's season of life, your friendship is a constant blessing and one that may bring pain to leave one day but makes my life richer and your presence in my life is worth the fact that it's painful to say goodbye. Friendships are worth the risk of investing your heart into, I'm convinced of that.